I survived going back to work! It was incredibly difficult, but of course I got through it. My first day was really hard, but it was made much easier by my mom. She came over early so I didn't have to worry about him while I was getting ready. Of course it was helpful having her there, but all I wanted to do was hold my baby boy. I didn't want to cry, so I held it together until I got into the car. It was great that I was able to call my mom as many times as I wanted to see how Elijah was doing. But really once I got to work I felt much better. It was great to see everyone again and I was reminded why I like my job. Everyone was so nice and asked me about Elijah. They all seemed very understanding of how hard it is to go back to work.
That first day was also my chance to see how pumping and bottles is going to work. He ate 16 ounces of milk, which totally freaked me out because I only produced half that much while I was at work. I was immediately calculating how long my frozen stash would last before I would have to supplement with formula. But the next day he didn't eat as much, and I have been nearly able to supply enough fresh milk for him each day since then. That night (Thursday night) Elijah slept through the night for the first time. He slept from 11pm until 6am. Unfortunately, he was in his swing all night long. I really hate to become dependent on anything to get him to sleep, but I enjoyed the night anyways. His sleeping habits have deteriorated in the last few weeks and there were many nights that I was up very late trying to get him to go to bed, and then again for hours trying to get him back to sleep after a feeding. But that one night was a total fluke- since then his sleeping has been even worse. Two nights ago he went to sleep at 8:30pm and I was so thrilled. But he woke up at 1am and didn't go back to sleep until 4:30! It took hours of rocking and nursing him over and over again before he finally fell asleep in my bed. After 30 minutes I felt brave enough to attempt to move him to his own bed and he stayed asleep thank goodness. Last night he slept really well again (9:30 to 4am and 5am to 7am) but it was in his swing again. And the 9:30 bedtime was only after an hour of crying, rocking, nursing, swaddling, etc. I can't help but wonder what happened to make bedtime so much more difficult all of a sudden. I think it must have something to do with me going back to work. All of a sudden he was left with a stranger (his grandma, but still a stranger to him) for a few days, and then we had a very busy weekend so I'm thinking that was a little stressful for him. All I can do is hope that a few weeks of day care and regular bedtime and waking up gets him back on track.
Our first day of day care was an absolute nightmare. He slept terribly so we were both exhausted. He woke up to eat at 6:15am and never went back to sleep. So I had to try to get ready while taking care of him. He did pretty well until I was in the middle of blow drying my hair and he had a total meltdown. I probably waited too long to tend to him because by the time I picked him up he was inconsolable. I spent 15 minutes holding him and calming him down. This made me 15 minutes late, so I was running around like crazy trying to remember everything I needed to bring to day care and for myself for work. He finally fell asleep 10 minutes before we had to leave, but he woke up when I put him in the car seat. Then he screamed harder than I've ever heard him scream before the whole way to day care. He finally stopped as I pulled in to the parking lot. I was already upset about leaving him and listening to him cry for 30 minutes certainly didn't help. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was already crying as I carried him inside. There was a sign on the door that said "Welcome Elijah R. and family." It was so thoughtful and made me cry even more. His teachers were so amazing though. They turned a horrible day into a manageable one. Immediately his teacher Erica consoled me and told me how she cried on her daughter's first day of high school (I don't even want to think about that!). She told me it will get easier and that I can call as much as I want to check on him. About an hour after I got to work his other teacher Justine called me just to tell me what he has been doing so far. It was so nice to hear from them. Even though they told me I could call, I was still hesitant. It was nice that they took the initiative. Justine also called me later to ask if I wanted to come and nurse him, or if they should go ahead and feed him. I told her to feed him, but then at 1pm I was able to go and visit. I drove over there and spent 30 minutes with Elijah. He was so happy laying on the floor looking at himself in a mirror. After he spit up a massive amount of milk all over me, I got to swaddle him up and rock him to sleep before I had to return to work. I also got to spend time getting to know his teachers and the other kids in his class. It made me so happy to see him relaxed and calm. I was there and back in less than an hour! Daniel was able to come and pick him up so I met them there when I got off work. When I walked in, Daniel was holding him fast asleep all swaddled up. My day started off horrible, but ended up perfect. And I give all the credit to his teachers and the day care.
Today was much better. Elijah slept well last night and slept late enough that I was able to shower and get ready before waking him up to eat just before we left. He did cry most of the way to day care again. I think he's just so tired in the morning. He is not a morning person, just like his mommy! But he'll get used to it. This morning I pulled over half way through my drive and put his pacifier back in. That calmed him down enough that he fell back asleep and stayed asleep until I left him. It was a lot easier just like everyone said, but still sad. I'm sure it will only get easier.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
End of maternity leave
My maternity leave is coming to an end and I am completely torn. I want to go back to work. Staying home all day is about the least stimulating thing I can think of. It's extremely repetitive- feed baby, change baby, put baby down for a nap. Over and over again. A few weeks after Elijah was born, I was so ready to go back to work. He was (and still is) sleeping most of the day, and I ran out of things to do. But now that it's so close, I'm not thrilled about leaving Elijah. Even though my day is very predictable, those little moments of happiness between the monotony make it all worth it. Yesterday, I finished feeding him and sat him up on my lap. He looked right into my eyes and gave me a huge smile. I starting crying hysterically. I am going to miss him so much! He's going to give that huge smile to some stranger at day care instead of me. The thought of someone else consoling him when he cries, someone else feeding him and changing him, someone else rocking him to sleep makes me crazy! I'm his mom! I should be the one to meet all of his needs. But Daniel (as usual) made me feel better. He asked me if I remember my teacher from day care when I was an infant. Of course I don't. But I know my Mom. I know that she loves me. Sometimes when he knows exactly what to say, it's kind of scary.
We went to day care last Friday to meet his teacher. The whole thing went really well. The classroom is beautiful, and all the teachers were so excited to get a brand new infant to play with (all the other kids in his room are close to 1 year). And then we got back into the car to drive home and I completely lost control. I cried the whole way home. I don't even want to think about the first day I have to leave him there. I just remind myself that I can go visit him as often as I want. It's on the edge of campus, so I can be there in 5 minutes. He starts day care on Oct 29. I'm actually going back to work on the 25th (my 24th birthday!) but my parents are in town, so my Mom is going to come watch him for Thursday and Friday.
Since I'm still on maternity leave, my life has been consumed by Elijah. He is still the easiest baby ever. If his diaper is dry and his belly his full, he's a happy boy. To put him to sleep I just swaddle him, pop in a pacifier, and lay him down. He's asleep within minutes all on his own. The only issue we've had is with breastfeeding. Since we introduced bottles, he has gotten lazy. The bottles we used (the ones that came with my breast pump) let the milk flow so quickly that he didn't even have to suck. So even with just one bottle a day, he came to prefer that, and wouldn't latch on and suck at the breast. A lactation consultant came to the house last week (thanks to my awesome insurance, this is covered with just a co-pay!) and gave me some ideas to help. We switched to a different brand of bottle and a different method of feeding him. It has helped a lot, but he still gets lazy once in a while. I've also been dealing with a ton of clogged ducts. It's pretty painful and very frustrating. I think this comes from an oversupply of milk combined with Elijah's lazy eating and sleeping such long periods at a time. I have an oversupply because of his weight problems in the first few days. The lactation consultants recommended that I pump after feeding Elijah every single time, so I went into overdrive making a ton of milk. Sometimes I wake up in the morning (particularly after Elijah has slept really well) and I'm so engorged it's painful. I've gotten up to 5 oz from the pump after feeding Elijah. That's enough for a whole extra bottle! The clogged ducts make it even harder for Elijah to get milk out, so he gets upset and cries sometimes when the milk doesn't come out fast enough. I'm determined to keep breastfeeding, so even when it gets really frustrating I stick with it. I know a lot of people who just pump and feed bottles exclusively, but I don't want to do that. It will be so much easier when we go home for Thanksgiving if I don't have to bring the pump and bottles and all of that. And, this may be a little selfish, but I like that I'm the only one that can feed him. I don't want anyone else to do that. This is my excuse to take my baby, go to a private place, and spend time together with just us. I don't want to give that up. I know that the struggles I'm going through are nothing compared to what a lot of women have to deal with. I am so happy that we've made it this far and he still hasn't had a drop of formula.
Elijah is almost 7 weeks old and he has started smiling every single day. It melts my heart every time! Daniel and I do the craziest things to get him to smile. If I feel like this now, I can't imagine how excited I'll be when he says "mama" for the first time, or reaches for me. I absolutely love being a mom. It's a million times better than I even imagined (and that's saying a lot!).
We went to day care last Friday to meet his teacher. The whole thing went really well. The classroom is beautiful, and all the teachers were so excited to get a brand new infant to play with (all the other kids in his room are close to 1 year). And then we got back into the car to drive home and I completely lost control. I cried the whole way home. I don't even want to think about the first day I have to leave him there. I just remind myself that I can go visit him as often as I want. It's on the edge of campus, so I can be there in 5 minutes. He starts day care on Oct 29. I'm actually going back to work on the 25th (my 24th birthday!) but my parents are in town, so my Mom is going to come watch him for Thursday and Friday.
Since I'm still on maternity leave, my life has been consumed by Elijah. He is still the easiest baby ever. If his diaper is dry and his belly his full, he's a happy boy. To put him to sleep I just swaddle him, pop in a pacifier, and lay him down. He's asleep within minutes all on his own. The only issue we've had is with breastfeeding. Since we introduced bottles, he has gotten lazy. The bottles we used (the ones that came with my breast pump) let the milk flow so quickly that he didn't even have to suck. So even with just one bottle a day, he came to prefer that, and wouldn't latch on and suck at the breast. A lactation consultant came to the house last week (thanks to my awesome insurance, this is covered with just a co-pay!) and gave me some ideas to help. We switched to a different brand of bottle and a different method of feeding him. It has helped a lot, but he still gets lazy once in a while. I've also been dealing with a ton of clogged ducts. It's pretty painful and very frustrating. I think this comes from an oversupply of milk combined with Elijah's lazy eating and sleeping such long periods at a time. I have an oversupply because of his weight problems in the first few days. The lactation consultants recommended that I pump after feeding Elijah every single time, so I went into overdrive making a ton of milk. Sometimes I wake up in the morning (particularly after Elijah has slept really well) and I'm so engorged it's painful. I've gotten up to 5 oz from the pump after feeding Elijah. That's enough for a whole extra bottle! The clogged ducts make it even harder for Elijah to get milk out, so he gets upset and cries sometimes when the milk doesn't come out fast enough. I'm determined to keep breastfeeding, so even when it gets really frustrating I stick with it. I know a lot of people who just pump and feed bottles exclusively, but I don't want to do that. It will be so much easier when we go home for Thanksgiving if I don't have to bring the pump and bottles and all of that. And, this may be a little selfish, but I like that I'm the only one that can feed him. I don't want anyone else to do that. This is my excuse to take my baby, go to a private place, and spend time together with just us. I don't want to give that up. I know that the struggles I'm going through are nothing compared to what a lot of women have to deal with. I am so happy that we've made it this far and he still hasn't had a drop of formula.
Elijah is almost 7 weeks old and he has started smiling every single day. It melts my heart every time! Daniel and I do the craziest things to get him to smile. If I feel like this now, I can't imagine how excited I'll be when he says "mama" for the first time, or reaches for me. I absolutely love being a mom. It's a million times better than I even imagined (and that's saying a lot!).
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