4 month sleep regression

Night #2 of battling with Elijah for bedtime.  I am pretty sure this is developmental.  I've read lots of things online that say right around 4 months babies often go through a sleep regression.  All of a sudden he notices the whole world around him, and there are much more interesting and fun things to do that do NOT involve sleep.  That sounds about right.  Just in the last week we've noticed a huge growth spurt in his development where he is playing with toys and interacting with the world much more.  So, I've got it diagnosed.  But I don't know how to fix it.  I have a few ideas, but I'm afraid to try any of them because if they don't work then we may end up with a night of even less sleep than we've gotten the last few nights.  But I've made a few observations that give me some clues for possible solutions.

First: he still needs to be swaddled.    We have been using the velcro SwaddleMe blankets for about 6 weeks now, and they work great.  Without them, Elijah wiggles out of his swaddle almost immediately.  He is very close to outgrowing his current blankets so I thought it was time to move up to the bigger size.  So I went to Target and bought bigger swaddle blankets.  We put him in the larger one and I think that it wasn't tight enough for him.  He got his hands up and on top of his belly.  Halfway through the night, he just wouldn't go back to sleep.  I went upstairs and his eyes were wide open in his crib.  I took him out of the large swaddle blanket, put him back in the smaller size, and he went right to sleep.  Out like a light.  So that tells me that he still needs to be swaddled.

Second: he might be outgrowing the rocking to sleep routine.  We did our usual bedtime scenario.  Daniel bounced him and shushed for a little bit, and then I took over.  After a few minutes I sat down and rocked him in the rocking chair.  It seemed like he just couldn't get comfortable.  His eyes were closed, he seemed asleep, but he was still squirming and arching his back every few minutes.  I thought he wasn't swaddled tight enough so I laid him down on the changing table.  Boom.  Asleep.  Stopped squirming, deep breathing, spit out the pacifier.  Daniel gently lifted him up and put him down in the crib and he was down for the night.  Maybe it's time to just swaddle him up and lay him down.  I think I might try that tonight.

Third: he needs to eat enough during the day so that he's not hungry at night.  I have been watching closely how much he eats, and I think he needs a good 30 oz of milk in a 24 hour period.  He usually gets 25 oz before bed, and then one bottle in the middle of the night.  I'm wondering if we dream feed him another 3-5 oz before we go to bed, if he might sleep all the way through the night.  It's worth a shot right?

There's one other strange sleep habit that has come up recently.  Elijah talks through his sleep ALL NIGHT. Last night from his wake-up around 2am all the way until he woke up at 6:30am, he made noise.  His teachers at day care noticed it too.  They said that during his naps, they thought he was awake a few times. But when they went over to pick him up, he was still asleep.  Usually, persistent noise means he's awake.  Last night after over an hour of listening to him I just figured until he starts actually crying I'm going to leave him in his crib.  Unfortunately, I couldn't go back to sleep.  I just kept waiting for him to wake up and start crying.  I put in ear plugs around 3am and that helped me sleep all the way until my alarm went off at 5:45.  So I was up from about 1:30 (when I got up to pump) until about 3.  Yuck.  But, his sleep talking is kind of a good thing.  It's training me to learn that every little noise does NOT mean he is going to wake up.  I have to learn to let him whine a little, roll over, and go back to sleep on his own.  Daniel is very good at this.  I am not.  I'm such a light sleeper, and I assume that every little noise is the beginning of him starting to wake up.  And since we've been bottle feeding him, I want to get up and warm up a bottle before he starts screaming.  (Daniel doesn't mind making him scream while he warms up the bottle).  I think ear plugs will be very helpful the next few nights.  I know I will be able to hear him crying through the ear plugs, but they are just enough to block out a little whining.

I hope this sleep regression passes.  Until then, we will need to once again re-learn how to deal with bedtime and nighttime.  As a working mom, sometimes I feel like the entire extent of my mothering happens in the middle of the night.  Which is not fun.  I am learning for myself the truth behind the statement I have heard many times from other parents: as soon as you get the hang of parenting, your child changes and you have to start all over again.

Elijah's First Christmas

I have felt an incredible need to document everything about our lives right now.  I know I am going to want to remember what our lives were like when Elijah was really little.  It will be fun to read back on this when he's older.  And maybe a good idea before I decide I'm ready to have another baby!  Of course, I have to write all about Elijah's first Christmas Day.

He woke up very early at about 5:30am.  Daniel got up with him and let me sleep in a little bit.  Elijah went back to sleep before long, and then we all got up around 7:30am.  Elijah looked adorable in his red "Ho Ho Ho" PJ's.

We opened presents while on facetime with Daniel's parents.  There was light snow falling most of the morning.  Elijah took a long nap from noon until 3pm, so I got a little nap in then too, and got to watch a movie with Daniel.  We spent most of the day just hanging out and playing with Elijah.  Daniel made ice cream with his new ice cream maker.  Elijah took another nap from 4:30-5:30 so we took that opportunity to shovel the snow off our driveway.  And he cooked a delicious roast for dinner.  Elijah sat in his bumbo seat with a few toys while we sat at the table and ate dinner.  Just over the last few days it has seemed like Elijah is going through a developmental growth spurt.  He is now grabbing toys and bringing them to his mouth.  He can almost hold his own bottle.  It's like he's noticing the whole world for the first time.  He stares at Jackson, reaches for things, and whines when we take a toy away. He is also outgrowing his pacifier quickly.  It doesn't soothe him like it used to.  He really only wants it while he's falling asleep.

The day ended disastrously.  We have him a bath, put on his PJ's, and read one of his new books that he got for Christmas.  Then we swaddled him up, and he started to cry (like usual).  But instead of calming down and drifting off to sleep, he just cried.  And cried.  And cried.  For 2 hours we tried to get him to sleep and he just wouldn't.  We tried feeding him, we unswaddled him and reswaddled him.  We tried the swing, we tried white noise and music, we turned the fan on and changed him into cooler PJ's.  Nothing worked.  At 9:00 we just put him in his crib and let him cry.  After 15 minutes we regrouped and tried again.  Daniel let me go to bed around 9:30 and he took over.  At 10:30 he came into bed and Elijah was asleep.  Daniel thought it was teething.  Elijah chewed on Daniel's fingers and after he got some tylenol, finally went to sleep.  He was up again at midnight though.  We gave him a bottle and he went back to sleep after a little while.  But all night I could hear him.  at 1:30am he made noise, but went back to sleep.  Then again at 3:00am.  And we had to be up to go to work at 6:00.  So I didn't get much sleep at all.  It was a miserable night.  The worst part is that we have no idea why it happened!  And we still don't.  Hopefully it was just an "off" night.

Today I am taking a day for me.  I called into work sick, and I'm going to stay home and sleep as much as I want.  Elijah is at day care, so I get the day all to myself.  I feel a little guilty, but also like I need this for myself.  So I am going to try to enjoy it as much as possible.  Here's a few more pictures from our Christmas:

Bedtime Successes

It may be too early to say, but I think we found a bedtime routine that works miracles.

A few nights ago, after dinner we decided to give Elijah a bath.

And then we decided now would be a good time to put his pajamas on.

And then it seemed natural to read a story.

And then he was looking a little sleepy, but not yet fussing, so we swaddled him up.

And within 10 minutes, he was asleep.  No bottle, no nursing, no hysterical crying and arching his back.
Just sleep.  At 7:30.

And the next morning, he woke up at 6:30 a happy, well-rested baby.  Oh, and did I mention- he didn't wake up once in between?!

So we have decided that this was our new bedtime routine.  It has worked beautifully.  In the past, we have just sort of waited until Elijah seemed tired and then decided it was time to put him to sleep.  Some nights this was 7:00 (which I thought was way too early) and other nights it was 9:00 (which was definitely way too late).  Most nights, by the time we decided he was ready for bed, it was too late.  He was what most people like to call overtired, but as Daniel doesn't believe that's a "thing" we'll call it cranky instead.  He would cry and thrash around in our arms.  Most of the time we ended up feeding him which calmed him down enough to fall asleep.  Occasionally Daniel would suffer through the crying for about 30 minutes while bouncing, swaying, rocking, and shushing until Elijah would eventually succumb to sleep.  By this time it was way later than we intended to put him to sleep in the first place.  But with this new plan, he is in bed by 7:30 every night.  Last night for example, he didn't really seem tired.  But we swaddled him up anyways.  I put the classical music station on the radio, and Daniel rocked him for a good 15 minutes.  His eyes were still wide open, but he was staring at the ceiling completely quiet.  So Daniel put him in his swing and he drifted off to sleep quietly on his own.  That is the miracle I'm talking about.  Since his newborn days, he has never fallen asleep anywhere but in someone's arms.

Ready for a few more miracles?  He has slept through the night every night since we instituted the new bedtime.  AND he has woken up in the morning on his own, right around the time we used to have to wake him up.  We should have done this a long time ago.

A milestone reached: Elijah's first favorite toy

I think I can officially declare, for the first time, that Elijah has his first favorite toy.  A couple nights ago Daniel and I were hanging out with Elijah for a few minutes before his bedtime.  We pulled out almost every toy Elijah has and offered them up to him briefly.  There was one that seemed to catch his attention more than all the others- a dinosaur.  I clipped it onto his car seat.  The next morning on the way to day care, he didn't cry.  Instead, he played with his dinosaur.  This morning- the same.  He grabbed onto the tail of the dinosaur (which makes a crinkling sound) and fingered the silk tags hanging off the end.  This kept his attention for pretty much the entire 25 minute drive.  I promise I watched the road too, but I couldn't help looking in the mirror a few times to glimpse Elijah playing.  I am elated that I finally found something that will keep him from crying on the commute to and from day care.  I think it is incredibly adorable the way he plays with it.  I have never seen him reach out and grasp anything so deliberately.  And I've never seen anything hold his attention for that long (except me or his Daddy).  I think this is the beginning of him being able to actually play with toys and hopefully play independently!  So maybe I won't have to spend every one of his waking moments entertaining him.

Also, last night he slept from 7:30 until we woke him up at 6:30am.  He definitely has some bad nights, but we are SO lucky that at least once a week (and often multiple times a week) he sleeps all the way through the night.  And he's been like that since he was really little.  I think the first time he slept through the night was around 6 weeks.  He never wakes up more than twice a night.  Lately, Daniel has been taking the nighttime feedings.  This has helped my fatigue and stress level so much.  I still have been getting up to pump once a night, regardless of whether Elijah wakes up or not.  I'm working really hard to increase my milk supply and it seems to be working so I'm not going to mess with it.  Today was the first day in probably 4 weeks that I've been able to provide all the milk for him without thawing any from the freezer.  I think having him sleep through the night helps with my milk too.  If he doesn't wake up, I'm not having to feed him a ton of milk all night long.

I know this is so cliche, but it's absolutely true.  No matter how exhausted I am, or how much I wish I could have a few minutes of time to myself, one smile from Elijah makes me more happy than I've ever been in my life.

The Perfect Night

Last night was the perfect night.  I left work at 4 and when I arrived at day care, Elijah was asleep.  Perfect.  Why?  Because I had about a million errands to run.  So I left him there.  I called Daniel to delegate pick-up to him, and proceeded to drive all over town completing my various tasks.  Pick up Elijah's prescription, get groceries at Costco, pick up our Christmas cards.  Elijah's teacher called me about 5pm to tell me he had woken up, and miracle of miracles- Daniel had just called me to tell me he was almost there to pick him up.  So I went home and had enough time to unload milk from the day, wash the pump parts, put away groceries, and start dinner before Daniel and Elijah arrived home around 5:30.  I fed Elijah while Daniel finished cooking dinner, and we even got to eat dinner at the table with no baby on either of our laps.  Elijah happily played in his little bouncy seat and babbled along with our conversation.  When we finished eating we gave Elijah a bath and put his jammies on.  We read 2 short picture books.  Elijah was then swaddled, and this is where I leave Daniel to do the dirty work.  I HATE bedtime.  I have no patience for crying, squirming, or any of the strategies Elijah uses to prolong sleep.  Daniel, on the other hand, doesn't mind at all.  So while he rocks Elijah to sleep I pull out clothes for the next day, pack up his things for day care, and pick up the house.  Usually this ends in me either heating up a bottle or nursing him because he won't stop crying and that's the only way to get him calmed down and asleep.  But last night, within 10 minutes Elijah was fast asleep in Daddy's arms, and then, his crib.  By 7:30 he was in bed and we actually had time to spend together before my (ridiculously early but very necessary) 8:30 bedtime.  And we spent that time watching the finale of Survivor and assembling our Christmas cards.

By the way, I am really proud of us for actually putting together Christmas cards.  I really wanted to send some out but it sounded like way too much work and I had no idea how we would find the time to do it.  This is life after baby.  

I actually did a little cheer when Elijah was in bed at 7:30.  It is SO rare that I actually get time to do anything for myself.  Especially on a week night.  And I got ONE WHOLE hour to do things that I wanted to do.  Glorious.

Side note: Elijah did wake up briefly at 8:30, then again at midnight, and again at 3am.  But you can't win 'em all, right?  :-)

Joyful weekend

This weekend was perfect.  It was relaxed time with our little family at home.  We didn't do anything particularly exciting or special.  Spending time together, just the three of us, makes me so happy.  Elijah makes me so happy.  It amazes me every day how he can smile and laugh at the simplest things.  Last night I pulled out the hand puppets. While Elijah sat on Daniel's lap, I showed him how the sheep says "baaa" and the chicken says "cluck cluck" and the horse says "neeeeiiighhh."  I repeated this over and over again.  And then I pulled out the chicken and had it say "baa."  Elijah smiled and laughed!  He thought it was so funny that the chicken said the sheep's sound.  I have no idea if he really understood, but it was so cute.  

One of my favorite parts of the day is right after Elijah wakes up from a nap.  I go into his room and unswaddle him in his crib. He lifts up his arms over his head and stretches really big, then looks at me and smiles.  I can't help but smile back.  

I also love to watch Daniel and Elijah interact.  Daniel is such a natural Daddy.  He comes up with fun games to play with Elijah all on his own.  I get so focused on making sure Elijah is fed, dressed, clean, warm, and comfortable, that I forget to just play.  But that's what Daniel is good at.  One of his favorite things to do with Elijah is joke about "Daddy kisses."  He comes home from work and if Elijah is fussing, then Daniel picks him up and says "Oh, did you not get enough Daddy kisses today?"  and then kisses him all over.  Yesterday when Daniel was changing Elijah's diaper, he kept repeating "not enough?  You want more?!" and kissing Elijah on his belly.  Elijah loved it.  

When I was pregnant, I would sit in the rocking chair in Elijah's room and look around at all the things we had accumulated and imagine using them for this tiny baby that I haven't even met.  And now I sit in his rocking chair and look around at the pacifiers lying on the dresser, blankets crumpled up in his crib, dirty clothes in the laundry, and a garbage can filled with dirty diapers.  And it's everything I wanted it to be.  And more.  Of course it's completely exhausting.  If I get 15 minutes to do something for myself (usually sleep) then it's an extraordinary day.  But when I think about leaving Elijah, even just for a couple hours, I don't want time for myself anymore.  Every minute I spend with him is precious.  

Struggle and Acceptance

The past month has been really hard.  There were many days when I thought "oh, this is what people were talking about when they said having a baby is hard."  The first 3 months of Elijah's life were pretty easy.  Even after going back to work, I felt like we had a system that worked for us.  I was getting plenty of sleep, I felt confident in my skills as a mother, and Elijah was healthy and happy.  But since our trip to Phoenix for Thanksgiving, I have been seriously struggling.  I don't think it was the trip itself that did it.  I think it was the stress of the trip, combined with some breastfeeding issues that popped up right around that time, being told by our pediatrician that his slow weight gain is a problem, many illnesses hitting our family at the same time, and Elijah hitting the 3 month milestone where he is becoming more awake, active, and demanding.  Mostly, though, it's been the breastfeeding.  All of a sudden, he didn't want to nurse anymore.  He much prefers the bottle- it's easier and faster.  Waiting for my milk to let down, and sucking to get it all out just wasn't working for him anymore.  He would suck a few times, and then when the milk didn't come immediately, he would scream until I gave up and fed him a bottle.  We were both very upset every single time I fed him.  It made me angry and resentful that I have to work, so he gets bottles, and now he prefers them.  It also made me angry that all the books have these rules about breastfeeding that are nearly impossible for someone who works outside the home to follow.  There were days when I thought we were done breastfeeding for good.  But of course the old rule about breastfeeding proved to be true.  Everything is temporary.  I persisted and eventually was able to get him to breastfeed.  Sometimes without any fussiness at all.  Last weekend he didn't get one bottle and I was so thrilled.  On Saturday morning I sat in our rocking chair in his nursery with him happily eating, and it was one of the happiest moments in the last few months.  I love nursing him, and I wasn't ready to give it up yet.  But then a problem that was much worse came up: low supply.  Since we got back from Phoenix I have been unable to pump enough milk to send to day care.  Every single day they have had to thaw at least one of my frozen bags.  And now we are getting perilously low.  At this rate, my freezer stash will be gone in another week or two.  I've added an extra pumping session in at work to try to increase my supply.  So far I haven't seen an improvement.  In fact it seems to be getting worse.  I have ended up feeding him the milk that I pumped while at work in the evening because he's still hungry.  Which leads us to another problem- sleep.  His sleeping has deteriorated drastically.  He is now up 2 or 3 times a night sometimes and it has been a struggle to get him back to sleep every time.  I nurse him until it seems like he is asleep.  Then as soon as I try to put him down he wakes up and ends up screaming.  We have been up for over an hour some nights trying to get him back to sleep.  I think it is tied to feeding issues.  Before he was getting enough milk during the day that he could sleep all night.  Now my supply has dropped and he has to eat at night to make up for the lost calories during the day.  I am so sleep deprived I am desperate for bed by 8:00 at night.  And even then it's not enough.  I think I was almost starving Elijah because I was trying to hang onto the milk in the fridge to send to day care.  But now I've realized I have to feed him as much as he wants or else I will be up all night making up for it.  

All of these issues have made for a very stressful and anxious few weeks.  Every day has become a struggle to make sure he is fed, breastfeeding, sleeping, gaining weight, not spitting up, etc.  When I fight with him to breastfeed, and fight with him to go to sleep, there isn't much time left to just play.  So about a week ago I decided that I had to change something.  I gave up trying to conserve my milk.  I tried some new tactics to get him to breastfeed that have worked miracles- he is back nursing happily.  And it has made a difference.  He is sleeping a little bit better.  About once a week he will sleep through the night completely.  We have at least an hour of happy play time each evening and that's usually enough to remind me how much I love Elijah and that this is all worth it.  But the rest is just really hard.  In the last few days I have begun to accept the fact that I will have to feed him formula.  I can't supply enough milk for another 3 months until he starts solid foods. And as I have begun to accept that, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  There are moments when all this worrying seems so ridiculous.  He is happy and healthy.  Even though I don't get enough sleep and every minute of my day is consumed by chores and obligations, Elijah is happy and healthy and that's all that is important. Formula is not poison- it is perfectly good food.  And Elijah has already gotten over 3 months of breast milk.  I have done everything possible to give him what I believe is best for him.  I know that I have never tried harder at anything in my life.  That makes me proud and allows me to give myself permission to let it go.  Daniel agrees.  He believes that my mental health is suffering and that the benefit of continuing to struggle with breastfeeding doesn't outweigh the cost of my well-being.  I think I'm making him miserable with my worrying and anxiety and pressure I put on myself.  So I have made a decision to let it all go.  Everyone's happiness depends on my ability to calm down and regain my confidence as a mother.  I'm well on my way there.

Adjustment

Last night Elijah slept in his crib for the first time, and he did great!  About 3 weeks ago we discovered that if we put him to bed in his swing, he would sleep almost all night.  He fell into a routine almost immediately of waking up just once between 3:30 and 4:30am and then right back to sleep, usually until I had to wake him up to eat and go to day care.  Two nights ago we accidentally stopped the swing after his early morning feeding and he still slept just fine.  So last night I thought we should try the crib.  And guess what- he followed the same schedule.  I knew that he could sleep in a crib because he does at day care.  Now we know he can all night long as well.  This feels like such a huge milestone to me.  When we brought him home from the hospital I couldn't imagine him sleeping all the way upstairs in that giant crib by himself.  And here we are, 10 weeks later.  And it was so easy!  I know people read a million books and spend weeks of misery trying to get their baby to sleep through the night and in his own crib.  Elijah is just the easiest baby in every way that counts.  I know we are incredibly spoiled, and I definitely appreciate it.  There are just a few tiny issues that I would love to solve.  One is his spitting up.  We have to have a bib on him all the time because otherwise his shirt is soaked through in minutes.  Eventually I know he'll grow out of it, but for now it's just really annoying.  The other thing is riding in the car seat.  And he's not even that bad.  I've heard stories of other babies that scream all the time, every time they are in the car seat.  Elijah just gets tired of it.  My commute is about 30 minutes each way to work and back.  If he's fussy to begin with, then forget it.  He will cry the whole way there.  Over the last few weeks I have seen vast improvements.  This is partly due to our new morning schedule, but also I think he is getting older and just more used to it.  He almost never falls asleep in the car anymore, so often he jabbers to himself in the mirror.  Most days after about 20 minutes he starts to get tired of being strapped in and starts to whine a bit.  But it's been a long time since he has really screamed.  I think it might be time to hook a little toy or something to keep him occupied during the ride.

The end of last week was pretty rough.  It was a very long week and by Friday I felt like I hadn't seen Elijah all week.  This week I made a few changes to my routine that have helped me feel more connected to Elijah during the week.  On Friday I went to feed him during the day and it made such a big difference.  Now I have resolved to go more often and see him during work hours.  It's not that difficult and it makes such a difference in my happiness.  I've also decided to give myself permission to put off chores and housework.  When we come home in the evenings I was spending an hour each day just washing bottles, putting milk away, cooking and cleaning up dinner, emptying the dishwasher.... and Elijah was just sitting there.  That was precious time that I could be spending with him.  Now when I come home I only do what's absolutely necessary and spend as much time playing with Elijah as possible.  When I cook dinner or do chores, I put Elijah in the baby bjorn so that even while I'm getting chores done, I still feel close to him.  And finally, I get up a little bit earlier in the mornings so that I have 20 minutes that I get to dress Elijah, change his diaper, and play with him before we leave.  All of these things have made a difference in my feelings about being a working mom.  It's hard. I miss Elijah every minute of every day.  I am thinking about him constantly.  But I can make it work.  It's better for both of us.  Our family is earning a better income that will provide us all with opportunities.  I feel fulfilled doing work that I am interested in and that I feel is important.  Elijah spends all day in an incredibly enriching environment with people who love children and other kids that will teach him to share and wait his turn.  By being apart all day, I have learned to make the most of the time that we are together.  Instead of being tired and burned out after being with Elijah all day, I am excited to see him every evening and all weekend.  I truly believe that all of these are reasons that it is a good thing for me to be at work, and Elijah to be at day care.  It may not make me happy all the time, but being an adult is about making hard choices and doing what's right for the whole family- not just what makes me feel good in the moment.

Daily Routine

Life is finally starting to feel normal.  Or I guess as normal as it can feel with an infant.  I am starting to realize that with a baby, life is constantly changing.  So I've sort of given up trying to get into a routine as consistent as before Elijah was born.  Daniel and I have made a few changes to our day that makes for a much less stressful experience for all 3 of us.  I've started coming to work an hour earlier (which is still only 8am- not that early).  This works much better with Elijah's natural schedule.  His sleeping has naturally fallen into a pattern of bed around 8pm, wake to eat between 3:30 and 4:30, then up for good and another feeding around 6.  Daniel leaves for work at 7.  I used to try to shower and get ready between 7 and 8, but that was very difficult to do with Elijah awake and tired (read: fussy).  So now I get up a little earlier, Daniel feeds Eljiah a bottle when he gets up and then the boys hang out while I get ready.  We are both out the door around 7 or 7:15 and after dropping Elijah off, I'm at my desk by 8.  Before, the morning drive was about the time that he was ready to go back to sleep, so he was very tired and grumpy the whole way.  With this new schedule Elijah is much less likely to scream all the way to work, and he arrives happy and smiling instead of crying.  It makes me a hundred times happier to be able to shower and get ready without worrying about Elijah, drive to work without a screaming baby in the backseat, and drop him off with him smiling rather than crying.  I'm also able to leave work an hour earlier in the afternoon which is the difference between leaving when it's still light out and when it's dark and the difference between horrible traffic and fairly manageable traffic.  So all in all, it's working much better for us.  The only downside is that I'm not nursing Elijah when he wakes up at 6.  I miss nursing him so much.  I usually only get in one feed before bed if I'm lucky, and then the early morning feed.  Besides that it's all bottles.  At least I still get to feed him on the weekends.  I also feel like I never see Elijah.  When we are at home I'm either trying to get ready for work in the mornings or taking care of dinner and evening chores.  And Elijah always comes home so exhausted.  There's no time to just sit and play with Elijah.  I'm trying to figure out how people do it- or if their lives really just center around chores, obligations, and work.  I can only hope that as Elijah gets older, he'll stay up a little later and we'll have time to play in the evenings.  Otherwise it seems like a very long 18 years filled with meeting Elijah's needs and missing out on the fun parts of life.  Of course I'm exaggerating a bit, but that's what it feels like right now.  When I'm not at work, I'm hoarding every second I get to spend with my baby boy.  But it helps that I've been able to go see Elijah during work hours.  His day care is so close that I can go visit him in the middle of the day.  It's amazing how much happier I am after I get to see him.  The whole day goes faster.  I was even able to feed him the other day.  I wasn't the only mom in the nursing room either.  Apparently there are other mothers that go to nurse their baby in the middle of the day.  It's such a great day care; I am absolutely thrilled with it so far.  Last Friday when I went to pick him up, they were all strapped into the stroller taking a walk around the building.  Elijah looked so grown up sitting up in a stroller with all those nearly-one-year-olds!  And one day this week he was sitting in Miss Erika's lap while she read a story to 2 of the other kids.  They were all perfectly still and silent, listening to her.  I can tell Elijah is happy there.

When we do have a few minutes to play, I fall more in love with Elijah each moment.  He smiles more and more.  Sometimes he even initiates a smile now.  Most often it's in the mornings.  I'll put him down on the changing table and he looks right at me and smiles.  Daniel can make him smile pretty much any time.  Elijah thinks he is so funny!  I love to watch them interact.  Even when he's not smiling, his eyes are so expressive.  I can tell when he looks at me that he knows I am his mom.  He always looks like he is fascinated with the world.  You can tell he's taking everything in and learning so much.  He is such a beautiful boy.

In less than 2 weeks we will travel to Phoenix for Thanksgiving.  I am so excited to spend time with our families all together.  Many of them will be meeting Elijah for the first time.  I'm a little nervous too.  This is our first time traveling with Elijah.  And it will be very busy with a lot of activity for Elijah to take in at once.  I hope he isn't too overwhelmed.  I'm planning to take Elijah and have some quiet time each day, whether the family likes it or not.  I have to do what's best for him.  I need to make sure that he's eating on schedule (and I will be nursing him- no bottles!), and getting enough sleep.  I don't want a grumpy baby or a grumpy mom! Most of all, I'm excited.  I will get to spend 5 whole days with our little family, and lots of time with our extended family as well.

Day Care

I survived going back to work!  It was incredibly difficult, but of course I got through it.  My first day was really hard, but it was made much easier by my mom.  She came over early so I didn't have to worry about him while I was getting ready.  Of course it was helpful having her there, but all I wanted to do was hold my baby boy.  I didn't want to cry, so I held it together until I got into the car.  It was great that I was able to call my mom as many times as I wanted to see how Elijah was doing.  But really once I got to work I felt much better.  It was great to see everyone again and I was reminded why I like my job.  Everyone was so nice and asked me about Elijah.  They all seemed very understanding of how hard it is to go back to work.

That first day was also my chance to see how pumping and bottles is going to work.  He ate 16 ounces of milk, which totally freaked me out because I only produced half that much while I was at work.  I was immediately calculating how long my frozen stash would last before I would have to supplement with formula.  But the next day he didn't eat as much, and I have been nearly able to supply enough fresh milk for him each day since then.  That night (Thursday night) Elijah slept through the night for the first time.  He slept from 11pm until 6am.  Unfortunately, he was in his swing all night long.  I really hate to become dependent on anything to get him to sleep, but I enjoyed the night anyways.  His sleeping habits have deteriorated in the last few weeks and there were many nights that I was up very late trying to get him to go to bed, and then again for hours trying to get him back to sleep after a feeding.  But that one night was a total fluke- since then his sleeping has been even worse.  Two nights ago he went to sleep at 8:30pm and I was so thrilled.  But he woke up at 1am and didn't go back to sleep until 4:30!  It took hours of rocking and nursing him over and over again before he finally fell asleep in my bed.  After 30 minutes I felt brave enough to attempt to move him to his own bed and he stayed asleep thank goodness.  Last night he slept really well again (9:30 to 4am and 5am to 7am) but it was in his swing again.  And the 9:30 bedtime was only after an hour of crying, rocking, nursing, swaddling, etc.  I can't help but wonder what happened to make bedtime so much more difficult all of a sudden.  I think it must have something to do with me going back to work.  All of a sudden he was left with a stranger (his grandma, but still a stranger to him) for a few days, and then we had a very busy weekend so I'm thinking that was a little stressful for him.  All I can do is hope that a few weeks of day care and regular bedtime and waking up gets him back on track.

Our first day of day care was an absolute nightmare.  He slept terribly so we were both exhausted.  He woke up to eat at 6:15am and never went back to sleep.  So I had to try to get ready while taking care of him.  He did pretty well until I was in the middle of blow drying my hair and he had a total meltdown.  I probably waited too long to tend to him because by the time I picked him up he was inconsolable.  I spent 15 minutes holding him and calming him down.  This made me 15 minutes late, so I was running around like crazy trying to remember everything I needed to bring to day care and for myself for work.  He finally fell asleep 10 minutes before we had to leave, but he woke up when I put him in the car seat.  Then he screamed harder than I've ever heard him scream before the whole way to day care.  He finally stopped as I pulled in to the parking lot.  I was already upset about leaving him and listening to him cry for 30 minutes certainly didn't help.  I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  I was already crying as I carried him inside.  There was a sign on the door that said "Welcome Elijah R. and family."  It was so thoughtful and made me cry even more.  His teachers were so amazing though.  They turned a horrible day into a manageable one.  Immediately his teacher Erica consoled me and told me how she cried on her daughter's first day of high school (I don't even want to think about that!).  She told me it will get easier and that I can call as much as I want to check on him.  About an hour after I got to work his other teacher Justine called me just to tell me what he has been doing so far.  It was so nice to hear from them.  Even though they told me I could call, I was still hesitant.  It was nice that they took the initiative.  Justine also called me later to ask if I wanted to come and nurse him, or if they should go ahead and feed him.  I told her to feed him, but then at 1pm I was able to go and visit.  I drove over there and spent 30 minutes with Elijah.  He was so happy laying on the floor looking at himself in a mirror.  After he spit up a massive amount of milk all over me, I got to swaddle him up and rock him to sleep before I had to return to work.   I also got to spend time getting to know his teachers and the other kids in his class.  It made me so happy to see him relaxed and calm.   I was there and back in less than an hour!  Daniel was able to come and pick him up so I met them there when I got off work.  When I walked in, Daniel was holding him fast asleep all swaddled up.  My day started off horrible, but ended up perfect.  And I give all the credit to his teachers and the day care.

Today was much better.  Elijah slept well last night and slept late enough that I was able to shower and get ready before waking him up to eat just before we left.  He did cry most of the way to day care again.  I think he's just so tired in the morning.  He is not a morning person, just like his mommy!  But he'll get used to it.  This morning I pulled over half way through my drive and put his pacifier back in.  That calmed him down enough that he fell back asleep and stayed asleep until I left him.  It was a lot easier just like everyone said, but still sad.  I'm sure it will only get easier.

End of maternity leave

My maternity leave is coming to an end and I am completely torn.  I want to go back to work.  Staying home all day is about the least stimulating thing I can think of.  It's extremely repetitive- feed baby, change baby, put baby down for a nap.  Over and over again.  A few weeks after Elijah was born, I was so ready to go back to work.  He was (and still is) sleeping most of the day, and I ran out of things to do.  But now that it's so close, I'm not thrilled about leaving Elijah.  Even though my day is very predictable, those little moments of happiness between the monotony make it all worth it.  Yesterday, I finished feeding him and sat him up on my lap.  He looked right into my eyes and gave me a huge smile.  I starting crying hysterically.  I am going to miss him so much!  He's going to give that huge smile to some stranger at day care instead of me.  The thought of someone else consoling him when he cries, someone else feeding him and changing him, someone else rocking him to sleep makes me crazy!  I'm his mom!  I should be the one to meet all of his needs.  But Daniel (as usual) made me feel better.  He asked me if I remember my teacher from day care when I was an infant.  Of course I don't.  But I know my Mom.  I know that she loves me.  Sometimes when he knows exactly what to say, it's kind of scary.

We went to day care last Friday to meet his teacher.  The whole thing went really well.  The classroom is beautiful, and all the teachers were so excited to get a brand new infant to play with (all the other kids in his room are close to 1 year).  And then we got back into the car to drive home and I completely lost control.  I cried the whole way home.  I don't even want to think about the first day I have to leave him there.  I just remind myself that I can go visit him as often as I want.  It's on the edge of campus, so I can be there in 5 minutes.  He starts day care on Oct 29.  I'm actually going back to work on the 25th (my 24th birthday!) but my parents are in town, so my Mom is going to come watch him for Thursday and Friday.

Since I'm still on maternity leave, my life has been consumed by Elijah.  He is still the easiest baby ever.  If his diaper is dry and his belly his full, he's a happy boy.  To put him to sleep I just swaddle him, pop in a pacifier, and lay him down.  He's asleep within minutes all on his own.  The only issue we've had is with breastfeeding.  Since we introduced bottles, he has gotten lazy.  The bottles we used (the ones that came with my breast pump) let the milk flow so quickly that he didn't even have to suck.  So even with just one bottle a day, he came to prefer that, and wouldn't latch on and suck at the breast.  A lactation consultant came to the house last week (thanks to my awesome insurance, this is covered with just a co-pay!) and gave me some ideas to help.  We switched to a different brand of bottle and a different method of feeding him.  It has helped a lot, but he still gets lazy once in a while.  I've also been dealing with a ton of clogged ducts.  It's pretty painful and very frustrating.  I think this comes from an oversupply of milk combined with Elijah's lazy eating and sleeping such long periods at a time.  I have an oversupply because of his weight problems in the first few days.  The lactation consultants recommended that I pump after feeding Elijah every single time, so I went into overdrive making a ton of milk.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning (particularly after Elijah has slept really well) and I'm so engorged it's painful.  I've gotten up to 5 oz from the pump after feeding Elijah.  That's enough for a whole extra bottle!  The clogged ducts make it even harder for Elijah to get milk out, so he gets upset and cries sometimes when the milk doesn't come out fast enough.  I'm determined to keep breastfeeding, so even when it gets really frustrating I stick with it.  I know a lot of people who just pump and feed bottles exclusively, but I don't want to do that.  It will be so much easier when we go home for Thanksgiving if I don't have to bring the pump and bottles and all of that.  And, this may be a little selfish, but I like that I'm the only one that can feed him.  I don't want anyone else to do that.  This is my excuse to take my baby, go to a private place, and spend time together with just us.  I don't want to give that up.  I know that the struggles I'm going through are nothing compared to what a lot of women have to deal with.  I am so happy that we've made it this far and he still hasn't had a drop of formula.

Elijah is almost 7 weeks old and he has started smiling every single day.  It melts my heart every time!  Daniel and I do the craziest things to get him to smile.  If I feel like this now, I can't imagine how excited I'll be when he says "mama" for the first time, or reaches for me.  I absolutely love being a mom.  It's a million times better than I even imagined (and that's saying a lot!).

Life with a Newborn

Today Elijah turned 3 weeks and 1 day old.  I have one word to describe those 3 weeks: easy!  Elijah is the easiest baby.  Being a new Mom is the opposite of what everyone told me.  He sleeps so much that I have plenty of time to spend to myself.  As long as I time it right (i.e. right after he's eaten) I can still go out to dinner, go grocery shopping, do whatever I did before he was born.  He eats pretty regularly, around 2 1/2 to 3 hours between feedings during the day, but he'll go up to 4 hours during the night.  At night he eats and then goes right back to sleep.  I haven't been any more tired in the last few weeks than I was during the pregnancy.  Breastfeeding has been really easy too.  I actually think that formula feeding would be harder- I don't even have to leave my bed at night to feed him.  And I can't imagine how much money we would be spending on formula.  Elijah doesn't even poop very much- every other day he saves it all up and poops 3 or 4 times within 5 minutes.  He very rarely full on cries.  Most of the time it's just a little fussing and 9 times out of 10 it's because he needs his diaper changed.  The other 1 time it's because he's hungry.  Once I take care of that, he stops fussing immediately.  This baby is so easy!  My only complaint is that he isn't able to breastfeed without a nipple shield.  It's annoying that I always have to have one with me to feed him, but it's really a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things.  He is staying awake for longer periods every day and I just love to see his eyes wide open.  Sometimes he stares at me so intently it looks like he is memorizing my face.  I think he is the most beautiful baby.  My favorite thing is to watch Daniel interact with him.  He is such a natural- he knows exactly what to say and do even though Elijah is still in that kind of boring stage where he doesn't smile or coo or anything.  Daniel is back at work almost full time- he's working 30 hours a week now- so I'm really on my own most of the day.  Feeding Elijah takes up the majority of my day, but in between feedings I have plenty of time to clean the house, go grocery shopping, or meet Daniel for lunch.  I really appreciate having this time to focus on being a mom.  Any time I feel even a little bit stressed, I remind myself that right now my most important job- my only job- is to take care of him.  And everything else comes second.  It will be a lot harder when I have to go back to work, but knowing that we are sending him to a fantastic day care makes me feel better.  In the next week we are going to start introducing bottles.  I have been pumping pretty much since my milk came in, so I have a ton of milk in the freezer.  It will be nice to start using it up.  I'm hoping Daniel can take some of the nighttime feedings so I can sleep a little longer, but I don't know if I can go more than 4 hours without emptying my milk.

Elijah's Birth

Two days after our due date, on September 4, we had a routine prenatal appointment.
I went in a bit frustrated because I wasn't feeling any closer to
going into labor.  Besides Braxton-Hicks contractions I had no signs
of labor.  For the past 4 days I had been walking as much as possible,
though the heat and my enormous belly made it very uncomfortable.  Our nurse practitioner
started by listening to the heartbeat and she had a hard time finding
it at first.  She palpated my belly and said that she wanted to check
and make sure he was still head down with an ultrasound.  Two weeks
earlier the ultrasound clearly showed him in head down position so we
didn't think it was even a possibility that he could have flipped.
But sure enough the ultrasound showed him in breech position.  It made
sense because the night before I couldn't sleep at all because my ribs
hurt no matter what position I was in.  Daniel and I both started
crying immediately because we knew that meant we had to have a
cesarean.  Everything we planned for- laboring at home, a natural birth- went out the window.  I asked the doctor if we could schedule the surgery for that day
because I was tired of waiting.  She left the room to call the
hospital, and that gave us time to calm down and focus on the
positive.  Daniel and I reassured each other that a Cesarean isn't all that bad and tried to get excited that we were having a baby tonight!  She was able to schedule us for that evening at 7:30pm.  I
spent the whole day excited and trying not to think too hard about the
details of the surgery and desperately thirsty because I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything in preparation for surgery.  We decided to go with Sky Ridge Hospital
since we couldn't try for a natural birth anyways.  Sky Ridge is much nicer than St. Joe's.  

We showed up there at 5:30pm with all our bags and got all prepped for surgery.  The obstetrician/surgeon came in and introduced himself and spent a long time answering any of our
questions and concerns.  Daniel did a great job making sure the doctor
knew that we were hoping for a natural birth and asked that they do
everything possible to stay with that plan in the operating room.  He was very understanding of our original plan, and sympathetic that it had suddenly been drastically changed.  The
doctor used the ultrasound to confirm the breech position and was very
surprised to see that there was very little amniotic fluid because the
baby was taking up so much space in my uterus.  He had no idea how the
baby flipped.  With his size and how far along I was in the pregnancy, it's very unusual.  The baby was completely breech- he was actually sitting cross legged with his head up.  The doctor did allow us the option to
go back home and see if the baby turns back on his own.  We decided against that.  The chances that he could flip again were so low and we were tired of waiting.  Then he
checked the monitors and discovered that I was actually already in
labor having contractions about 5 minutes apart (I had noticed them, but
they weren't painful yet).  So we proceeded with the surgery.  The
anesthesiologist also came in and spent a good amount of time
explaining the procedure and answering all of our questions. This was the part I was most nervous about.  I've never been under any kind of anesthesia or had any surgery.  I was afraid the spinal would hurt.  I was also upset that Daniel couldn't be with me in the operating room until all of the prep was done and I was already numb from the chest down.  Daniel told me later that at this point- after I had left to prep for surgery and he was waiting to be allowed into the operating room- he started to freak out.  He text messaged his best friend to try to stay calm.  Daniel and I were very impressed with all of the doctors and nurses.  After
talking to everyone we felt good about the decision.  The surgery went
very smoothly despite Elijah's size.  The surgeon's assistant
explained to me later that I was very lucky to have such a great
surgeon because any other doctor would have needed to make a much
larger incision to get our baby out.  I could hear all the doctors and
nurses surprise at how big he was when they pulled him out.  All along our ob/gyn thought he was on the big side, as did the surgeon, but nobody knew that he would be almost 9 1/2 pounds!  As they pulled him out I heard his first cry and then I started crying immediately.  It was such an overwhelming feeling that there was actually a real live baby here that wasn't here a minute ago.  As they took him over to the warming bed, the first
thing I noticed was all his hair, and then that he didn't really look
like a tiny newborn.  He looked like he was 2 months old already!  Though the doctor had promised they would put the baby on me immediately, the pediatrician did not know that so Daniel spent the
first 10 minutes after Elijah's birth arguing with the pediatrician to
let me hold him skin-to-skin.  After less than 5 minutes on my chest they
took him away and Daniel went with him to the nursery.  I didn't see
him again until almost an hour later in the recovery room.  I think
there was a miscommunication because the surgeon did agree to let us
have that skin-to-skin contact, but the pediatrician didn't want to.
Daniel convinced them to wait to bathe him (though they did towel
him off and everything) and do all the other procedures so they could get to me as soon as possible and start breast feeding and skin to skin.  He didn't end up getting a bath until almost 24 hours later.  

In the post-op room Daniel and Elijah came and I got to hold him and feed him for the first time.  I don't remember much about that except that I was so happy we were all three finally back together and that the surgery was all over.  Daniel and Elijah left to go back to the nursery and my nurse finished up and wheeled me to my final recovery room.  On the way there I saw three of our friends standing at the window watching Daniel and Elijah in the nursery.  They saw me and followed the nurse to my recovery room.  A few minutes later Daniel and Elijah came in.  We stayed up way too late hanging out and celebrating.  I fed Elijah a few more times and fell asleep.

Overall I thought the experience was much better than I expected.  It
was not painful at all until 2 days later and all the doctors and nurses (except the
pediatrician) treated us with respect and compassion.  Elijah is perfectly healthy.
His glucose levels were monitored carefully for the first 12 hours
after birth because of his size (9 lbs 6.5 oz) and it was within
normal range every time.  Breastfeeding has also gone remarkably
smoothly until the last few days.  He latched on right away in the recovery room and nursed
well for the first 2 days.  On the third day he was circumcised and we went home.  
That seemed to make him so sleepy that he wasn't interested in nursing
for almost 24 hours.  I couldn't get him to latch on, he just cried hysterically every time I tried.  Thankfully we had a previously planned visit from the nurse/lactation consultant the next morning.  They discovered that he has lost almost 15% of his birth weight and was down to only 8 lb.  One more ounce and he would have been hospitalized.  She gave us a new plan for feeding and after one day he gained a whole ounce.  I am feeding him every 2 hours around the clock and then pumping after each feeding and giving that to him by syringe.  It takes about an hour to feed him and pump, so I spend one hour feeding him and the next hour off around the clock.  It's exhausting, but completely worth it to get Elijah back up to a healthy weight.  It is pretty scary that he went a whole day without eating and I feel like a horrible mom when I think about it.  He must have been so confused and hungry that whole day wondering why I wouldn't feed him.  :-(  But now we're back on track and he's doing really well.  

My recovery has also gone very well.  The nurses
were very surprised how quickly I was out of bed and walking around.
We were discharged after less than 48 hours in the hospital.  I feel
fantastic now- as long as I keep up with my pain medication.  I've already lost 14 pounds and I don't think I even look pregnant anymore.  I've gone for a few long walks through the neighborhood and I can get around the house and roll over in bed without much pain or discomfort.  I feel a million times better now than I did in my last month of pregnancy.  I haven't had even a touch of the baby blues.  I'm just so happy that I have this tiny baby in my arms and not in my belly.  Watching Daniel with him has been incredible.  He is such a natural Dad.  From the second Elijah was born, Daniel has been attentive and loving towards both of us.  He's so concerned with my health as well as the baby and spends every second of the day making sure both of our needs are met before his own.  My sister left yesterday and my Mom leaves tomorrow, so that'll be the first time it's just the three of us.  I'm a little nervous, but also excited.  I love our little family.  There are no two people I would rather be with than my boys :-)

39 weeks

I am 5 days away from my due date.  Every night I go to bed wondering if this could be the night that I go into labor.  And every morning I wake up disappointed.  I don't feel nearly as bad as I thought I would at this point.  I definitely have my moments.  Sunday I was feeling particularly impatient, probably because Daniel and I were both at home and had finished everything on our "to-do before the baby comes" list. But besides that I think I've been pretty patient.  Work keeps me busy and keeps my mind off of impending labor (for the most part).  But at the end of this week I am going on maternity leave whether the baby comes by then or not.  So I know next week will be much harder.  My mom arrives Friday morning, and my sister on Saturday.  I will be so glad to have them here.  However I'm really afraid they're going to sit around for a week with no baby.  And then as soon as they leave I will give birth and I'll be left on my own.  I'm really afraid that's a possibility because at this point I don't feel anything.  I don't know if I'm supposed to, since I've never given birth before, but I sort of feel like I should feel different at least a few days before I go into labor.  Or at least I should have long stretches of Braxton-Hicks contractions, or any of the million signs that labor is coming soon that I've read on one of the 50 or so baby/pregnancy blogs I regularly visit these days.  But I haven't had anything other than the occasional (sometimes pretty strong) contraction.  My energy is up for most of the day, but then goes down in the evening.  I have been extremely emotional the last few days.  A particular low was at my 39 week doctor's appointment when I almost started crying because the nurse casually mentioned that the baby looked high today.  Then after the appointment I did cry because on my way out another nurse said he looks "comfortable in there."  And everything looked completely normal.  Which is great!  But I guess I was hoping for something to tell me that labor was right around the corner.  Instead I got the same old strong heartbeat, good growth, any questions?  So we left the doctor and got in the car and I struggled to hold it together.  Thank goodness Daniel is so understanding.  He knew exactly why I was upset and didn't try to tell me I was being ridiculous or irrational.  But honestly, don't the nurses know better than to say things like that to a very hormonal 39-weeks-pregnant patient?  And it doesn't help that every day I show up at work everyone acts surprised to see me and asks how I'm feeling, any signs of labor, etc. etc.  I haven't even passed my due date yet people!  I'm so glad that the family hasn't started to call to ask if I'm in labor yet.  I did make it crystal clear that WE would call THEM when the time comes.  So maybe that's why.  For the most part, I feel the same as I did 4 weeks ago.  Except the fact that I could go into labor any time is always running in the back of my mind.  And each day it gets a little closer to the front of my mind.  I'm just so excited to meet Elijah and hold him in my arms!

37 weeks

I'm only 2 and a half weeks away from my due date!  The last couple months have been so busy, probably because it's summer and because I spend every free minute I can resting.  At this point I have all kinds of aches and pains for most of the day.  My pelvis actually hurts a lot of the time now.  About a week or 2 ago I thought I felt him "drop," and then a couple days ago when I woke up I felt something kind of pop under my diaphragm and then I was sure he dropped.  I've felt a new kind of pressure in my pelvis and I can even feel Elijah kicking my hip bones sometimes.  I've gotten a lot better at figuring out what body parts are where.  During week 33 during an afternoon nap I very distinctly felt him flip over and he's been head down ever since.  That was such a relief because with his head tucked under my ribcage I was so uncomfortable all the time.  Most of the time I'm so ready for him to be born, and then once in a while I kind of panic at the thought of having a baby pretty much anytime now.  The last few weeks have felt remarkably similar to the first trimester.  Many mornings I wake up and I have to talk myself out of bed and just take it one day at a time.  I also haven't had much of an appetite lately, and I'm sleeping and peeing even more than before.  And my emotions are all crazy again.  In the middle of the pregnancy I seemed to mellow out with the mood swings, but now they're back and worse than before.  But everything is easier when you know it will all be over in a few weeks and you can hold your baby.  The best part of the whole pregnancy has been our childbirth class.  I feel a million times more prepared now than I did before.  Each class I leave feeling more confident than before.  Breastfeeding was definitely my biggest concern for the past few months, and once we covered that last week I felt even better.  A couple weeks ago we got to hear the birth story of another couple who took the class before us.  Their little boy was just 4 weeks old and Daniel could not take his eyes off him for the entire class.  It gave me just a tiny glimpse of how crazy in love he is going to be when Elijah is born.   So for now, my strategy is to plan on him being a couple weeks late.  If I tell myself I have another 4 weeks to go, I won't go crazy looking for signs of labor.  But that gets harder as each day passes.  And it doesn't help that everyone says "any day now!"  It seems like everyone else is convinced he'll come very soon.  So far I've been pretty patient, and I'm very grateful for that.  I have friends who were going insane by this point and many of them were electively induced on or before their due date.  I'm determined not to get induced.  I know this baby will come when he's ready, and if we induce we may end up with health problems that could have been avoided by waiting.  The last thing I want is to go home with my baby in the NICU.  That would be absolutely heartbreaking.  We had an appointment this morning and learned that 1) I'm not dilated at all (no surprise there), 2) He's probably going to be on the big side (again, no surprise), 3) He's dropped way down in my pelvis, and 4) we still have no idea if I'll go into labor tonight or 4 weeks from now.  Oh, and he is still healthy and perfect as far as we can tell.  What a relief.  Very often throughout the pregnancy I have thanked God that everything has gone so smoothly.  I read blogs of other women who have so many complications, and it sounds so scary.  Not once have we had one little tiny concern.  We didn't even have to wait to get pregnant in the first place.  So now it's just a waiting game.  I'm planning to keep working until I give birth.  It's exhausting and sometimes painful by the end of the day, but I'm thankful to have something to keep me busy.  I think I might go crazy if I had to sit at home and just wait to go into labor.  But it would be great if he came just a little early, so I don't have to work for another 2 1/2 weeks :-)

30 weeks

I am finishing up my 30th week of pregnancy and I'm pretty miserable most of the time.  I can't sleep well anymore, so I'm always tired.  Elijah has figured out how to wedge his tiny feet into my ribs which is uncomfortable, and at times painful.  I can't bend over anymore.  I have a large appetite, but a small stomach.  We have had record temperatures of up to 105 for almost a week now, and our air conditioning at home just can't keep up.  I can feel my pelvis separating which is also quite painful.

Despite all of my complaining, I am still so thankful that I have a healthy baby.  The pregnancy has gone perfect so far.  I have not had one little complication.  Our little Elijah is now about 3 pounds and I have gained over 15 pounds.  Our childbirth classes have been amazing.  Despite all the blog-reading and research I've done, I still learn so much at each class.  After our class on diet and exercise I began a daily regimen of simple exercises to prepare for labor.  It helps me to know that there's something I can do now to hopefully make labor a little easier.  Last night we learned positions for pushing, so we will now be practicing those as well.  I love having that time to spend with Daniel.  It feels like we're bonding with Elijah as a family, even though he's not born yet.  Daniel has been absolutely amazing.  At the classes he asks a ton of questions and takes notes.  He takes the relaxation and labor exercises very seriously.  He encourages me with my daily exercise and takes walks with me (when we can stand the heat).  My favorite thing is when he wakes up early in the morning and rolls over and puts his hand on my belly.  Often he tells me later in the day that he felt Elijah moving.  It's hard for him to believe that I can sleep through it.  But I tell him that if I couldn't sleep through it then I would never sleep!

Our little boy is very active now.  I can distinguish many different types of movement.  Sometimes I can feel a pointy body part (an elbow or knee) scrape across my belly.  Other times it's more of a wave, which is probably his head.  I can also feel his hiccups which I find really annoying.  And of course I feel kicks.  Sometimes they're little kicks, and sometimes they're really big kicks that make me feel like my whole body moves.  And I have also started to feel Braxton-Hicks contractions.  They aren't painful at all, but they are uncomfortable.  It just feels like intense pressure that makes my whole abdomen as stiff as a board.  It's hard to breathe or eat when that happens.  But I try to relax and wait for it to pass.

We have just 8 or 10 weeks left until we get to meet Elijah.  I am so excited I can hardly wait!  And after our childbirth classes I feel more prepared than ever to give birth naturally.  I want desperately to avoid a c-section, but I'm still a little bit open to an epidural (though I'm still hoping to avoid it).  My biggest concern right now is successful breastfeeding. I have read so many places that it can be very challenging, so I want to give us every advantage to get it right.  I am absolutely determined to give it everything I've got.  Our goal is exclusive breast milk for 6 months.  I'm also hoping to exclusively nurse him for the first 4 weeks, and then introduce bottles after that.

Working is getting harder as I get more uncomfortable.  I find myself spending more time sitting at my desk and avoiding more active chores.  Luckily most of my co-workers are supportive and understanding (some- or one in particular- is not).  I get lots of comments from strangers walking to and from my desk each morning and evening.  Almost every day someone will ask me if I'm due any day now.  That's a bit depressing since I have 2 more months to go.  I must look huge!  But I also know that some people are just ignorant and don't know what 9 months pregnant looks like.  They will in a few months!  I know it'll fly by and then I'll be holding little Elijah in my arms :-)

Buying a House

Finally, after MONTHS of emails, phone calls, and paperwork we are closing on our home!  Tomorrow morning at 8am we will sign the papers and Daniel and I will officially be homeowners.  I thought it would be 10 or 15 years before we would be able to afford our own home.  But thanks to Daniel's incredibly generous parents, at 23 years old we will own our home.  And the best part of the whole thing is that it is costing us much less than we thought.  We set aside about $5000 when we began the whole process to pay for closing costs.  We found out today that it will cost us $132.  So that's $4968 we can put into savings that we weren't counting on.  Which is extremely helpful considering we just spent $4000 on a down payment for our new car.  Once again, our penny-pinching ways are paying off.  

After we sign the papers tomorrow morning we will drive to DU where Daniel will be given his academic hood.  He finished his Master's degree!  I am so incredibly proud of him.  Eight years ago when he struggled to pass freshman English and Earth Science, I would have never guessed that he would be the first of all our siblings to get his master's degree.  And I would have never guessed that he would complete college with excellent grades- nearly straight A's.  It gives me such confidence that he will be able to support me and our family for the rest of our lives.  

Starting next week, for the first time in our memorable lives, neither of us will be in school.  I wonder how it will feel.  Tomorrow evening is the official commencement ceremony where he will walk across the stage in cap and gown, and this time- his hood too.  Last year at our undergraduate ceremony I remember thinking ahead to this year and picturing Daniel with a hood on his gown.  I definitely did not expect that I would be in the audience 6 months pregnant.  But that's what's so much fun about life- it's unpredictable!

So, in the month of May (plus the first week of June) we did the following: bought a house, bought a car, finished a Master's degree, entered the third trimester of our first pregnancy, and gained a future sister-in-law.  Quite a month!  I'm so excited to see what June, July, and August bring!  And of course, September when our little Elijah will make his way into the world.

Memorial Day Weekend

We bought a car.  There were many reasons we were ready to get a new car, but the biggest reason is that the right one became available at the right time.  We also wanted something with more storage space for traveling to Phoenix, skiing, and baby stuff.  And neither of our cars drive in the snow really well, so it would be great to have something a little safer to drive up to the mountains in the winter.  Daniel's car was also developing a few little problems and we were concerned that its life was somewhat limited.  We didn't want to wait for it to die before we got a replacement car.  So we've been talking about it for months.  We have researched different kinds of cars, consulted consumer reports and USAA to find out accurate pricing information, and reviewed our own finances to determine what we can afford.  All that was left was actually going out and test-driving cars.  Since we both had a long weekend for Memorial Day, we thought Monday might be a good day to go to the dealership.  We weren't planning on purchasing anything- until we came across the perfect car.  A 2006 Hybrid Toyota Highlander.  It was just under budget and had every feature I wanted- cloth interior (not leather), moon roof, and roof rack.  The Highlander was on the top of our list of possibilities.  We really wanted a hybrid, but there aren't many used hybrids out there and a new one was way out of our budget.  On Monday morning we browsed the local dealerships and found a hybrid that looked very promising.  It had become available 2 days ago at a dealer about 15 minutes from our house, so we jumped on it.  We test drove 2 of their standard Highlanders first.  We loved the newer model (08) and hated the older model (05).  So I was concerned that we wouldn't like the hybrid because it was the older model.  But it drove completely different.  It's not like my Mom's Prius either.  There's no lag in the acceleration at all.  You can't even tell it's a hybrid when you're driving it.  The whole experience was very pleasant.  It was an easy decision, and turned out to be very affordable for us.  It was hard for me to justify going from no car payment (we owned both our cars outright since they were both gifts to us) to making payments when both our cars are still running just fine.  But the truth is that an SUV will be much more useful and practical for our growing family.  And why else do we save up money, but to spend it when the time comes?  It felt good to know that all that money we have saved in the last 6 months was worth it.

This weekend we also went camping.  I may have overestimated my abilities at 6 months pregnant, but it was still fun.  We got a bunch of camping supplies for Christmas 2 years ago and haven't even used it once.  I've been waiting for it to get warm enough and this weekend was our chance.  Daniel got off work early on Saturday and we drove down to Colorado Springs.  I reserved us a campsite in Cheyenne Mountain State Park.  It was a beautiful park, but we were somewhat disappointed to find that our campsite was right next to the bathroom and parking lot.  It wasn't exactly out in the wilderness, but it was still camping.  Daniel cooked us a delicious dinner over the campfire.  He is a very experienced camper (all those years of boy scouts) so that helped a lot.  But it was just exhausting for me to do everything.  Setting up the tent, unpacking the car, setting up the sleeping bags, even taking a walk around the campground.  And sleeping just didn't happen.  The air mattress didn't give me enough cushioning so whichever side I laid on became numb immediately and I just couldn't get comfortable.  Combine that with getting up to go to the bathroom about 8 times and I had a sleepless night.  And the wind blew so hard all night that I was afraid our tent would blow away with us in it!  So the next morning, after cooking a delicious breakfast, we packed up and went home.  And immediately took a shower and got into bed for a long afternoon nap.  My bed never felt so comfy :-)  The important thing is that I got to have Daniel's undivided attention for nearly 3 whole days.  I loved it.

This morning I had a doctor's appointment and my nurse seemed a bit concerned that I was measuring so large.  I've gained 15 pounds total so far, and 7 of them were in the last 3 weeks!  He's measuring big for gestational age for now, but that could change.  She's just going to watch and we'll see what happens.  She also said he's head down now, but that can change too.  Overall, the pregnancy is still going perfectly!  Looks like I have a healthy baby boy.