Struggle and Acceptance

The past month has been really hard.  There were many days when I thought "oh, this is what people were talking about when they said having a baby is hard."  The first 3 months of Elijah's life were pretty easy.  Even after going back to work, I felt like we had a system that worked for us.  I was getting plenty of sleep, I felt confident in my skills as a mother, and Elijah was healthy and happy.  But since our trip to Phoenix for Thanksgiving, I have been seriously struggling.  I don't think it was the trip itself that did it.  I think it was the stress of the trip, combined with some breastfeeding issues that popped up right around that time, being told by our pediatrician that his slow weight gain is a problem, many illnesses hitting our family at the same time, and Elijah hitting the 3 month milestone where he is becoming more awake, active, and demanding.  Mostly, though, it's been the breastfeeding.  All of a sudden, he didn't want to nurse anymore.  He much prefers the bottle- it's easier and faster.  Waiting for my milk to let down, and sucking to get it all out just wasn't working for him anymore.  He would suck a few times, and then when the milk didn't come immediately, he would scream until I gave up and fed him a bottle.  We were both very upset every single time I fed him.  It made me angry and resentful that I have to work, so he gets bottles, and now he prefers them.  It also made me angry that all the books have these rules about breastfeeding that are nearly impossible for someone who works outside the home to follow.  There were days when I thought we were done breastfeeding for good.  But of course the old rule about breastfeeding proved to be true.  Everything is temporary.  I persisted and eventually was able to get him to breastfeed.  Sometimes without any fussiness at all.  Last weekend he didn't get one bottle and I was so thrilled.  On Saturday morning I sat in our rocking chair in his nursery with him happily eating, and it was one of the happiest moments in the last few months.  I love nursing him, and I wasn't ready to give it up yet.  But then a problem that was much worse came up: low supply.  Since we got back from Phoenix I have been unable to pump enough milk to send to day care.  Every single day they have had to thaw at least one of my frozen bags.  And now we are getting perilously low.  At this rate, my freezer stash will be gone in another week or two.  I've added an extra pumping session in at work to try to increase my supply.  So far I haven't seen an improvement.  In fact it seems to be getting worse.  I have ended up feeding him the milk that I pumped while at work in the evening because he's still hungry.  Which leads us to another problem- sleep.  His sleeping has deteriorated drastically.  He is now up 2 or 3 times a night sometimes and it has been a struggle to get him back to sleep every time.  I nurse him until it seems like he is asleep.  Then as soon as I try to put him down he wakes up and ends up screaming.  We have been up for over an hour some nights trying to get him back to sleep.  I think it is tied to feeding issues.  Before he was getting enough milk during the day that he could sleep all night.  Now my supply has dropped and he has to eat at night to make up for the lost calories during the day.  I am so sleep deprived I am desperate for bed by 8:00 at night.  And even then it's not enough.  I think I was almost starving Elijah because I was trying to hang onto the milk in the fridge to send to day care.  But now I've realized I have to feed him as much as he wants or else I will be up all night making up for it.  

All of these issues have made for a very stressful and anxious few weeks.  Every day has become a struggle to make sure he is fed, breastfeeding, sleeping, gaining weight, not spitting up, etc.  When I fight with him to breastfeed, and fight with him to go to sleep, there isn't much time left to just play.  So about a week ago I decided that I had to change something.  I gave up trying to conserve my milk.  I tried some new tactics to get him to breastfeed that have worked miracles- he is back nursing happily.  And it has made a difference.  He is sleeping a little bit better.  About once a week he will sleep through the night completely.  We have at least an hour of happy play time each evening and that's usually enough to remind me how much I love Elijah and that this is all worth it.  But the rest is just really hard.  In the last few days I have begun to accept the fact that I will have to feed him formula.  I can't supply enough milk for another 3 months until he starts solid foods. And as I have begun to accept that, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  There are moments when all this worrying seems so ridiculous.  He is happy and healthy.  Even though I don't get enough sleep and every minute of my day is consumed by chores and obligations, Elijah is happy and healthy and that's all that is important. Formula is not poison- it is perfectly good food.  And Elijah has already gotten over 3 months of breast milk.  I have done everything possible to give him what I believe is best for him.  I know that I have never tried harder at anything in my life.  That makes me proud and allows me to give myself permission to let it go.  Daniel agrees.  He believes that my mental health is suffering and that the benefit of continuing to struggle with breastfeeding doesn't outweigh the cost of my well-being.  I think I'm making him miserable with my worrying and anxiety and pressure I put on myself.  So I have made a decision to let it all go.  Everyone's happiness depends on my ability to calm down and regain my confidence as a mother.  I'm well on my way there.