The last few weeks I have felt like I just cannot get enough sleep. I know that every parent of a young child complains of sleep deprivation, but Elijah sleeps so well that there isn't any reason I should be tired. Yet almost every day at work I get that post-lunch drowsiness and I find it so difficult to stay awake. The problem is that around bedtime, I don't feel drowsy. Since Elijah was born I have been able to go to bed between 8 and 9pm, and as his sleep has gotten better even close to 9:30 or 10pm. But since daylight savings time I am just not tired until 10pm or even later. This is a serious problem when my alarm goes off at 6am and I am desperate for another few minutes of sleep. I literally lay in bed and try to come up with any scenario that allows me to stay in bed longer. Sometimes I can convince Daniel to go into work late and I'll get maybe another 30 minutes. But it is just never enough. For the past week I have been determined to go to bed earlier, but it just never happens. Even on nights when I have nothing planned, no chores on my to-do list, and no errands to run, I still somehow find myself up until 10pm. Daniel thinks that 10pm-6am should be enough sleep. And I agree. But I'm not getting solid sleep from 10pm-6am. It's interrupted, usually once a night, but sometimes more. And when my sleep is interrupted it's not a matter of just subtracting the time that I was awake in the middle of the night. I think it really impacts the quality of my sleep negatively. I also find it very difficult to go back to sleep. Sometimes I am on edge, thinking that Eljiah is going to wake back up and start crying again. Other times I am so awake that it takes me a long time to get drowsy again and go back to sleep. Ever since Elijah was born I have had this problem. I am so worried about the amount of sleep I'm getting and how tired I am going to be the next day, that it causes me to lose more sleep. It's a constant negative feedback loop. I don't know how to get out of it. Daniel thinks that I need to see a doctor and make sure everything is biologically normal. I know that if your thyroid hormone levels are off that can cause you to feel tired. I really don't think that's the issue, but I guess it's worth making an appointment. I'm just so sick of feeling tired all the time. It's gotten so bad that Daniel has been taking all of Elijah's night wake-ups just to help me to feel more rested in the morning. He's also taken on a lot of the morning chores so that I can sleep in as late as possible. I appreciate all of that so much, but it's just not enough.
Part of me wonders if it's related to breastfeeding. I have to pump as late as possible before I go to bed, and then first thing when I wake up. If I pump too soon before bed then I get so full of milk it wakes me up. And I'm so uncomfortable by morning that I have to pump. I'm usually going about 8 1/2 or 9 hours at the most without pumping right now. So that's the longest I can sleep at a time as well- even on the weekends. And it takes me a full 30 minutes to pump each morning because I have so much milk. I could sleep in 30 minutes later every single morning if I didn't have to pump. I'm wondering if I went back to getting up in the middle of the night to pump, if I could go to bed earlier. Then I could go to bed as soon as I feel tired. Right now I usually feel tired, then I have to pump, then put the milk in the fridge and clean the plastic parts, and then I can go to bed. That takes about 30 minutes. And I inevitably find something else that needs to be done- empty the dishwasher, fold the laundry, and it goes on. If breastfeeding is the reason for my exhaustion all the time, then I'm just going to have to tough it out. I can do it for 5 more months until Elijah turns 1. And then as soon as we are done weaning, I will sleep for 14 hours straight! It will be a wonderful night.
I'm writing about this today because last night was a particularly bad night. Elijah just couldn't settle down and go to sleep. It seemed like he was asleep, but then by the time I got back into bed I could hear him whining again. I looked on the video monitor and watched him practice crawling in his crib! In the middle of the night! It looked almost like he was doing it in his sleep and then waking himself up. It was the strangest thing. Almost creepy to watch in the middle of the night like that. After Daniel and I collectively spent about 2 hours trying to get him back to sleep, Daniel finally took him into the guest room and laid down with him. That seemed to do the trick and together they slept there from 1am-6am. But when Daniel got up to shower, he put Elijah back in the crib. And sure enough, he woke up screaming. I'm sure he didn't get enough sleep last night. I woke up this morning literally feeling like I was up all night. I was so grumpy and frustrated. But then, when we arrived at Elijah's school, I opened the backseat and Elijah was staring right at me with the biggest smile on his face. Right then, my grumpiness disappeared. It's pretty amazing how he does that. When I dropped him off I got to watch him interact with one of the drop-in babies. It was the first time I saw him interacting with another kid in his class. She was 9 months old and crawling, and Elijah reached for her every time she passed close to him. He reached for her hair and her little ponytail. His eyes were locked on her for a long time, and he started wiggling with excitement when she got close. It was really fun to watch. It turned my whole mood around. I just love him so much.
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