Why I Love Daniel

Today I was being a stupid girl and talking about how I want to lose weight before I go wedding dress shopping. Daniel told me that I don't need to lose weight. And I thought "of course he's going to say that- but he doesn't mean it." But then he went on to say that normal people have a little extra fat. They're supposed to. That's the way our bodies are. And that he wants me to have a little extra weight for the next time we're stranded on a desert island. Or when I am carrying our baby in my tummy.

And that's why I love him.

Roommates

Yesterday, Hope and Eric told us that they are moving out in August. We already knew Hope was leaving for the summer. She got accepted to a theater summer program in San Fransisco. So we have already begun looking for someone to live there just for June- August. Now we have to find new roommates for next school year. I never had the expectation that they would definitely live there senior year too, but I thought it was likely. Daniel, however, did have an expectation that they would stay.

Yesterday Daniel and I were downstairs and Hope and Eric were in the kitchen. This is very unusual. Sunday is the only day that all of us are every home, and even then it's rare that we hang out together. And when Eric is home he is almost always in his room- so for the two of them to be hanging out in the kitchen was kind of weird. Daniel and I went upstairs to get something to eat, and we all were hanging out snacking. Then Hope asked if she could talk to Daniel about something, and he said yes. And she told him that it's really hard for her driving back and forth because the house is so far from campus and she can't keep paying for gas, etc. etc. So she decided to find a place to live that's closer to campus. And then Eric chimed in with a simple, "yeah, that goes for me too." And that the two of them are moving someplace together. Which is kind of weird, because they didn't even know each other before they found out that they were both moving into the house with us. It was pretty much a complete blind side for both of us. Hope said she was so sorry and she felt terrible and everything. But I assured Hope that we didn't take it personally. I successfully changed the subject and we kind of forgot about it until we went to bed. Then Daniel confessed that he was really upset.

He said he felt ambushed. Like they had talked behind our backs. They decided together that they were moving out, and together to move in someplace together. Just to be clear, there's no romantic involvement there- just friends. I am trying very very hard to not take it personally, like I said. But it's hard. We have tried so hard to make it a lovely place to live. We clean the whole house and do all of the yard work. The only thing they are responsible for is their bathroom. We pay for paper towels, cleaning supplies, light bulbs, any repairs, milk, butter, eggs, and a ton of other stuff. We kind of feel like we've made it pretty easy on them. Daniel is completely devastated about it. He is convinced that they're not telling the truth- it's not about driving back and forth, and gas money. He thinks that they don't like living with us. They have never said anything like that, but of course that doesn't mean it's not true. It's very hard for Daniel in situations like this because he gets very emotional. Where I think through things logically, he feels things emotionally. It must be very hard to live like that- and very painful. Eric was his absolute best friend freshman year. They did everything together. But living together hasn't been what Daniel expected. Eric spends a lot of time in his room. He is really introverted, which I understand. In high school and the beginning of college, that's how I was too. So I try to tell Daniel all the time that maybe his expectations were too high- living with your best friend isn't a big constant party. I think the worst part about it, is that I'm afraid we are going to lose our friendships. That is always a risk when you live with your best friend. But the reason I'm afraid of losing Hope, is that I don't think I will ever see her if we don't live together. She spends 8am-9pm every day in class and in theater stuff. It will be very hard to keep up with each other if we live apart.

I think that both Eric and Hope really changed when they went to London. When they came back, all they wanted to talk about was London, and they only wanted to hang out with their London friends. We thought that would fade out as time went on, but it didn't. Eric even convinced two or three of the fraternity brothers to invite London people to formal so that his girlfriend would know people there. And we know exactly what will happen- all the London people will hang out together and won't hang out with the rest of us. Whenever the London people come over to the house, they ignore me and Daniel. Last time, I really tried to be part of the conversation, but they just weren't interested in including me. I'm not a part of that group, and I never will be. I'm trying to be an adult about it, and just let it go. But it sucks to feel rejected. I know that London isn't the whole problem, but it feels like a big part of it.

So now we have to find two new roommates for next year. That is such a huge stress on top of finals and everything, I just can't deal with it right now. And really it's not my responsibility. I'm just another renter. Daniel and I wish so badly that we didn't have to have roommates. This experience was not what we had hoped. I think that we are both afraid of this happening again. It's really hard to find someone that you get along with well enough to live together. And most everybody has already found a place to live for next year, so we're probably just going to have to put up an ad and see who responds. We will check with Paul and see if he wants to move back in, because he was really a great roommate. But we don't know when his lease is up or anything.

I'm trying to tell Daniel that he doesn't know that they are lying. He doesn't know that it isn't the gas money, or the driving back and forth. That could really be the issue. And just because Eric doesn't want to live with us, doesn't mean he doesn't want to be our friend. Those are two different things. His mom told us to think of this as an opportunity to find roommates that we are more compatible with. I think that's a great way to look at it. So we're going to try. We'll get through this. It's all part of learning and growing.

Stress and Fun

My stress level has been very high the past week, and it's finally starting to come down. I got my anatomy and chemistry mid-term grades, and they weren't as high as I had hoped. I did just about average in chemistry. I got the vast majority of the test completely right, but got 0 points on two questions, so that brought my grade down a lot. Regardless of the grade, I feel that I showed that I really did know what was going on and understand the material- so that makes me proud of myself. In anatomy apparently I didn't know the material as well as I thought I did, but there's still time to make that up. In two weeks is our last practical over all the muscles, and then the next week is finals week. This weekend I finished up a big lab report that I've been putting off, and I feel pretty good about it. I also got half of my nutrition paper done that's due on Wednesday. So over all, I got a lot done this weekend and that makes me feel a little more relaxed.

To try to get through these last few weeks in one piece, I've decided to let up on the wedding planning. Making all those big decisions (well, they felt like big decisions to me) were adding to my stress, and let's face it- right now the wedding is just not as important as school. We have all summer to plan. So for now, I have told Daniel that I cannot spend any more time and energy on the wedding. He completely agrees. Daniel is very good at reducing my stress. He does anything he possibly can to make my life easier. For example, this weekend he did all of my usual house-cleaning chores. And he did all of it before I even got out of bed on Saturday morning! :-) That was a huge relief in itself. I felt like I could get up and focus on school instead of cleaning the house. He is the best. On Friday, I was sort of having a mini-meltdown. I really didn't want to go to work because I felt like I should be studying and doing homework. I couldn't concentrate on anything but how I should be studying. Daniel told me to take a deep breath, calm down, and focus on what I'm doing- everything else can wait. I did what he said and of course it all worked out. I ended up doing a Bio-Plex at work, which has intermittent 30 minute incubation periods where I have nothing to do. So I pulled out my anatomy textbook, and got some studying in then. That made me feel so much better. I also told the people I work with that these next few weeks will be very busy for me, so they agreed to give me easy stuff at work so I could concentrate on school.

I did get some leisure time this weekend. Usually fun stuff makes me even more stressed at times like this, but I think it helped this weekend. On Saturday Daniel and I went shopping. I haven't bought myself some new clothes in a very long time. Every time I've gone to the mall in the past year, I feel like everything is so expensive! So I gave myself permission to spend lots of money today- I've earned it. I have never gone to The Limited before, but I really like their clothes. And because I bought so much at once, I opened a credit card and got 25% off, plus I got a student discount of 15%. They have a permanent student discount of 15%! I also earned 2 $25 off of $50 next time I go. I think it's a good idea to wait a long time, and spend all at once. I ended up getting 5 tops for 40% off! That made me very happy.

Last night Daniel took me to a Greek Life barbecue. Delta Zeta was putting it on to kick off their philanthropy on Monday night. They paid DUGS (DU Grilling Society) to grill hamburgers, hot dogs, salmon burgers, and pineapple. They always make the most delicious food. Then we walked to the music school and saw Shakespeare's Measure for Measure. Quite a few of our friends were involved- mostly behind the scenes. Hope was the dramaturgist, which means she does research about the play to help the actors understand the background of it. She also wrote the production notes in the program and led a talk back at the end. We got to ask questions and the actors, set designer, costume designer, lighting designer, etc. answered. I was so impressed! Shakespeare is so difficult to read out loud, let alone memorize and act out on stage. They did an incredible job. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to understand anything, but I followed it pretty well. After the play, we took the light rail downtown and met some of our friends at a bar called The Front Porch. Every day they have a new list of 3 first names, and anyone with that name gets free drinks. That night happened to be James night, so he got us all free drinks. Then we walked a few blocks to Sing Sing which is a very popular bar with DU students, and all of Denver really. There are two pianos on stage, and people pay to hear their favorite songs. The guys on stage make people come up and do crazy stuff. There were lots of birthdays and bachelorette parties, and bachelor parties. And we saw a lot of DU people there too. I think that's the first time that Daniel and I have gone out to a bar. We're definitely going again tough- it was lots of fun.

PA School

I did some research today on PA schools in Arizona. And now I feel like I'm about to hyperventilate. How in the world am I going to get through this? I have asked my advisor and he feels terrible about it, but there is nobody at DU that can advise me on how to prepare for PA school. There are plenty of advisers for medical school! I am completely on my own with this, and I'm freaking out.

There are two PA programs in Denver (Red Rocks Community College and University of Colorado Denver) and two in Arizona (Arizona School of Health Sciences and Midwestern University). ASHS is in Mesa, and Midwestern is in Glendale. I have already done a ton of research on the programs in Denver, but recently I have thought about going to PA school in Phoenix. My adviser told me about those 2 programs, so I did some research today on them. There's nothing different about ASHS and Midwestern from the Denver schools, but just thinking about applying gets me really nervous. And for good reason: ASHS received over 2000 applications last year, and accepted only 70!! My grades are okay, but not that good. How can I compete? The average age of students in pretty much every program is 26. I will be 23 with my current plan. Tuition is about $30,000 to $35,000. My parents have told me that I'm on my own for graduate school. Students are highly discouraged from working at all while they're in school, so I have no idea how I will pay tuition, let alone support myself. I guess that leaves Daniel to support me :-) Maybe I should put this off a few more years. But I don't want to! I want to be DONE with school!! Why does it never ever end?? After spending as much money on school as my (very generous) grandparents have already, why do I still feel like I need to spend another 2 years just to get a job that will support my family? This is freaking ridiculous. After graduating from a very good university, I should be able to get a fantastic job that earns me plenty of money. But that's not really the issue, is it? I want to be a Physician's assistant. I want to treat patients. Is it worth it? I think so. I hope so.

Past, Present, and Future

I have this terrible habit of wanting to be in any time but the present. I am nostalgic about high school, even though at the time all I wanted was to be done with it. And at the same time, I am super excited about the future. I am always in such a hurry for now to be over, and to get on with whatever's next. I wonder if that's part of being a "young adult" or if I will always feel this way.

I have to remember how lucky I am to be in the position I am. I know lots and lots of friends that never got to experience college life. They never got to move into a dorm, go to sports events to cheer on their team, go to a fraternity formal, experience an internship, get involved with campus life, and prepare for graduation. I love feeling like an essential part of this community. I belong to this awesome "club" of being a college student- where my life centers around classes, tests, and the occasional drinking at parties on the weekends ;-). I am at a point at which I have an infinite number of paths I can take towards my future, and I get to pick virtually any one I want! I get to choose what the rest of my life will be like right now. I have these few years where I get to be an adult in the sense that I make my own decisions, and I don't really have anyone to tell me what to do. But at the same time, I don't have all the responsibilities of paying bills and all that stuff. It's such a unique experience that a tiny fraction of people in this world gets, and I should be taking full advantage of it.

The problem is that I want the responsibility of paying bills. I'm tired of attending class and taking tests- I want to apply all this learning. And I'm kind of annoyed with my peers. Very few of my classmates are at a point where they are ready to get married and start a family. I don't know any of my peers who are faced with decisions right now like whether to move back near our parents, or stay here, or move somewhere else entirely. Our friends see us as sort of an anomaly and tease us quite often for being "an old married couple." They don't understand what it's like to be in a committed relationship. I can't think of one of my friends that's dating someone right now that they've been with for more than 9 months! The vast majority of my friends are single, and frankly I'm sick of hearing about who is interested in who, and how can I get this guy to like me, blah blah blah. I'm even more sick of hearing about these people who "hooked up" over the weekend, but they didn't really mean it and now they're worried that the other person is serious about the relationship...... give me a break! How could you "hook up" with someone and NOT think it's serious? I have kissed one person in my entire life, and we were dating for over 6 months before that happened (granted, we were 14 years old). I feel like I am so over college life. I'm ready to get on with the next chapter. It was fun (really fun) for a while, but I'm ready to begin my real life.

Funny, I remember feeling this about 4 years ago- right about when I was finishing high school :-)

More Gardening

Today we did another round of planting. I really REALLY hope this is the last time. I mean, besides our vegetables. We planted those indoors for the first few weeks, so we still have to move them out to our backyard garden. We have these horribly ugly window wells in our bedroom because it's in the basement. The view out the window is a wall of silver metal. Yuck. The first time we looked at the house, we said we were going to have to do something to make them look nicer. Well, it's taken this long (over a year) to actually do something. And I know it will be a really long time before they actually look really nice. But I'm glad we did it. We planted some ground cover called sweet woodruff. It gets flowers in the late spring and summer and eventually it will cover the whole bottom of the window well. And we planted a shrub called boxwood. It's an evergreen, so even in the winter it will be pretty. Living in a house is so much work. The yard is probably more work than the house! But it's very rewarding too. It feels so good to invest time and energy into something that brings you happiness- flowers and vegetables. Gardening is good therapy for me too. Patience has always been something that I have to work very hard at, and what requires more patience than growing plants?

I am really looking forward to the summer. This last week there have been tons of graduations, and people are taking finals and finishing up school. Unfortunately the quarter system means we are in class much later than everyone, but summer is just around the corner. In 3 weeks I'll be taking finals, and then hopefully Daniel and I will spend a week in Phoenix before getting into our summer routine. For me, that means working full time at National Jewish. For Daniel, we're still not sure. Hopefully a full-time job for him too ;-)

I met with my academic adviser this week and it looks like I'm in for a very tough senior year. Because I transfered to DU, I basically have to complete my degree in 3 years instead of 4. Senior year is where the squeeze comes in. Fall quarter won't be too bad, but winter will be very hard. There are 3 upper division science classes I must take, and one of them I have to get special permission to take without the prerequisite because I'm taking that in the spring. That same class I have to get permission for is taught by the professor I'm taking right now- the very scary and strict one. All three classes have labs and together they are only 9 credits. Which means I have to take a fourth class just to stay full-time even though those three classes will be a handful by themselves. My adviser suggested introduction to pottery. I'm thinking photography might be cool. The idea is to take a class that will be an easy A to let me focus on the other three. Another option is to spend 3 credits working in a biochemistry lab with a faculty member instead of taking one of those classes. I'm going to look into that in the next few weeks and see if there is a faculty member that has an opening in his/her lab. I still want to work at National Jewish too, especially if I'm hoping to get a job there after graduation. But that just may not work.

One more year of school, and I will be graduating!! It can't come soon enough. After graduation comes financial independence, a wedding, possibly moving back to Phoenix, and hopefully soon after that- babies!

In-laws

I am exhausted. The last week has been really busy, and I feel like I finally have time to take a big breath. Last weekend, Daniel was gone all day Saturday and overnight until Sunday afternoon. He had training to be an orientation leader, and then he went camping with his fraternity. I hate it when he's gone, especially because my roommates were also gone and I was home basically alone most of the day on Saturday. Then, even worse, our roommates invited all their London friends over to the house. I felt completely out of place and to be honest, not very welcome in their conversation so I made Jackson hide out with me downstairs until they left for dinner. When Daniel got home, we spent the whole day cleaning the house until it was completely spotless.

Monday I had my usual marathon day of class from 9am-9pm. This Monday was even worse because the chemistry lab was really long and hard. But when it was over, I had just enough time to go home and drop off my stuff before we left for the airport to pick up Daniel's parents.

It was so awesome having his family here. We stayed up really late that night talking (a lot about the wedding). I didn't even care that I had to get up early the next morning. On Tuesday, I had an anatomy test at 10am. I was actually really happy that the test was that day because it meant I could leave as soon as I was done which is a lot sooner than the usual end time for that class at noon. I felt like the test went really well too. I studied quite a bit, but I didn't have time to really cram the night before or that morning. I haven't gotten my grade yet. After my exam, I met up with Daniel and his parents for lunch. They took us out to a popular place near campus. Daniel performed in a recital at 12. Not only did I come, and his parents, but a ton of his fraternity brothers came too. He had a whole little cheering section. I think he really enjoyed it. Usually it's just me there to see him. His parents were so impressed and did their usual embarrassing "bravo" and clapping really loud and standing up at the end. They are so enthusiastic about their little boy. After the recital Daniel had to go to class, so we went grocery shopping and then they took me to work on their way to the airport. They picked up Daniel's Aunt Renee and his Grandma (on his dad's side) and then came straight back to my work. I met them downstairs and showed them around my lab. I introduced them to my supervisor and the post-doc that I work with pretty much every day, Judy. They were so impressed. Julie took pictures of me with everyone, and all the equipment and everything. Judy and Laura both told them very nice things about me. They don't know much about science, but they were so supportive and excited that I got this amazing job. It's amazing that my in-laws care so much about me- not just Daniel. They really feel like my own family.

We went back to campus and watched some of Daniel's wind ensemble rehearsal. I gave them a little tour of the music school, and then it was time to go home. Daniel invited his fraternity brothers over for dinner, so we had to cook up some burgers and bratwursts. About 6 or 7 of his brothers came and we ate a ton of food. Daniel's parents bought us so much food! That's what's great about having parents in town: they pay for everything! That night, I was so exhausted, but we had a very full day planned for Wednesday.

I had class from 9-10am and Daniel had class from 10-11am. At 11, his family met us at school and Daniel gave them a tour of campus. We went out for dinner at the quintessential Denver pizza place- Beau Jo's. Then we spent a few hours at the Denver Botanical Gardens. This time of year is absolutely gorgeous here. Everything is blooming, and the weather is perfect. So we took advantage of it. Then we went shopping! Grandma wanted to buy us a gift, and we asked for a backyard gazebo to provide a little shade. There is absolutely no shade in our backyard. We started at Home Depot, but we weren't happy with the selection they had so we went to Target. We found one that was very reasonably priced- so we bought it! Actually, Grandma, Aunt Renee, and Daniel's parents all split it. They are all so generous. We spent the rest of the evening assembling the gazebo and doing some other home repairs that Daniel needed his dad's help with. By the end of the night, we were all exhausted. There were still a few things we didn't get to do that we wanted to- more wedding planning, mostly. But in one month Daniel and I will be traveling to Phoenix. We are planning on driving there for about a week in early June. And the goal is to put down a deposit on the venue while we're there. December is a popular time for weddings in Phoenix, so we need to get our name in early.

I am so tired, but I wish they could have stayed even longer! I'm happy for every second we got to spend together. I think I must have the best in-laws on the planet. They love me as much as Daniel, it seems. They really care about us and want what's best for us. Julie gets a little weepy every time she talks about our wedding. I am so lucky that I get to be a Rosen :-)