Weaning

We (meaning me and Daniel- because, yes this is a decision for both of us) decided last weekend that it's time to wean.  For many, many reasons.  Mostly, though, we just feel that 9 months is enough.  Providing enough milk for Elijah requires that I pump for (at the very least) 2 hours a day.  Most days it's probably closer to 3.  3 hours of my day, every single day is consumed.  It's time that I don't get to spend with Elijah, it's time that I have to stop whatever I'm doing and separate myself from everyone I'm with.  It takes 20 minutes every 3 hours.  It's not like I can just wake up early, spend my 2-3 hours pumping, and be done for the day.  It doesn't work like that.  I feel like I am constantly on the clock.  Always counting down until the next time I have to stop what I'm doing, strip half naked, and plug myself into the wall.  There is nothing fun about it.  The absolute worst times are the 30-35 minutes I have to spend every single morning, and the 20 minutes before bed.  Every single night I get to the point that I am so tired that I just want to go to sleep, but I have to pump.  And then I have to put the milk in the fridge.  And then I have to wash all the plastic parts so they're ready for the next morning.  And I have to wake up 30 minutes earlier than I would otherwise so that I pump out all the milk that has built up overnight.  I am so full and uncomfortable that I can't do anything else until I empty the milk out.  Which means that Daniel is the one to get Elijah out of his crib every single morning.  I don't get to go pick up my baby and bring him into bed with me, and I don't get to snuggle up with him while we're still in our pajamas.  Every weekday, Daniel has to take care of Elijah while he packs up my pump bag, my lunch, Elijah's day care bag and bottles, and gets himself some breakfast.  That's a lot for him to take care of- all because I'm stuck to the stupid pump.  And I have the constant nagging worry of whether I am producing enough.  Is my supply dropping?  Will I have enough milk for day care tomorrow?  Do I need to pump longer or more frequently, or take fenugreek, or drink more water to get my supply up?  Or not eat certain foods or take certain medications, or drink alcohol or caffeine because it could hurt Elijah?  All of this is to say..... breastfeeding is a huge commitment. And I am incredibly proud of myself for sticking with it for this long.  It takes more willpower and internal motivation than anything else I've ever done.  And the hard thing is, I don't get to just quit.  I don't get to just decide one day that I want a break, but I'll pick it back up tomorrow.  Because whether I like it or not, my boobs are producing milk.  If I stop then I am in horrible pain and at risk for clogged ducts and mastitis.  And once I stop, that's it.  Game over.  I don't get to change my mind.  So after thinking about it for a long time, I am going to gradually wean.

My plan is to very gradually stretch the time between my pumps.  For months I have pumped every 3 hours religiously.  For 2 or 3 months, when my supply was low, I even woke up in the middle of the night just to pump.  So the first gift I am giving myself is the gift of flexibility.  I am going to go about 4 hours between pumps now to (hopefully) start to produce less milk.  But the great thing is that the pressure to produce enough for each day is immediately lifted.  I have a huge freezer stash, so Elijah won't be on formula right away.  In fact, if all goes as planned, it will still be another month or so before he is on formula.  Which means he will only have formula for his last couple of months and then we can switch to cow's milk.  I will keep increasing the time between pumps about once a week until I'm just pumping when I wake up and before bed.  My goal is to keep providing Elijah with breastmilk as long as possible, while increasing my quality of life at the same time.

This decision has been really hard on my emotionally.  I am so conflicted every day, even as I start to implement my plan to wean.  One minute I can't wait to be done (usually this is the morning or night) and the next I wonder how I can be so selfish as to voluntarily stop producing milk for my baby.  I'm afraid he won't like formula, or it will make him sick.  I'm afraid he will wonder why his Mama won't give him his milk that he loves so much.  I'm afraid he won't gain weight as quickly or won't thrive as much as he is now.  I'm afraid other moms who are able to work and keep breastfeeding will judge me for stopping for selfish reasons.  I'm sad that I'm ending the last thing that connects me physically to my baby.  I'm afraid I will gain weight.  I'm afraid my boobs will shrivel up into flat pancakes and none of my clothes will fit anymore.  I will miss the pride and satisfaction that I feel when people say increduously "wow, you're still breastfeeding?"  The hormones that have already begun to change are giving me horrible mood swings and anxiety.  I wonder why I am going through this when I don't have to. But the fact is, we have to wean at some point.  And the hormonal changes are inevitable.  So it's now or later.  I just didn't expect to be so emotional about it.  Nobody talks about weaning.

I wonder if my body will ever get back to some kind of "normal."  I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for a year and a half.  I don't even remember what it's like to not have these hormones.  But I know that eventually I will get back to normal.  Until I get pregnant again.  And to be honest, I can't wait.  I loved nursing Elijah for those first 4 months.  And next time I really think we can make it work.  I believe 100% that if I could actually nurse Elijah, I wouldn't want to quit.  At least 3 times a week I think about trying to get Elijah back to nursing.  But to be honest, it's not worth the effort.  I need to move on.  Elijah is happy and healthy, what more could I ask for?

Elijah's First Fever and The Best Saturday Ever

Elijah had his first fever this weekend.  It was very low, only about 100 degrees, but it was enough to make him a little whinier than usual.  I think I know exactly where the fever came from, too.  It wasn't too hard to figure out.  I'll start from the beginning:

On Saturday we were out and about all day.  Elijah woke up in a fantastic mood and it lasted all the way until bedtime.  He took two fantastic naps (fell asleep independently and stayed asleep over an hour for each of them).  We went to Costco, walked to the grocery store, went to the library, and finished the day in the backyard splashing in his inflatable baby pool.  Elijah could have picked up the virus from any of those places, but I think I know exactly where it came from- the library.  They have a little magnetic wall covered in letters.  There was an almost-2-year-old little girl who was playing with the letters.  Elijah crawled up to her and as her Mom asked her to pick out different letters, she handed them to Elijah.  Of course, he grabbed them and shoved them in his mouth.  Of course I wondered how many other children had touched/mouthed those letters, and how often they sanitize them, but I'm not really one to be overly cautious about germs.  There's no way I can keep Elijah from putting everything in his mouth, so my strategy is to just let him go for it and build up his immune system.  This time, I paid the price.  But I have to say that whatever virus he got was extremely mild.  One does of ibuprofen and his fever was gone and he was mostly back to his normal, playful self.  It was pretty cute to watch Elijah play with the little girl.  And her Mom was so impressed with my interaction with her, she asked Daniel if I was a teacher!  He told her that no, I was a scientist, but I just love being a Mom.  Which is the absolute truth.  

Where's Elijah?

Elijah ate 5 strawberries on Saturday!

I went to sleep on Saturday night feeling like I just lived out my perfect day.  Nothing extraordinary happened.  It was just perfect.  Little to no whining from Elijah, good naps that were nicely spaced through the day, some fun outings with the family, some time in the backyard with beautiful weather that was just hot enough to be comfortable in a bathing suit, and ending the day by rocking my beautiful baby boy until he was just falling asleep and then giving him a kiss and putting him in bed.

Sunday and Monday was spent holding/cuddling/rocking all day long.  Sunday morning Daniel thought he felt a little warm.  He didn't eat any of his breakfast.  He was just sitting on Daniel's lap without babbling or moving at all really.  We took his temperature a few times, and it was around 100 degrees.  We gave him some ibuprofen and held him on our laps for a long time.  We also rocked him to sleep a few times.  He took horrible naps in the morning, 2 naps each 30 minutes long, but then in the afternoon he slept for 2 hours.  I was actually able to re-settle him halfway through and he went back to sleep for another hour.  That rarely works, but thank goodness it did because he really needed the sleep.  We really didn't leave the house at all on Sunday.  It was the first time we've missed church in probably 6 weeks.  But we didn't want to expose other children to Elijah's virus and we didn't really feel comfortable leaving him with the lady in the nursery there.  Last week, when he was healthy, he didn't like being left there.  So I didn't think it would go well when he wasn't feeling well. 

Monday I woke up in a horrible mood, and I think Elijah did too.  His morning naps were awful again.  For both of them we had to rock him to sleep and then when we tried to put him down and leave the room, he would wake up and start screaming.  Then he would finally fall asleep, only to wake up screaming 30 minutes later.  I was beginning to think he might be having separation anxiety.  One day last week he started to cry when I kissed him goodbye at school, but he was easily comforted by Miss Justine (I seriously love his teachers).  After his second awful nap, I sat in his dark room and rocked him for 45 minutes.  He just laid there in my arms.  I couldn't see if his eyes were open or closed, but it's rare for him to be content just laying in my arms for long periods of time while he's awake.  Once in a while he would reach his arm up and grab my nose really hard with his fingers.  He shoved his fingers up my nose and in my mouth, pulled at my lips, and squeezed my nose hard.  It was like he was trying to figure out what that huge bump was on my face!  I had to try really hard to keep myself from laughing out loud.  Finally I put him in his crib and crept out of his room.  But he started crying so we finally gave up.  It was kind of nice to be able to just hold and rock him for so long, but also frustrating that he wouldn't go to sleep.  Thank goodness that afternoon we were able to just put him down and leave and he fell asleep on his own, and stayed asleep for 2 hours.  I really hope this isn't the beginning of separation anxiety.  

This is how you know he's really tired- he starts shaking his head to keep himself awake.

We did have some bright moments in those days.  Elijah tried chicken for the first time.  I had to kind of trick him into eating it, but he did eventually eat it.  The first time I hid it between pieces of banana on his tray.  The second time I put pieces on the spoon with pureed sweet potatoes. I really enjoyed all the extra cuddles I got from him.  And the feeling that he still needed his mama.  He started saying the syllable "na-na-na" this weekend.  And he stood for a solid second on his own!  There are a few aspects of his personality that are really coming out- he loves to move, and he is very extroverted.  All we have to do to make him happy is take him out somewhere, or to school where there are lots of people, and he is happy.  He definitely gets that from his Daddy.

Eric came over for dinner on Sunday night

Lots of snuggles from Daddy

There were still a few smiles despite the fever

Let's just end with some silliness

Peek-A-Boo

Last night Elijah initiated Peek-a-boo for the first time!  It was the first time we saw Elijah learn something from watching us.  It was so exciting and unbelievable.  I didn't realize that at just 8.5 months, he can watch us do something and figure out how to do it himself.  It was after his bath and he was wrapped up in his towel laying on the changing table.  Daniel was rubbing lotion on him and Elijah grabbed the towel, moved his arms up over his face, and then really quickly pulled them down.  Daniel realized what he was doing and started saying "peek-a-boo!"  Elijah kept doing it over and over and every time Daniel yelled "peek-a-boo!" he laughed hysterically.

Elijah is also accelerating in his motor development.  In the last few days I have noticed him trying to balance on his feet without holding on to anything.  He often uses our legs to pull up on when we're in the kitchen.  I can feel his weight shift off of me and then back on me over and over as he tries to find his balance.  I also watched him a couple nights ago as he pulled up on the couch, pushed off, and fell down on his butt.  He did that over and over and over again.  Each time he pushed off, he held it for a little longer before falling down.  It's just amazing to watch.  He intuitively knows how to learn these things without anyone showing him or teaching him.  I feel like I'm watching evolution happen right in front of my eyes.

Last weekend, Elijah was pretty fussy.  We attributed it to teething since he has another tooth coming in right next to his first one.  I took him to school on Monday and let them know what was going on, and that we had given him some ibuprofen that weekend and it seemed to help.  At around 11:30am I got a call that he had only slept for 20 minutes that morning and he really needs some ibuprofen.  So I ran over to the pharmacy inside Children's hospital, bought some infant ibuprofen, and drove over to his school.  Yet another time that I thanked God we found a day care right on my campus.  I gave him some ibuprofen and then spent a good 30 minutes rocking him to sleep.  At first he seemed wide awake.  Then he started resisting it- arching his back and whining.  But slowly he got quiet and relaxed in my arms.  He stared at the ceiling for a long time as I kept rocking him and watched the other babies play.  And slowly he closed his eyes and started breathing deeply and heavily.  Then I knew he was out.  I laid him down in his crib and went back to work.  It was such a sweet time.  Initially I was just going to give him some ibuprofen and go back to work.  But it's pretty rare that I get to rock him to sleep anymore. And once I started, I really wanted to finish.  I wanted that satisfaction of watching him drift into sleep in my arms. 

On Tuesday I took him to the pediatrician to make sure his ear infection cleared up.  His regular doctor, Dr. Krawcek, wasn't available so we got the float doctor.  We met him once before when Elijah was 8 or 12 weeks old.  He dismissed my worry about Elijah's (lack of) weight gain and his spitting up.  We weren't impressed.  And this visit confirmed that.  He made Eljiah lay down on the table and asked me to hold his arms down while he looked in his ears.  He was really slow and thorough, and did it twice on each ear.  Of course Elijah screamed because he doesn't like being held down.  Dr. Krawcek never made us hold him down to look in his ears.  Regardless, we got the confirmation that his ears are fine and some recommendations to ease his teething pain.  I also found out that he gained 15 oz in 15 days!  Holy cow, nearly a pound in 2 weeks!  So it wasn't just my imagination that he was getting very heavy very quickly.  He went from the 60th percentile at the beginning of May to the 70th percentile on Tuesday.  That is crazy!  It makes me so happy.  He is obviously growing and thriving.  He is such an easy baby.  I say it over and over again- we hit the jackpot with this kid.  Now if we could only get him to sleep past 6:30am!

Elijah with his Great Grandma

Elijah's best friend Carson- they play together all day at school

Right after I took this picture, Elijah fell asleep.  Right there at the piano.

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Elijah picked my flower and then tried to eat it.

My First Mother's Day

Elijah made this for me at school

So many milestones!  Last week, while Elijah was in the bath, Daniel noticed that Elijah had his first tooth!  I felt his gums and sure enough there was a very sharp tooth that broke through the gums.  It's the one on the bottom in the very front on Elijah's left side.  He doesn't seem too bothered by it.  He has been chewing on things a lot more, but no excess drool or any other symptoms.  I always thought teeth on babies looked kind of ridiculous, so I wasn't too excited for when Elijah's started showing up.  But now that it's here I think it's pretty adorable.  Isn't that just how motherhood goes?  Every other kid can look ridiculous with teeth, but my kid looks adorable.  When I felt it I screamed out loud.  It felt like such a big deal.  Teeth!  My little baby has teeth!  We spent an excessive amount of time trying to get a good picture of it.  And we did get an okay picture of it.  Too bad Eljiah is crying in it.

Last Monday, Elijah was diagnosed with his second double ear infection.  We're not sure if it's a long continuation of the previous one, or a new one.  Regardless, he's on antibiotics and his cough that lasted 3 weeks has suddenly cleared up.  I feel a little guilty for not taking him to the doctor sooner, but I didn't think they would give us antibiotics just for a cough.  But day care called me at work on Monday and told me that he is just miserable.  So I took him to see Dr. Jeff.  He told me not to feel bad, but I can't help it.  Next time I won't let his cough go on for that long.  He is so much happier and sleeping better now.  And he even likes this antibiotic.  He eats it right up!

This weekend, Elijah ate real food for the first time.  I've been giving him little chunks of banana and strawberries to try for the past few weeks.  He never really got it.  If I put some in his mouth, he would make a face and spit it out.  The only food he would pick up and eat himself was happypuffs.  Not the healthiest option.  I was starting to get frustrated.  Pureeing all his food has been a lot of work and it really limits his options.  But this weekend, it just clicked.  We were at the farmer's market and Daniel ripped off a tiny piece of his pizza and put it in Elijah's mouth.  To our surprise, he swallowed it!  And then he opened his mouth wide for more!  He ate about 5 pieces and then Daniel didn't want to share anymore.  When we got home, we gave him some strawberry pieces, and he actually picked them up and ate them!  On Sunday he ate tons of pancake pieces and more strawberries.  What a surprise.  I was so thrilled.  And oddly proud.  I knew he would get it eventually, but it was getting frustrating to waste all that food when he wouldn't eat it.

Yesterday was my very first mother's day.  It was awesome.  Daniel made it so special.  He let me sleep in after Elijah woke up at 5:30am!  (We kinda screwed up his sleep schedule and he's been waking up earlier and earlier each morning).  When I got up, he had made some chocolate chip pancakes for us for breakfast. Elijah napped just long enough for me to eat breakfast and get a shower.  I got a homemade card from Elijah that was absolutely hilarious.  On the inside Daniel wrote in crayon "Da da da da da. A da. Squeeeee!" which is exactly what Eljiah says all day.  He also wrote "Thank you for being the best Mommy in the world."  And I got two books- one to read to Elijah (Guess How Much I Love You) and one for me (Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures).  It was just perfect.  Daniel even changed a massive poopy diaper for me.  We spent a lot of time outside because it was just so gorgeous (and actually kind of hot).  We filled up the baby pool and then discovered that the hose water was much too cold, so we played next to it instead of in it.  Elijah was pretty cute in his little baby bathing suit, so it was all worth it.  We took a walk to the part and saw all the geese mommys and daddys with their fuzzy yellow chicks.  I got to rock Elijah to sleep for a nap and later for bed.  And Daniel cooked the most amazing dinner.  All around, a usual Sunday, but absolutely spectacular because this is my usual Sunday.  I just love it.  I love being a Mom, I love my family, I love my baby boy, I love my life.

I just love his little fat rolls

The cuteness.  It's killing me.

This weekend

This weekend, Elijah said "Mama" for the first time.  Sure, it wasn't at me.  Or in reference to me.  Or any other mother.  But, he said it.  Which means he is one step closer to saying it TO me.  Or AT me. Or ABOUT me.

This weekend, Elijah walked with support.  He held onto my hands and as I gently leaned him forward, he took little tiny steps.

This weekend, we went to the Farmer's Market.  The only thing I could think was how last year, I was hugely pregnant, looking at all the babies and strollers and imagining myself with a baby in a stroller next year.  And here I am.  Next year.  Only it's this year now.  And I can tell you that my baby boy has the most beautiful color-changing mood ring eyes.  And that he loves to eat.  And that he crawled very early at only 7 months old!  And that he has quite a loud voice.  All the things that I wondered about when I was pregnant and now I know them.  Just going to the Farmer's Market made me think all these things.

He napped like this.  With his lovey over his face.

This weekend, I thought (for about the billionth time) how great it is that the universe makes babies need to sleep so much, because as a mommy I need babies to sleep so much too.  This weekend, it did not happen enough.  Elijah has had this cough for like a bajillion years (or like 3 weeks).  It suddenly got worse on Friday.  Where before he could sleep through it, now it wakes him up.  But just from naps.  He is still sleeping through the night every night (glory hallelujah!).  So he took a very tiny 30 minute nap on Saturday morning and a very small 1 hour nap on Saturday afternoon and by 5pm he was just done.  Ready for bed, put me in my pajamas, and let me sleep!  But we did not want to be woken up at 5am the next morning, so we made him stay up until 6:15pm.  Which was still far too early.  We've been trying to push his bedtime to 7pm and he has been resisting it!  He still wakes up around 6:30 most mornings.  We should just give in.  Anyways, Saturday night.  So he was a cranky tired mess for the last hour of the day.  Surprisingly not so much the rest of the day, despite the lack of napping.

All dressed up and ready for church

This weekend, we decided not to become members of our church.  Boo.  Daniel would have to be baptized first, and that's just one step too far.  I understand.  I don't want him to do something like that just for me.  I'm glad he has the ethics not to do it even when he doesn't actually believe.  But I really wish there was a way for us to become members anyways.  I like our church.

This weekend, we went to the library again.  I love the library.  We discovered that last time we were at the library (2 weeks ago), we left our library card there.  So when we went to check out, and I couldn't find my card, we asked the help desk if Daniel could get a card.  When they looked up his name they discovered that my library card was reported as "lost".  So I got a new one.  And this one is BLUE! Pretty.  It's the little things.

Chllin in the backyard with his water bottle and his ridiculous hat

This weekend, Elijah spent nearly an hour playing by himself in the backyard.  I picked up dog poop, Daniel watered his garden and built his compost bin.  Elijah sat in the grass.  He played with my blue water bottle.  He was obsessed with it.  When I took it away, he crawled after it.  Even though he doesn't like crawling in the grass (I think?).  So he sat in the grass with his water bottle for a very long time.  And we all soaked up the sun and the warmth.  This week it's supposed to rain every day.  I wish summer would just hurry up!!

Cheese is fun to play with, but not fun to eat

This weekend, we tried finger foods again with limited success.  The only solid food he will eat is banana Happy Puffs.  Banana chunks, nope.  Strawberry pieces, nope.  Shredded cheddar, nope.  All delicious food!  But because it is not liquefied, he will not eat it.  As soon as he does start eating finger foods, there will be a whole new world of options opened to him.  I can't wait!

Chasing Mama down the hallway

Glee!

A split second of cuddle time