O Chem= Impossible!!

In the past two days, I have been going back and forth between freaking out about chemistry and just not caring. To be honest, I really have no idea what my grade is right now. I'm not sure how the curve will affect my test grades and how much the homework I have turned in will boost it as well. But I know it's not good. A B if I'm lucky, a D if I'm really in trouble. And if I do bad on the final exam, it is within the realm of possibility that I could get a D in the class. Yikes. I already know I have an A in one class, and I have two finals tomorrow in biology and psychology. I'm sure I will get at least a B in those classes, if not an A. So all that's left is organic chemistry. I'm really proud of myself for studying hard and doing better in biology this quarter than I have all last year. I wish I could celebrate that and feel good about it, but chemistry always creeps into my brain.

Last night I called my parents because I needed some encouragement. They assured me that they would love me no matter what grade I get. My mom told me that o chem is notoriously hard and she had a difficult time with it when she was in college. She is convinced that I'm so smart that if I can't pass the class, she doesn't see how anyone can. That's a mother's blind love. My dad told me that I should just try my best and life will go on. I feel much better after talking to them. I have been avoiding studying because I feel overwhelmed like I don't know where to start. This is the only class that my final is comprehensive so there's just so much material to go over. And the fact that I didn't do well when I was tested on the material the first time does not leave me very optimistic about the final. I did finally spend about an hour yesterday and a couple hours today going over my notes and example problems. I have been improving and I'm feeling slightly more confident. I hope my GPA isn't completely ruined by this one class this one quarter. I wish it was over and I could just let it go. But I still have two days to obsess about it. Sunday at noon, I will be finished and there's nothing left to do but find out my grade.

The doorbell just rang, and there were flowers delivered for me! The card said "We have faith in you! Love Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa" That is so sweet! I feel so much better about finals. No matter what grade I get, I know that I tried my best and in January I can start fresh and work harder. My family loves me :-)

Week 10

I am done with all my labs! I'm so happy!! Labs are the worst: they are so stressful, and no matter what I always lose points even when I think I am doing everything right. I took a final exam in biology lab last Wednesday, so I'm completely done with that and I just finished my last organic chemistry lab write-up! The first two quarters of organic chemistry lab were really really hard. Every Monday I would dread going to lab. There were always things that I didn't know how to do, or something wouldn't work right and I didn't know how to fix it, or I didn't read directions close enough and I screwed something up. Quite often I wouldn't get the right product, or any product at all! It was a lot of work. Finally this quarter I figured it out. I was able to relax and do what I needed to and most of the time it worked out. I'm so proud of myself for working through it and really learning how to problem solve. But even so, I'm very glad I'm done. Of course I'll have another lab next quarter. Actually, three labs.

Yesterday I had my annual check-up and there were a few little complications so I have to go back for an ultrasound next week sometime. I don't want to go into details (I'm sure nobody wants to hear details) but there was about 15 minutes when I thought I may have to have a very painful procedure done. I started breathing really heavy and panicking and my doctor (actually, she was a nursing student) was asking me if I was okay. I told her I was just really nervous and I didn't want to have anything done. She consulted with my real doctor, her supervisor, and they decided to refer me to radiology to get an ultrasound. I've never had one before, so I don't really know what to expect. I just really hope everything's okay. They also did a routine pregnancy test just to be sure, and I surprisingly got a little nervous. I know that there's very little chance I could be pregnant, but you never know, right? It was negative, but needless to say it was a very stressful "routine" appointment!

Yesterday Daniel and I took Jackson to Petsmart. He chews up his toys and flings cotton all over the house, so we wanted to see if we could find some really durable toys he would like. Just our luck, there was a big adoption drive happening which means there were kennels of dogs set up in the store and it was a Saturday so it was crazy busy! Jackson went nuts. He was pulling really hard on the leash. An employee asked us if he could help us find something and Jackson jumped up on him. That's something we've been working on, but he just doesn't get it. Every time we come home, he jumps up to greet us. I was so embarrassed. This guy was a trainer so he told us about the training classes they have there. I told Jackson "down!" and the guy said to Jackson, "Oh, they're confusing you already." Then he told me that "down" means lie down, and "off" means get off. I was really embarrassed. It's so frustrating because we are trying really hard and at home he will sit and lie down and stay and all of that, but if there's a million people and barking dogs and toys and bones and treats everywhere, of course he's a little distracted. But Daniel and I got some tips to work on the jumping up thing so hopefully in the next week he will get better manners. I can just picture him jumping on Grandma when she comes over for Thanksgiving. That would not go over well.

I'm also worried because we let Jackson sit on the couch with us so we can cuddle while we're watching TV or something. But at my parents' house, they don't want him to. So he has to learn that it's not okay there. Most of all, I don't want my dad to discipline him. I HATE the way my Dad yells at dogs and children to get them to behave. I don't believe that yelling is a good method. And my dad has this need to assert his authority over everyone and everything. Seriously, every time we talk on the phone he says "well you tell Jackson that his grandpa Burt isn't going to let him jump all over the furniture. If he does then he's going to have one less leg" or something like that. He constantly threatens to hurt Jackson. I know that it's just threats, but it bothers me! Why does he have to say stuff like that? He's a puppy! Well I'm completely off topic now, but my point is that I'm nervous about taking Jackson to my parents' house.

I'm going to go bake some cookies. :-)

My sister!

My sister is here, and we're having a blast! It's been way too long since we've seen each other. As we get older, I enjoy spending time with her so much. And it was nice that Mike came too, he has been really fun to hang out with. We're so lucky that our whole family gets along so well.

Anyways, we went to the zoo yesterday. We were planning on going because we had free passes. When we drove there, traffic was crazy and then we figured out that it was free zoo day. And on top of that, it was a rare beautiful day this time of year in Denver, so everybody decided to go to the zoo. It was fun anyways. It seemed like all the animals were out and active. Maybe that's because I'm used to the Phoenix zoo where all the animals are laying in the shade so they don't die of heat stroke. That evening Nicole took us all out to the Melting Pot to celebrate our birthday. It was so much fun. We each got a birthday card signed by all the waiters. It was wonderful to feel so special not only because it was our birthday, but because we're twins. Growing up, I thought it was so unfair that I had to share my birthday with someone and everyone else got to have that day as their own special day. But now I think it is so special that I get to share it with someone. The maitre d' came over to our table and asked us about why we were here and where we were from and all. We told him that we were twins celebrating our 21st birthday and that Nicole was here in Denver visiting us because we go to DU. He asked to see our IDs (though somehow he made it sound more like he was excited that we were 21 than he was "carding" us) and told us we could each get a free shot from the bar. We had already ordered cocktails for ourselves, so those came out and then a guy brought over 2 bright green shots. It was called a Jamaican 10 speed and it was delicious! I think I drank a little too fast, because when our entree came out I was feeling a little drowsy. But that food soaked the alcohol right up! We ate so much I thought my stomach was going to burst. It was so fun to celebrate with my sister and our boys. I think they were a little sad they couldn't drink with us, but that will change in another month for Daniel, and 6 months for Mike.

Today Nicole and Mike met me on campus for lunch and we had dinner together. They actually sat in on my biology lecture and then I showed them around my lab. It was so funny, as soon as Nicole left 3 of my friends looked at me and were like "are you twins?!!" Yesterday we had a discussion about whether we still look identical. We think we look so different now, and so does Daniel. But I think for people that don't know us really well, or don't know that I'm a twin, they were really surprised when they saw her. And even though we've lived apart for 2 1/2 years now (that's so sad!) I'm surprised that we still have so many of the same mannerisms. Nicole spent the afternoon painting Mike white and gold for the football game. It's in the 40s tonight, so I imagine he's a little cold. I don't think he cares though. They were both so excited to go to the game; I know they're having a great time. I'm going to miss them when they go home tomorrow morning. But I have to remind myself that I will see Nicole at Thanksgiving and again for our trip to Vegas and Christmas, and then the family reunion in California. So we'll see plenty of each other in the next few months. Maybe enough that we'll actually start arguing again (just for old time's sake lol)

Motivation

I'm tired of getting the average. I want to be better than average, I want to be really really good! I'll settle for slightly less than the best :-) Today I got another midterm back, and of course I got the average. Well, 2 percent above the average, but close enough.

This quarter I feel like I haven't been trying my hardest. I was talking to Daniel today and I realized that I have been purposely doing "just enough." I have been doing my homework well enough that it's passable, and studying just the amount that I feel I will do okay on a test, but not terrible and not wonderful. When I think about that midterm I have tomorrow, I usually tell myself I'll spend about an hour studying and when my brain gets tired I'll stop. Often I tell myself that I will study some more later, and then I don't. It's easier to watch TV, or read, or play with Jackson. In the past I've blamed my mediocrity on the fact that I just don't know how to study. Or that I'm just not quite smart enough. And maybe those are partially true. But the fact is, I have decided that I'm willing to be okay. I'm willing to put in enough time to get Bs, and I will just deal with that.

I sort of convinced myself that it was okay. There are other things in life that are more important than getting As. There are friendships and socializing and cooking and taking care of the house and Jackson... all of these things are important too. I don't want to be that person that goes to class all day and studies all night. I want to go out and have fun too. I decided that the cost of spending an extra 10 hours a week (or how ever much it will take) studying was just simply too high.

Daniel wasn't buying it. He told me that it's not okay to accept mediocrity from myself. Someday, when I have a job, I will need to give 100% all the time. And right now I am teaching myself that it's okay to do just enough to get by. I don't want to be that kind of person. In middle school and high school I was so proud of the fact that I always put forth my full effort in whatever I was doing. And that has changed in the last few years. I don't know why exactly. Maybe because I have much more of a social life, or because I have more responsibilities, or because I have less motivation to do well. And I think a part of me is discouraged. I feel like it's just too hard! I'll never be able to get As.

I'm not sure how much more work it will take for me to get to that "A" level. What if that means only an extra 30 minutes a day of reviewing material? Or what if it means an extra 2 hours a day? How much am I willing to do? I don't know the answer to that yet. I have to try. I am committing to start with 30 minutes a day of studying. Not including homework, papers, assignments. Strictly reviewing the course material. There's only 3 weeks left in the quarter, and one test in each class. I'm going to focus on that. I can do this for 3 weeks.

Impulse shopping

I didn't have a lot of plans today except to get all my homework done. After about 2 hours, I needed a break so we took Jackson for a walk to the park. He ate yet another remote this morning. That's number 5. It's gotten to be pretty ridiculous and I don't know what to do to keep him from eating them. No matter what, he finds a way. I think that we might not be giving him enough attention so he's bored. He has nothing better to do than sit and scheme on how he can steal the remote away from us. He is a really smart dog. For the first few months we had him, we played fetch with him outside for at least an hour a day, and we walked him about every day. But since it's gotten colder and snowy, we haven't been playing outside as much. Today was the first nice day in weeks. It was actually in the 60s! So we took advantage of it by taking him to the park.

After I did some more homework, we ran some errands. Paul didn't have anything to do, so he went with us. We have such a small kitchen and there's not enough storage space so we decided to go to the Container Store and see what we can find to give ourselves more space. We got this rack system to hang our spices on. That frees up a whole cabinet that we are now using to put our liquor and wine. We have quite a collection now! Then we went to Lowe's. Daniel and I want to paint the basement and our bedroom over winter break. We weren't going to buy anything today, just see how much it will cost and look at paint colors. We just happened to see a Christmas tree for a really good price and couldn't resist getting it. We were going to wait and get one right after Christmas when they're all on clearance since we won't be actually in our house all that much this December. Paul's family will actually be staying here while we're in Phoenix. But when we saw one that we liked for such a good price, and we had a coupon that expired in a few days, we bought it. Besides, I'm sure Paul's family will appreciate having a festive house for the holidays.

Next we went across the street to Safeway. We got a bunch of coupons in the mail for groceries we actually needed/wanted for a change. I hate those coupons that are like "take 5 cents off 50 packages of toilet paper." And there was $10 off your purchase of $50 or more which is a good deal regardless. Our total went from $70 to eventually down to under $30. I was thrilled! Finally, we went to Costco to pick up a few things. We had a gift card there so I didn't have to spend any actual money. That always makes me happy. We got a package of like 85 ornaments that all match for our new tree.

When we got home, the three of us put together our spice rack and put up our Christmas tree. I know it's a little early, but we wanted to enjoy it while we're here in Denver. And with the snow and everything it really feels like Christmas already. We put on Christmas music and had some wine that was called "electric reindeer." It was so much fun! I absolutely love having a house and decorating it for the holidays. It feels like we're a real family :-)

Besides that, I have been studying for my biology midterm tomorrow. It is pretty pathetic that after 15 years of school, I still don't know how to study. I have pages and pages of notes and diagrams and figures and charts to memorize. How am I supposed to do it? The past few years I have been using flash cards, but I decided that doesn't really work. It is time consuming to make, and it makes me memorize facts instead of really understanding and synthesizing concepts. And I wasn't doing all that well on my exams no matter how well I knew my flashcards. For my last exam, which I got a B on, I felt like I knew everything pretty well just from paying attention in class. There wasn't so much material that I couldn't remember it all. But this time there is so much it is overwhelming. I mean the sheer number of new terms took up a whole page in my notebook. I ended up just kind of reading over my notes and going through the figures again a couple times. That's the only thing I know how to do. I used to have Daniel quiz me, but he can't even pronounce half the words in my notes and he certainly doesn't understand all the figures. I think what would be most effective would be studying with a group that's in the class with me. Unfortunately, I don't really know anyone and they all still live on campus because they're a year younger than me. I should try harder to get to know them and get a study group together.