My roommate thinks I'm nuts

I realy love watching the Diamondbacks. Honestly, I think it's more because it reminds me of home and of fun times going to the ballpark with family and friends. But regardless, I watch it almost every night. You may be wondering how I can watch the Diamondbacks while I am in Denver. Well, Nicole, too, loves to watch our home team so she bought a $15.00 online subscription to MLB.com which allows you to watch any baseball game live. She gave me her username and password and now I get to watch too! So I am sitting here on my bed watching it on my laptop with headphones on so my roommate can do her homework. And just a second ago we got a guy out at home plate and it was such an awesome play. However, I know that my roommate is not watching and therefore I am careful not to make any cheering noise. But I couldn't help but throw my hands in the air. I might as well have just screamed because she thinks I'm crazy anyways. She looks at me and laughs every time I make noise or sudden movements. ha. It's so much fun anyways! I love watching the game.

Waiting for class to start

I just finished my psychology mid-term. I was so nervous that I seriously thought I just might throw up. Yikes. I am never nervous about tests, so I don't know why I was so nervous about this one. Maybe I didn't study enough, or maybe because I have never taken psychology before, or maybe because I want to keep all As, or maybe because the test was this huge packet. I don't know, but regardless I need to take a deep breath and remind myself that it's over, it's out of my control, I just have to wait for the results now. I really wish I didn't feel so nauseated.

I miss church

I really miss going to church. I am so lucky to have gotten to grow up knowing that there were a ton of people, not relatives, that love me and care about me. Every Sunday I know that the adults in the church are proud of me and the younger kids at church look up to me. I know that I am surrounded by people that care about me and want me to do well. And I love all them too. I really miss seeing all these people. Honestly, a lot of decisions I have made were based on what I thought would make my church family proud of me. And it's such a great thing that I know that even if my entire immediate family suddenly dies in a plane crash, I will never be out on the street. I mean, even when my parents decided to move to Montana there were like 5 families that offerred for me to stay with them over Christmas or the summer. The Valdivias, Whitmires, Francis, Wickershams, Beth and Jake, Ivies, etc. etc. all offerred a room for the summer. And even crazier is that I would be perfectly happy staying with any of them. I feel that every child should grow up with this kind of love and acceptance. I feel like Cross in the Desert is the 'village' that raised me. And I couldn't ask for any better upbringing. I will be so happy to go home for the summer and see all these people again and feel like a part of the family.

Today = stressful

I hate it when I have things that I need to do but I can't do them. Let me explain. I am applying for a summer internship and the application is due Wednesday. As in two days from today. I asked my physics professor about 2 weeks ago to write a letter of recommendation for me. He still has not given it to me. The rest of my application is finished, envelope is addressed, etc. I am just waiting for the letter. And on top of that, I have like 5 other things I need to mail and I am waiting to mail them all together because I live in a dorm which means I have to go to a post office and I don't have a car which means I have to walk. So I have a pile of things I need to mail and every time I think about them or see them, my stomach knots up. And I know that's ridiculous because I'm going to do it tomorrow, and I know that, so I shouldn't be stressed about it. Part of it as that I'm worried that if I mail it tomorrow, it won't get there until Thursday, and maybe they won't accept it because they didn't receive it by April 30. And one of the other things I'm mailing is a DVD that I'm returning to Amazon because stupid people sent me the wrong one which means that I don't get a refund until I mail it. And I hate having it just sit there while that money is still charged on my credit card. I need to relax. Definitely. Except I can't because I have two mid-terms this week. And that majorly stresses me out. I haven't gotten quite as good grades so far as last quarter and I really want to keep all As. That is a lot of pressure for me to put on myself. How in the world do I get rid of all this stress??!! I just wish that I could forget about it for a little while. Just writing this I can feel this giant knot in my stomach and my shoulders are tense. I need Daniel to come make me feel better, but he's busy. So that's not happening. HELP!

Today will be a good day.

I am excited for today. Eric's parents are in town so we're going out to eat. And that is exciting for two reasons: one, a free meal that's not in the dining hall and two, Eric feels that I'm important enough to introduce to his family. On a related note, a year ago Daniel's mom gave me this personality test that, among other things, measures if you are an extrovert or an introvert. I scored very high as an introvert. And I retook the test for my psychology class and I am now an extrovert! I know that sounds stupid and superficial to other people, but that is very exciting to me. In high school I was happiest when I was alone in my room. Parties and social situations were scary and I was always paranoid that people were thinking that I am stupid and a dork. But now, I go out like every weekend and even most days during the week. And I love it! I have a ton of friends, and I feel like they are all genuine, caring, loyal friends. It's amazing that I can walk on this huge campus and say hi to like 3 people that I know.

So anyways, after dinner with Eric, Daniel and I are going to a cocktail party at Jimmy and Janeen's apartment. And we're supposed to get all dressed up and everything. And I'm pretty sure that we're going to get drunk which always makes for a good time. But maybe not. Well, probably. Because it's close enough to walk home.

Yesterday was a good day too. :-) Daniel, Eric, and I went to the bookstore to get some mailing supplies for my application, then we went out for lunch, and then my two boys got hair cuts because formal is next weekend and they should look nice for that. They both look very cute! I did a ton of homework which makes me feel accomplished and happy and not guilty the rest of the night (see previous post). Then Daniel and I had a nice stroll to Safeway because I was out of chocolate ice cream and I made a nice little deposit into my checking account, and then we went to Newman. I actually played my clarinet. It's been like over a year, but I pulled out the ol' clarinet and it wasn't terrible. Some keys were sticking and stuff, but it was nice to play again. And I played the piano which always puts me in a really good mood. Then Daniel and I ate dinner at Nelson, which was not horrible even though it's a dining hall on campus, and then Daniel had to go to his RA thing so I went home and finished my application! FINISHED! I am so glad. So all that's left is mailing them. And when Daniel got back, we watched Juno and went to bed. What an ordinary, yet lovely day.

Friday. Sigh.

Today was a good day. Nothing special. Althought I got to spend lots of time with Daniel and Eric which was nice. I feel like I haven't gotten to see Daniel hardly at all this past week. With his RA classes, and music stuff, and Theta Chi stuff, I feel like he is so busy that I never get to see him. But at the same time, I am glad that we do things on our own. I need time to myself sometimes, and he needs times with his friends. But next year it's just going to get worse. He's an RA and he will still be on the executive board of Theta Chi and he will still have all the music school stuff. But I will be busy too. Hopefully I will have two jobs to keep me plenty busy. Plus, I'll have Lexi :-)

Last night Daniel told me that he thinks I really need to do something about my anxiety. He thinks I study WAY too much and I worry WAY too much and I don't give myself enough down time or credit for what I've done.

I have two views on this. One, I am a biochemistry major which means my classes are much more difficult and take more studying. Plus, I think that studying and doing my homework thoroughly and to the best of my ability is why I got all As last semester and got good grades in high school. So I should spend a lot of time on school work. Two, Daniel is a little right. Okay, a lot right. I spend way too much of my life worrying and stressing about everything I have to do. I obsessively make lists of everything, I mean everything that I have to do. Today, tomorrow, next week, on the weekend, etc. On the weekends, I cannot go out and do anything, even grocery shopping or out to lunch, if I haven't done homework first. Whenever I am not doing homework or in class, I am feeling guilty because I'm not doing homework or in class.

Daniel thinks I might benefit from meditation or therapy or medication or something to help me relax. I think that this is just my personality and I really don't want to do something about it because that would be admitting that something's wrong. And I feel like I'm doing a lot better than I did my junior and senior years of high school. My stomachaches are a lot less frequent. I used to get them every single day in high school and in Boston, but now it's only like once a week. So maybe in another year it will be all better. How am I supposed to know when it's bad enough to require action? I know I'm driving Daniel crazy though. I'll have to think about this some more.

Memories

One of my old friends just posted a bunch of pictures on facebook from freshman year. It's weird because I haven't actually hung out with those people since about the middle of my sophomore year. So since I was 16. That would be almost four years ago. And I look back and have totally mixed feelings. On one hand, those were some of my happiest times. Those people made me laugh and feel giddy and popular and life was fun. But on the other hand, that was a very difficult time in my life. I can't understand why I feel like I was very happy and very depressed at the same time. Which was it? Maybe both.

I still talk to some of them, or at least I did when we went to high school senior year, but some of them I really haven't talked to since sophomore year. It's too bad. We had great times. But I also feel like part of growing up is shedding your old relationships to make room for new ones. I mean, if I was still friends with all of those people then I wouldn't have made all of my new friends. And that's just what happens in life. You drift away from people. I can't wait for our 10 year high school reunion. It's going to be great.

I think I will choose to remember the good times. The times that we would just all hang out at one of the Rosen's famous pool parties and talk about stuff that 14-15 year olds talk about. We would listen to music, tell crazy jokes, date each other and break up, talk about who we thought would break up next, see movies, go shopping, go out for lunch at Desert Ridge, and just hang out. I will remember the tiny moments when I felt like I had a place that belonged to me in this little group. The times that I felt secure and liked and carefree and fun. And the times that I was nervous because I knew that Daniel was going to kiss me, and what if he thinks I'm a bad kisser? There is nothing like being 14. It's a scary, fun, confusing, crazy, unsure, carefree time. But I sure am glad that I'm not 14 anymore. Being 19 is much better. I think everyone would agree.

Bliss

I am so happy. My life could not be any more perfect right now. I am so lucky to have the family that I do. My parents and grandparents are so dedicated to my success and they spoil me rotten! I pretty much get whatever I want. Yet, they have also taught me to be a good person. They have taught me to not act like a spoiled brat and to appreciate what I've been given. And because of them, I am extremely confident that I will have a wonderful life.

And I am so fortunate to have Daniel. How many people get to spend their entire high school life with the man that they love? I am only nineteen and I already know exactly who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I am so so excited to do that. He is going to be a great husband and daddy and we are going to have a wonderful life together. He treats me like a princess! He knew that I wanted to go see this show at the Denver Center for Performing Arts, but it was really expensive. He surprised me and bought us tickets anyways! And he takes me out for dinner every weekend. Even though we have been together for five years, we are more in love now than we ever have been. And after spending a semester in Boston, I really appreciate that I get to see him every day and if I am having a bad day or I am feeling depressed, he is right there to give me a hug and kiss and a big bowl of chocolate ice cream.

I also feel so lucky to be able to go to college. I don't have to worry about paying for it and having huge student loans to pay off after school. And I don't have to try to manage a job and school at the same time. I can just have fun on the weekends, and go to parties with my friends, and as long as I do my homework and keep my grades up, I am fine. I have never been this happy ever in my life. I hope I'm always this happy. :-)

What an exciting day!

Today I woke up not thinking it was going to be a very good day. First of all, it's Tuesday, which means I have class from 10am all the way to 6pm with a one hour break for lunch and I am usually exhausted by the end. Second of all, I don't get to see Daniel all day because we are both busy and have classes at different places on campus. And Third, I had to eat lunch all by myself :-( And until about 20 minutes ago, it was going about like I thought it would. But I got home at about 6:30 after having a nice (yet short) dinner with Daniel, and I noticed a nice little letter in the mailbox. Well, it's always exciting when I get mail, so I opened it and the letter informed me that I got a scholarship! I got the Emma Engle Scholarship which goes to undergraduate woman enrolled as a chemistry major. It's for $1000! Yay! So I called my dad and grandparents and mom to tell them the good news, and my grandpa told me his good news. He's going to be a great-grandpa! Oh my goodness that sounds crazy to me. My grandpa is going to be a great grandpa. My cousin Cedar is having a baby in August or September of this year. It's not that big of deal because I haven't seen her in about 4 years, and we don't really see her much more than every 4-5 years, so I doubt that we will see the baby that much either. But it's still exciting and I am very happy for her.

So now that all the excitement from the scholarship has wore off a bit I have now come crashing down to earth and realized that I have a crapload of homework to do that I really don't want to. I have two jobs to apply for and just a bunch of stuff to do. I should have done some of it last night, but I really REALLY didn't want to do it last night. And I just really don't want to do it tonight. So, by default, it is being done tonight. And after I finish it, I am going to watch the Diamondbacks. It reminds me of home and family and happy times at the ballpark, not to mention that they are winning a freakish amount of games and it's just fun to watch your team win. And I will eat a big bowl of chocolate ice cream while I wait for Daniel to get home. When did he become the overachiever and I become the one sitting at home? I guess college does change you.