First, I am depressed about my grades. I did not do as well in biology as I expect from myself. Now I am so so nervous for my chemistry exam. I feel like this one exam determines my grade for the whole quarter. I really want to do well. After not doing so well in biology, I feel like I'm lazy and dumb and I can't get good grades no matter what. It's a terrible feeling.
Second, I am depressed about my body. Daniel and I went bathing suit shopping today. I have had a "tankini" for a few years now, and Daniel said he would really like me to get a bikini. And I thought it's time to get a new one after about 3 years, so we went to the mall. The first one I tried on I felt like a big fat cow. Mostly it's my stomach and hips that just look huge to me. I know in my head that I'm really not that fat, but in a swimsuit I think everyone looks fat. I bought it anyways. Daniel told me I looked beautiful. I trust his opinion more than mine anyways. I know that I'm more critical of myself than anyone else is and I need to just avoid looking in the mirror when I'm wearing a bikini. It's not good for my self-esteem.
Third, I am depressed about money. It's absolutely ridiculous because I have lots of money. We're going on a trip to Europe this summer and we've saved up almost $6000 for that! Despite all that, I still feel poor. We went to bed bath & beyond and Macy's and some other home stores and everything was too expensive. We have to just take what we can get from family and make it work. I know this sounds so ungrateful, but I can't help wishing that we could buy everything that matches and make it look beautiful like a magazine. I really hope that once we get everything in the house we can figure out how to tie things together and still have it look nice. I think we can. Once again, my brain and emotions don't agree.
I sound like a spoiled brat. And I know it. I could get much worse grades, be much fatter, and be much poorer. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? But then again, if I'm happy with what I have, I won't have any motivation to get better. To work harder and get better grades, to eat right and exercise to stay in shape, and to do well in school so I can get a good job and make more money. I just wish I could be patient enough to let it all happen in time and be grateful for what I have right now. It's yet another thing for me to work on. Patience and Thankfulness. I'm trying.
2 comments:
dude you are crazy!! you are a size 2!!! i am way "fatter" then you and wear a bikini, dont worry about how you think you look, just build up some self esteem and work it.
PS you better buy me something nice from Europe since you are rollin in the dough
I understand about the matching furniture and all. Just think though, once you graduate and get your awesome job you are going to be able to buy whatever furniture you want! Plus think about how much you and Daniel saved over the year, do that again next year and you can buy some really awesome stuff then!
p.s. I agree with Beth about your 'fatness' lol. See you in like 2 days!
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