I'm still sick

The antibiotics weren't helping. Actually, I was getting worse. So I went back to the doctor yesterday morning and sure enough it's a sinus infection AND a virus. I have a lesion on my left tonsil causing my sore throat, and mucus in my chest. Gross. So I'm supposed to rest and stay in warm places and take really hot showers. He also said to not go to work on Monday and to rest. However, depending on how I am feeling, I'm probably going to go. The good news is that I am feeling a little better today. My massive headache finally went away and my nose isn't plugged up constantly. Now if I could just get rid of this darn cough.

I should be at church right now. I have gone the past three weeks and really enjoyed it. But if truth be told, I really don't want to hear about young life camp. It really pisses me off that they went there. It kind of feels to me like it was really easy for Mike to just sign them up for another camp and he wouldn't have to do hardly any work or planning. But, perhaps I am misunderstanding. Either way, I don't want to hear about it. I went. A long time ago. So I know what they are going to say. And besides I get really hungry if I don't eat until I get home from second service.

I leave for vacation on Wedneseday morning. So I work two more days (assuming I go tomorrow) and then I'm free for two whole weeks! And I think we're going to a diamondbacks game on Tuesday night. Which means I have some packing to do tonight and tomorrow! I am so excited. It will be nice to be able to read a book out on the porch where it's beautiful up in the rocky mountains and just spend time with my family and friends. And as a bonus, Daniel is coming up a few days after we get there. So he'll be there with me for 5 days! And since it's a vacation with my parents, it's like we get to go on vacation together for free! I miss him. We haven't talked for more than like 5 minutes a day since he left. I can't wait to go on hikes and cook dinner and go mini-golfing with Daniel (and my parents). It will be lovely.

I'm hungry.

The weekend is here

I got off early from work today. As soon as I woke up, I knew that I shouldn't go to work because I wasn't feeling well. But I had work to do, so I went anyways. I felt terrible all day, but at least I got my work done. And I finished at like 2:30 so I came home early and went to bed until dinner. The pressure that was in my nose and head has now migrated to my chest. When I breathe I can feel it. It feels like there's extra weight there that's keeping me from breathing. And if I breathe too deeply it makes me cough badly. It's quite annoying. And exhausting. I'm feeling a little better now. I am looking forward to a good night's sleep. I will use this weekend to get my energy back in time for vacation on Wednesday! I am really looking forward to it. I really miss Daniel so I can't wait to see him. I have the hiccoughs and now it's starting to hurt. I will sleep well tonight. I can't wait. Good night.

I'm sick

So that's what it takes for me to have time to post a blog. I stayed home from work today because I think my head just might explode. Yesterday I had a sinus headache all day. I fell asleep at like 8:00 and this morning I woke up and my throat was swollen shut. Gross. I really hate staying home from work. I feel like I'm ditching and it makes me feel guilty and unproductive. Not to mention daytime TV sucks. I have a doctor's appointment at 5:45 to find out if I'm contagious and what it will take to get me to feel better.

I have been so crazily busy since I got home from Denver. I have had maybe like 2 days to just stay home and relax. But, strangely enough, I kind of like it. Being home today makes me really appreciate having something to do during the day. I'm so glad I don't sit at home like this every day.

This weekend was really fun. On Saturday I had Erin's wedding. I wasn't really looking forward to it. In fact, I was a little bitter because it was taking up my whole day. But I really had a good time at the reception, and I always have a good time hanging out with bells people (especially Sarah and Dee, and yes, my sister). Erin's wedding was beautiful, although I would have picked different bridesmaid dresses and probably a different church. However, I am almost willing to buy Erin's wedding dress to wear to my wedding. It was absolutely gorgeous. It made me rethink entirely what I was envisioning for myself. The reception was beautiful and delicious and dancing was a blast thanks to all the other single gals. Weddings do make me a little depressed, however. I really want to get married and everytime I see someone else get married I get jealous and really anxious to start planning my own. Only a few more years. I know they will go fast, too. And I want to wait until my wedding can be really beautiful and I'm not worried about every little cent I spend. Or my parents spend rather.

On Sunday, I went to church and heard Chris speak. I always like to hear what he has to say. Although I didn't really get a solid message out of it, I did understand that he was talking about community and specifically our church community. And I can definitely relate to that because I love our church community. It's great to go and know that so many people are interested in me and care about me. I also really liked breaking up into small groups. I enjoyed the other people I was with (Teresa Valdivia, Gena Martinello, Gena's sister (?), Emily Delster, and a guy named Ian). We decided to go around and say a goal that we have for our future. And then we shared prayer requests. It was nice. Then Daniel came over for the whole rest of the day which always puts me in a good mood. Aaron and Theresa Francis brought their boys over so they could run some errands and have dinner with friends. It was great to see the boys again. Kian knows my name so well, and Rylan is like a little ball of blubber! I just want to squeeze him. And I love it when he reaches out his arms to be picked up by me. And it was so cute for like an hour he just hung out on Daniel's lap. I think he likes Daniel's lap better because he can fit on it and just spread out. He almost fell asleep, but not quite. And the Cylwiks came over to chat about Estes Park this year. We meet them there almost every year. This year, I'm going with my parents from July 2-July 11. And Daniel meets us up there on the 7th.

On Monday we had volleyball and overall I had a great time. There were a few little things that kinda left me with bad memories, but I still enjoyed it a lot. I played pretty well, and our team won! That's always good.

So I think I'm all caught up now. I shall now go back to sleep. Goodnight. Or rather, Good afternoon I guess.

What a week

Today was so freaking busy at work! The past three days have been so boring and I've had like nothing to do, but today I was on my feet all day. At one point I was in the middle of like 5 things at once and I hate leaving things half done, but I didn't have a choice because I couldn't do them all at once! But I got it all done and now I'm home and it's the weekend!

Except my entire Saturday is filled up with one wedding. It will be fun and beautiful and I'm really happy for Erin, but darn it I don't want it to take up my whole Saturday. At least I have most of Sunday. I miss Daniel. Hopefully I will get to spend lots of time with him this weekend.

Darn! I have to go to VBS.

My bipolarness

I have this strange pattern of emotions going on. Each night, I dread the next morning. I think about that I have to wake up freaking early and drive a half hour and sit in my Mom's office for 45 minutes before I even get to work. And I'm really nervous at work because I am always trying to do everything right but it's really easy to mess things up and I constantly feel inadequate because I'm just a dumb intern. But then I get to work and I get started on a project and I am so happy. I get to do real research and the other people I work with are so nice. I love this job and I am getting awesome experience that's going to help me so much in the future. And when I leave work I am just so happy about my day. Everyday I have something new and exciting that I learned. So why is it that a few hours later when I'm getting ready for bed, I'm wishing that I could just have a lazy day around the house? I'm just bipolar and crazy. That's all.

So today, the exciting new thing I got to experience was an autopsy. I had to wear this full gown and gloves and mask and hairnet and booties over my shoes. There are a lot of germs in a dead body, so we have to protect ourselves. We had a 78 year old man come in. He died at 5am and at 9:30 we were watching his head be cut open. It was really cool. At first, I was a little freaked out because it looked like he was just naked sleeping on a metal table. But as the autopsy went on, I kind of forgot that this used to be a live person and focused on the organs and stuff. The main guy that performed the autopsy removed each organ and opened it up and showed it to us. He answered any questions we had and let us get really close. I was within a foot of the body the entire time. First they removed the brain, and then they opened the chest cavity. They did the abdomen (intestines, bladder, prostate, etc.) and then opened the ribcage and did the heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, etc. etc. I was so fascinated at how everything worked together perfectly. Each organ knows its exact function and how to do that job really really well. It's so amazing! The whole procedure took about 3 hours. It was long and my feet hurt from standing, but I know this was like a once in a lifetime opportunity. I thought it was going to smell really bad, but I didn't really smell anything. I got to touch the inside of his aorta which was hard because he died of cardiovascular disease (and Alzheimer's). His heart and liver were both huge. And inside his gall bladder was large gall stone. Other than that, he seemed pretty healthy. Although, after watching that, I really don't want to donate my body to science. I definitely do not want a bunch of interns staring at my organs and learning human anatomy. And holy cow, fat inside the body is disgusting! I want to be really skinny when I die. And also, I want my rectum to be empty. The body I saw today had a full bladder and rectum, but an empty stomach. And his toenails needed clipped.

Okay, that's enough talking about dead people. Tomorrow I get to go to the Diamondbacks Game and sit in the first base line box seats! I can't wait!

Growing up is weird

I am so freaked out that a bunch of my friends from high school are already married. It is really creepy to see wedding pictures on facebook. And at the same time, I am so jealous because it seems like out of all the people getting married right now, Daniel and I should be! But, alas, we are not. However I can spend the next three years planning the most beautiful wedding.

Today was nice. I realized how slow the day goes when I have nothing to do. Even though I wasn't really sitting around the house all day, I wasn't nearly as busy as I am at work. So the day seemed to be a lot longer. I spent some more money. I really need to stop doing that. I wanted to see Daniel today, but it didn't happen. He is in Tempe and I am in Scottsdale. And I really don't want to drive all the way to Tempe. It's not that far, but the whole getting in the car and driving down there and using the gas and then having to drive back just seems like a lot of work. I will see Daniel tomorrow at church anyways. I am excited for church. It has been a long time since I have gone and I really miss it. And I get to play in second service which I think will be fun. It won't be the best music ever made, but it will be fun.

Tonight we watched the Diamondbacks but they were losing so bad we decided to watch some old Disney movies instead. SO we watched the Emperor's New Groove and then Toy Story. Great movies. It was really fun to watch them. It feels good to laugh.

I guess I don't have that much to say. Except I want to get married. The End.

Grades!

My grades were finally posted today. All As! But because there were a bunch of A-, my GPA went down a little. But it's still a 3.8. I am so happy! I want to keep up all As, but that's just going to get harder.

My first week of the internship is over. It has been so exhausting. I work from 8:30-4:30 everday, but because I carpool with my Mom it's more like 7:15am - 5:30pm. That's a lot of hours. And I have to wake up so early I am ready for bed by 10:00! I can't believe how much I have learned in just one week. I know so much more about working in a lab and following procedures and making sure everything is exact and accurate. There are so many rules to prevent contamination and all this stuff, it's insane! And my hands are all dry and cracked and peeling from changing out my gloves every few hours.

I really love the other people in the lab. We all get along so well and they are so nice. They keep reminding me that everyone makes mistakes and I shouldn't worry about it. But yet at the same time Dr. Walker keeps reminding us that this is real work, it's not just practice. It's important that we get accurate results because this is real research. It's so exciting!! I am really anxious to find out what else I can learn in the lab over the next 7 weeks.

Yesterday I got to work with Emily, the other head of the lab. She does work with real tissues and things like that. She taught me how to take brain tissue that was cut from mice and prepare it for mounting on a slide. It's a very complicated procedure that involves adding a primary antibody to attach to the target protein, then a secondary antibody onto the primary antibody, and then a solution called ABC onto that. Each time you have to wash it three times to wash off the excess antibody. So she explained why each step is important and the function of it. Then this morning I learned how to mount the tissue onto slides. It's really delicate work. The tissue samples are so tiny and I have to use this little tiny paintbrush to move it around without tearing it. We use a dissecting microscope to look closer at it. So that took me a really long time. Then in the afternoon we dehydrated the slides with ethanol and glued a coverpiece over the slide so it will keep for months. The dehydrating process involves dipping the slide in 10 different solutions for exactly one minute each so it takes about 10 minutes.

I don't know if anyone could actually follow that, but it was very tiny detailed stuff that took a lot of patience and concentration. But I got off a little early today which was nice. Tonight I am going to go to Tempe again and hang out with Evan and Daniel and other people. It should be fun. It will be nice to have a relaxing weekend. I need it.

My First Day of Work

I am exhausted. I had to wake up at 6:30 this morning to get to work on time. When I got there I had to watch a bunch of videos about lab safety and what to do with a chemical spill, or radioactive material, how to perform an experiment safely, how to use a centrifuge, etc. etc. They were sort of boring, but I was also really excited about the idea of working in a lab. Then a secretary lady took me up to meet my supervisor. His name is Dr. Doug Walker. He is using genetics to research Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. He asked me a little about myself and what experience I have in the lab. Then he took me into the lab and introduced me to the other intern, Russell. Russell just finished high school and is starting at ASU in August. He was kind of dorky, but nice. He showed me the test he was performing. Without explaining all the background and science behind it, I'll just say that we were performing a test on 6 different patients' DNA to see if they have a particular gene that almost guarantees they will develop Alzheimer's. So we performed this complicated test and you have to do everything very carefully or else the results are messed up. I watched the last half of the test, and then did the entire thing by myself with other people telling me how to do it. Our lab is pretty small, everyone except Doug is really really young. There are two lab workers who are about to leave to go to Medical School. So they are all in their 20s and all really nice and outgoing and attractive people. Quite unique for a research laboratory. So anyways they walked me through the test. It didn't turn out really great, but tomorrow we are going to redo it and this time I'll have a little practice so it should turn out better. And otmorrow I am going to learn how to extract the DNA material too. Nikki, one of the med school students, told me that if we get some extra time I can test myself for the gene. That would be really awesome! So in the morning I was really bored just watching Russell finish the test. I was like falling asleep. And there's lots of times in the test where we just have to wait for the gel to set or wait for a machine to do its thing so we had some dead time. I was seriously falling asleep. But after lunch, I felt better and was really excited about peforming my own test. And I am keeping a notebook with everything I'm doing in it. I'll be working in the molecular biology lab and doing all kinds of different stuff. Nikki even said I might get a chance to go down to the morgue and watch an autopsy. I get a badge and I wear a lab coat and go through a million pairs of latex gloves. The most important thing I learned I think was pipetting. Pipetting is not as easy as just squeezing the little bulb at the top and then squeezing it again to pour out the liquid. These are very special automatic pipettes. They are very accurate and there are different buttons and stuff. It's really important to follow protocol in order to eliminate as much error as possible. Even things like holding the pipette in your hand too long can affect the accuracy. And you have to change the tip and throw it out each time so you don't cross contaminate and stuff like that. Anyways, it was kind of boring and scary and I was very nervous and uncomfortable, but in the end so so excited about the work that I am doing and I can't believe I'm actually performing tests for real patients! But I really don't want to wake up again at 6:30 in the morning. And 40 hours a week is A LOT. But I guess it's all about being an adult and having a real job. I'm going to bed now. I need sleep.

Stressful!!

Wow. Beginning from the time I wrote that last blog, until I got on the plane, my life was one giant panic attack. As soon as I finished that blog I checked out of my room. My RA, Cassidy, came and just checked everything over and took my keys and locked the door behind me. Then I took my bag downstairs and there was a scale there so we weighed it. It was 63 pounds. Waaay over the 50 limit. So I opened it up and started taking stuff out. I put my iPod dock in my backpack and took out a purse and put a bunch of shoes in that purse. That still wasn't enough, so I took out my robe and gave that to a friend to put in storage and took out a few heavy power cords and stuffed those in my backpack. I finally got it down to like 52 pounds but I had to catch the light rail to the airport, so that was going to have to work for now. Daniel was nice enough to go part of the way to the airport with me thank goodness so he helped me carry all my stuff. I grabbed my box lunch and walked to the light rail station.

The way the public transportation works, you have to take the light rail to this big station called Nine Mile Station and then there is a bus that leaves from there to the airport. The bus leaves once about every hour, and it takes 45 minutes to get to the airport. Well I guess we read the schedule wrong because by the time I made it to the staiton, the bus had left. That means I had to wait another 45 minutes for the next bus, and that would get me to the airport at 5:15. My plane left at 5:50. Not good. So I frantically called my friend Lexi who has a car. She was perfectly willing to take me until she remembered that she had to check out of her room at 5:00. It takes 45 minutes to drive to the airport, so she wouldn't make it back in time to check out. Darn. So then I thought about my friend Claire, but she had just left to drive her friend 20 minutes away to Littleton to store her stuff for the summer. So, I was left with calling a cab. I called the company and they told me it would be sixty dollars to take me to the airport. While waiting for the cab, Daniel called his roommate Collin who also has a car. Thank the Lord Collin dropped whatever he was doing and left immediately to pick me up. He drove me, Daniel, and all my luggage 45 minutes each way to the airport. He saved my life!! I seriously almost broke down crying, and if Daniel wasn't there I think I would have just froze and completely missed my plane.

Once I got to the airport with all my stuff I was really nervous that they were going to charge me for being over 50 pounds. Daniel helped me get my stuff to the check-in line and then with a kiss, he left. So I lugged my stuff up to the counter exactly one hour before my flight pulled away from the gate. I was like 2 pounds over. So I took out my big DU sweatshirt on top and it was exactly 50. So I was left carrying a purse full of shoes, a folded up blanket, a sweatshirt, and my backpack on my back. I ran to the security line and when I got there, it was a big long line. I couldn't even see the front because the line was so long. I was really nervous about making it through in time, but I did. I got up to the front and had to walk into this air puffer thing and then the X-ray machine and then I grabbed my stuff and RAN to the gate. Why does it seem like the gate to go to Phoenix is always at the end of the terminal? When I got there they were boarding all rows. When I finally got to my seat I had to tell myself over and over again to relax because I finally made it and nothing can go wrong from here on.

When I got to Phoenix my Mom gave me a big hug at the baggage claim. It was so nice to see her and kind of surreal even. It was like, wow that's my mom right in front of me. My bag came out pretty quickly and then it was off to dinner and then home. When I got home I wanted to unpack everything before bed, but I looked in my closet and realized that I didn't have enough room in my closet for the clothes I actually wear. It was full of shirts and other stuff that I left at home because I never wear it. So I pulled out the stuff I didn't want and put it in a bag for goodwill. And then I could finally unpack everything.

What a day. I still think it's a miracle that I got here with all of my stuff. I am so happy to be here though. I have a lot of stuff planned for the next few days that I am really excited for. Last night I really missed Daniel. After being together 24/7 for a few months, it was hard to be away from him. But he'll be home tomorrow night. I can't wait to see him and his family. Tonight Nicole and Sarah and I are going out for dinner (Mexican food! It's been soo long) and then to Evan's. I'm so excited to see them all. I miss my friends from AZ. So to sum up, I am very happy to be home.

Oh, and last night right before bed I checked blackboard for my grades, and I did terrible on my physics test. A 72 percent. But, I still got a 90% for the quarter. That's an A! All I care about is that I got an A. I am so happy. Still waiting on the other classes. I think it'll be a while.

Goodbye, Denver (for now)

Well, I'm sitting here in my empty dorm room. It's kinda hard to believe I actually found a place for all my stuff. Let me tell you, it is quite difficult to fit everything you own into boxes and a suitcase. But I did it! Last night I slept in Daniel's room because Lexi took all my stuff, including my bedding. It was really nice. We watched two episodes of The Office on his computer and then went to sleep listening to the thunder and rain out the window. All night it was pretty chilly but we were bundled up under the covers. I couldn't sleep at all. Every couple of minutes I would think "tomorrow night I'll be sleeping in my bed in Arizona!" or "I can't believe I'm starting that job on Monday" or "I have to take a physics test tomorrow and I can hardly remember anything" and my heart would jump a little bit. It's very difficult to sleep with thoughts like that running through your head. Eventually I did fall asleep though. And I went to take my physics final. It was really hard. I have been so focused on moving out and going home that I really hardly studied at all. I felt like I was pretty well prepared and it's not like there's anything to really memorize for physics. But when I got the test today I freaked out. There were questions that I really had no idea what he was asking. But there were other questions that I knew really well. So we'll see. If I do really terrible, I will get a B in the class. But that's not such a tragedy, I can deal with a B.

So in one hour my RA is going to come and check me out and then it's off to the airport! It takes an hour to get there using the public transportation. I have my little box lunch that DU sells to the students and I'll eat that on my way there. I am a little worried about my suitcase being overweight, but I'll deal with that when I get there. I just remembered that I have to check in to my flight. So with that, I will say.... see you in Scottsdale!!

Debriefing of my day

Daniel is sleeping on my bed while I write this at my desk. I think he's so cute when he's sleeping. I always just want to go lay down next to him and take a nap. Or give him a kiss right on the tip of his nose. The excitement from my internship has wore off now, and I can think logically again. When I went down to dinner my friends swore I was like shooting up cocaine or something. I was purely manic. That's the only way it can be described. After dinner I called my grandparents and they were really excited for me as well. Both them and Daniel told me not to give up just yet on that job, but I thought there was no way I would get it now. Well, I am happy to say that they were right and I was wrong.

Today was a great day. I woke up this morning very tired and groggy, but with the attitude that I was going to attack my psychology test. Daniel reviewed the material with me again yesterday, and I felt so ready to tackle that test. The test was long and exhausting, but overall I am really confident that I got an A. I did the short answer stuff first which was about 20 questions that I had to write 2-3 sentences for. Then I did the 81 multiple choice questions. It took me about an hour. My hand was really sore and my mind was tired, but I know I did well.

Then I came home and took a nap until lunch time at about 11:45. Daniel and I had a nice caesar salad lunch together and then walked over to mail our used textbooks and we got a really yummy jamba juice. I've never had that flavor before, but it was good! I think it was like strawberry surfrider or something like that. I'll definitely have to get it again.

Then at 1pm I had my American Religion final. Daniel again helped me review for this one earlier this afternoon. I was definitely ready for this one as well. My professor asked very broad questions and we had to write a short essay for three of them: one for Judaism, one for Catholicism, and one for African American religion. I knew exactly what to say and wrote plenty for each. I didn't bother with the extra credit question because I was tired and didn't have much to say on it. Again my hand hurt after writing three essays, but when I was done I went home and relaxed. My roommate moved out today so now the room is all mine for my last two nights here. Wow. Two nights left. Scary.

Tomorrow Daniel and I really have absolutely nothing to do. So we decided to take the public transportation over to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. I think it'll be really fun. It's exactly the kind of stuff I'm really interested in. Dinosaurs, animals, space, etc. It might rain tomorrow, so we don't want to risk going to the zoo. Then that night I will wash my sheets and towels and do some last minute packing before Lexi takes all my stuff. And then I'm ready for my last final and my flight home on Thursday!

This weekend is going to be really great. Thursday night we're going out for a nice dinner after my plane lands. Friday I will probably get my hair cut, nails done, and maybe a facial. Just relax and unpack and settle in. Probably bake some cookies!! Then on Saturday I am so excited for national scrapbook day. Obviously I have an entire school year of pictures to work on spanning three cities all across the country, and there will be yummy food and great people that I haven't seen in such a long time and it will be good bonding time with my mommy. And Nicole might come too which I would really like. I'm really looking forward to spending time with her this summer. Over Christmas break we had such a good time together. Then on Sunday is a bridal show with Beth and Nicole (and maybe AJ? not really sure). I am definitely excited for that too!!! And then Sunday night the whole family is coming over and my Dad is cooking me an abundant spread of some of my favorite foods that are homecooked and I haven't eaten them in months. Then on Monday morning, bright and early, is my first day of work! Me going to work! A real job! That will look incredible on my resume and give me experience and not to mention $1000 at the end of the summer. I really hope they still give me time off for vacation in July. But if they don't, oh well. It's worth it.

Chocolate ice cream will just top off this day nicely. Too bad the D-backs are losing badly. If they won, that would just make the day perfect.

I think I'm high on serotonin

So I don't have much time to write because I'm meeting Daniel and Eric and Lexi for dinner in five minutes, but I have to write this down now while it's fresh.

A few minutes ago, I got a call. It had a 623 area code, which is way north Phoenix. I was thinking, I bet it's Sun Health Research Institute finally telling me I didn't get the job. So I reluctantly answered, and sure enough it's Brian Browne, the guy in charge of picking the applicants. He told me that someone unexpectedly dropped out of the program, and I was their first alternate selection. He wants me to start as soon as possible!!!!! I told him that I'm still at school, but I get home Thursday evening. He told me to report to his office at 8:30am on Monday, and I'm all set. He is emailing me the acceptance letter and other information. I am floating on a cloud. After I hung up I literally got up and ran around my little tiny dorm room. I jumped up and down. I screamed. I can't even believe it. What a miracle! What is the liklihood that someone would drop out and I am their next choice??!! I can physically feel the chemicals running through my blood. I'm shaking. I called my Mom and I'm sure she thought I was having a heart attack because my voice came out all high and squeaky and I was like screaming at the phone. Then I called Nicole, then my Dad. Then Daniel called and I told him. I have to go to dinner now. more later.

Who needs a job anyways?

So the more I think about it, the more I am resigned to not having a job. For the following reasons:
1) most of my friends (Sarah, Nicole, Daniel, Evan) do not have a job (or a very time-consuming job) this summer so I will have people to do things with
2) I don't really need the money because I get an allowance from my parents
3) I will get to do everything that I want to do like volunteer at VBS, go on family vacation, and visit my grandparents
4) I am very frustrated and nobody wants to give me a job that I am willing to do (not waitressing or cashiering)
5) I will still make money by babysitting nights and weekends
6) I will be able to help my parents around the house and cook dinner and run errands, etc.
7) Starting in September, I will have two jobs, so it all evens out

So, although I am still going to apply if I hear of a job that sounds good, I will no longer actively pursue a regular summer job. I am frustrated and discouraged. Maybe this sounds arrogant, but regardless, I think I am too smart to be working at a fast food place or even really working retail. My time is worth more than $7.00 an hour. I am smart enough to be able to handle a real job. Too bad most real jobs require experience. Of which I have none. So I guess I will have to wait until I have something impressive, like a degree, to put on my resume before I will get a decent job. And now I have an excuse to just hang out and do whatever I want for a few weeks. After all the work I've put in the last 9 months or so, I think I deserve it.

I have to keep telling myself this stuff so I don't feel incredibly guilty. I have a few friends who actually have bills to pay and stuff and have no choice but to get a job, or even two, in order to pay their bills. But, then again, I chose a different path: college. And my parents and grandparents are very willing to support me while I get an education. Why do I always do this? I feel bad, then I rationalize and I feel better. Then I feel bad about something else, then I rationalize again and feel better. Until I feel bad about something else. I think part of it is that I'm a little afraid that others will look at me as a spoiled lazy brat sitting at home all summer. Well they will just have to get over it. Cause I'm not just going to sit at home. I will be volunteering at VBS and babysitting and helping my parents. There I go rationalizing again. I think I'll stop now before I spiral into a hole of guilt.

Daniel took me out for Ben & Jerrys today. I have the best boyfriend in the world. It's official.

Nostalgia

I just spent the last two hours packing up most of my stuff. Even though I am really glad to be going home, I am starting to feel sad. Mostly last night I was sad. At 10 we walked over to Seth and Kyle's house, two of Daniel's fraternity brothers. They live in this cute little house right across the street from a beautiful park. Eric is going to live there next year. So we were in their side yard sitting around the fire. They had tiki torches up, soda, beer, rum, and lots of other stuff, and cake(!) for another fraternity brother's birthday. I really love hanging out with all those guys and going to parties and stuff. All the brothers treat me so nice. They tease me and stuff, but I know they love it that I come to all the parties. And thankfully just a little while later some more girls came so I wasn't the only one. And by midnight there was a good 25 or 30 people. It was really a good time. I have made so many great friends in just the 5 months or so that I've been here. And I was sitting there thinking about how in high school I never went to any parties like this and I can't believe how social I am talking to all these guys and having a great time. Although Daniel kindly pointed out that a big reason I was so social is because I had a large cup of rum and coke. But I don't care, I was having a great time. So this summer I'm going to miss all those guys. I'm sure we'll have plenty of parties to go to, especially because Evan and Mike and all them have a house in Tempe now. I'm looking forward to that, definitely.

Daniel has been helping me study the last couple of days. I feel pretty well prepared for physics and psychology, and okay for religion. I'll look over my notes tomorrow just to be sure. But right now honestly I'm more focused on moving out and preparing for the summer.

Tonight Daniel and I are going out for dinner to celebrate the end of the year. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about spending more money. I am worried about finding a job this summer. I have applied for 5 or 6 the last few days, but none of them are promising. They all prefer experience and I have none. Which is why I need a job. It's quite frustrating. You need a job to get experience, but you need experience to get a job. I applied to be a phlebotomist at two local hospitals, which is mostly out of my league. And I applied to be a teller at two banks. I think I would really like working at a bank. But they both preferred prior experience handling money and working with customers. I guess I have a small shot at it. When I get back home, I'll get applications for Barnes and Noble and Banana Republic. Neither have online applications. I don't think I would be that disappointed if I didn't get a job. I might get bored, and of course I would like the money, but after this hectic year it would be nice to have a few months to do what I want. And I would be babysitting too, so it's not like I wouldn't make any money at all.

I am super excited for volleyball and really just to go back to church again. I feel totally out of the loop not being at church or going to events. I miss seeing all my friends, and even their parents every Sunday at church. I am a little nervous though. Some of the people back home I know it's going to be like I never left and we are going to be best friends again. I'm really excited to see those people! However, some other people it's going to be very different. I don't know if they are going to treat me differently, or if I'm going to treat them differently, or if they even consider me a friend anymore. Or if I even want to be their friend anymore. It's complicated. Daniel and I have talked about that a little bit. We just chose totally different paths for our lives, and I don't know if we have anything in common. Actually, I know for sure that we have very little in common. I guess I'll just have to feel it out and see how it goes. In some ways, I feel waaaaay older than I did a year ago. In other ways, I feel like I'm still really young. I guess that's like the textbook definition of college age/young adults. Well that's all part of growing up I guess.

Four days. Hallelujah. I'm going home!