Baby Blog

I've had an inordinate amount of free time to peruse the internet in the last week and a half, and I stumbled upon this blog. It's basically a bunch of women who are in various stages of pregnancy/ new motherhood writing about the unexpected and sometimes difficult decisions they have to make on their way to giving birth. While some of the blogs are perfectly lovely and make me very excited to one day have my own child, some of them scare me to death. Actually, a lot of them scare me to death. I thought I was going to become physically ill after reading one blog in which the mother describes the side effects of magnesium sulfate given to her immediately after delivering (not allowed to hold her baby due to the possibility of dropping her, getting a catheter, repeatedly vomiting, heart racing). If this is just a small sampling of the hundreds or thousands of women that give birth in the United States each day, then what are the odds that something like that is going to happen to me? It sounds awful- not at all like the magical moment you see in movies and on television. Many of these women opted for a natural or even home birth (probably owing to the fact that they were drawn from NPR's audience). Daniel and I have actually discussed this briefly, and we both agree that we would prefer a natural birth, at home if possible. That's mostly my preference, but Daniel is on the same page. So many of the women describe last minute complications that caused them to rush to the hospital in a panic, throwing their idealistic birthing plan out the window on the way.

The scientist in me feels that childbirth shouldn't be that scary. Women have been doing this for thousands of years (in our current evolutionary state- millions if you count our primitive ancestors). It seems to me that our bodies should have evolved to a place in which giving birth is relatively easy and safe. Hospitals and medication have been a routine part of childbirth only in the last 60 years. All of this tells me that it should be perfectly fine for me to give birth at home with little medical intervention and no pain medication. But then, a little voice creeps in that reminds me that for thousands of years women, and their babies, have died in childbirth. I know I have a lot of time to do more intensive research and really figure out what's right for me, especially considering I'm not pregnant or planning to become pregnant anytime soon. But reading this blog just makes me think about everything that could go wrong. And it feels like having the birthing experience that I want is going to be a long shot. Reading about all the medical complications also scares me to death. But I can't tear myself away. I want to read every gory detail, even though it terrifies me. I guess I can't wait to have my own story to tell, whether it is the perfect medication-free at-home-birth, or the rushing-to-the-hospital-to-get-an-emergency-c-section-birth. Of course, I hope for the former.

First week at UCDenver

It's been one week since we moved into our new lab, and very little progress has been made. We still don't have any instruments set up and ready to use. We have most of the supplies we need, but not all of it. There was very little for me to do last week. I had the obligatory online training that took me a couple hours one day, and we had two meetings on Thursday. Besides that, I basically just passed time at my desk.

My favorite part about the new lab is my desk. It is so quiet and peaceful. Right now nobody is working on the bench, so all the PhDs are in their offices which is through 2 doors and down the hall from where I am. So I'm all by myself next to a big window that looks out to the Rocky Mountains. I haven't even been bored. I have kept very busy finishing my graduate school application and planning our honeymoon :-) I officially "e-submitted" my application this morning. It cost me almost $300 which is mildly irritating. We don't really have $300 to spare, but we'll find a way to pay for it. It's important enough. And Daniel and I figure we just have to make it until March and then Daniel will get a full-time job and we will be able to pay off any credit card debt we accrue between now and then, if any. But I feel very strongly against having any debt at all. The only debt I personally have ever had is student loan debt. We don't make payments on our cars, and we don't even have a mortgage, though I would be fine with that kind of debt as well. It's really just credit card debt that I am opposed to. I just feel that you shouldn't spend more money than you can afford. Period. Even though we are making so little money right now, we have to live within our means. So I really don't want to carry a balance on any credit card if I can help it. Daniel feels a little differently about that, probably because he knows more about finance, business, and the economy. He thinks it's worse to have cash sitting in the bank doing nothing than to carry a small balance on a credit card. I like to have a little cash sitting in the bank. It makes me feel safe.

So I had so much extra time last week I couldn't avoid writing my graduate school application essays anymore. I had to write 3 total: 1) my motivation towards becoming a PA in 5000 characters or less, 2) my life's history and experiences in 3200 characters or less, and 3) a stressful experience in my life and the resolution in 1600 characters or less. The first essay I wrote months ago and it's way under the limit. The second and third I wrote last week, and I had such a hard time keeping them within the limit. 3200 characters is about a page, and 1600 characters is about a paragraph. Try writing a story about a stressful experience in a paragraph! It's not easy. And the prompt about your "life's history and experiences" is so broad, I didn't even know where to begin. I was so grateful to have my sister's help. We're still so in sync with each other, I can practically predict what she's going to say before she says it. Just yesterday Daniel and I were talking on the phone with her and she made an argument that was almost verbatim what I had told Daniel weeks ago. It was so funny sitting there listening to her say exactly what I said before. Even though we've lived in different states for 4 years, we are still right in sync with each other. I think it's a twin thing. I hope we never lose that.

As for the honeymoon planning, I am making lots of progress. The final details of the wedding day are coming together, so I can focus on the trip now. It's funny that you spend so much time and effort on that day, you forget there's a huge vacation the day after. We booked our flights and got what I think is a great deal. We have been looking for weeks and finally found a Delta flight around the time that we wanted for $720 roundtrip for each of us. We were ready to book it, but Daniel's parents asked him to wait a few days because they're paying for his flight as a graduation gift. By the time we got around to booking it, we found a US Airways flight at almost exactly the same time for $625 roundtrip- Score! I booked both of our B&Bs that we're staying at on the Big Island, and researched some fun activities. We're going to go horseback riding at sunset, snorkel with manta rays at night, and go stargazing at Mauna Kea Observatory. The stars must look incredible when you're on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I think it sounds so romantic. And I bought a new bathing suit this weekend! I think it's a rule that you have to get a new bathing suit before a trip to Hawaii. I know, all of this sounds very expensive. I'm pretty concerned. But, if worse comes to worse, we can dip into our savings. We have almost $5500 saved up. We're hoping not to use any of it, but if we have to then that's the way it goes. It's hard to plan when you don't know how much gift money you're going to get. But I'm trying not to worry about it. The part that's going to cost the most is the rental car. We have to get a 4-wheel drive to get to some of the beaches and to go to the top of Mauna Kea. That will cost us close to $800 for the whole trip- and that's with USAA waiving the $25/day underage fee (thank goodness!). I really don't want to blow that much money on a stupid car, but we don't have a choice. All we need is something to get us around the island with 4-wheel drive. I would much rather spend $800 on an incredible experience, nicer hotel, or something super romantic- not something so practical as a rental car.

Well now that the honeymoon is planned and my grad school application is finished, I'll have to find something else to occupy my time until the lab is up and running. Any suggestions for wasting about 6 hours a day on the computer? I've got another week or 2 until I'll actually be able to do any work.

The big move is underway

Work has been crazy this week. Yesterday was our official move date. We spent all Friday packing up everything from our old lab at National Jewish. The lab was filled with boxes. I didn't have that much to pack up because I didn't even get a desk until about 5 weeks ago. I purposely didn't settle in because I knew we would be moving very soon. For the past 2 weeks we have been ordering lab supplies to be delivered to the new lab and our lab manager was unpacking boxes and setting things up. But now it's day 2 in the new lab and there is very little supplies here. So little that we can't actually do anything. Yesterday we each gathered supplies for our own bench from the larger store that the manager set up. We also got our brand new computers and set those up. We hired a professional moving company to move all our boxes and freezers over here. We unpacked as much as we could, but there isn't much to do yet. We need computers for just about every instrument and we still haven't gotten those. None of the PhD offices have permanent furniture in them, just tables to use until October when the real furniture comes. My desk in the lab had no chair so I was sitting on my desk until this morning. The biggest job was moving all our freezers. We had about 10 minus 80 freezers that had to be moved, as well as 2 minus 20 freezers and 2 4 degree refrigerators. Even though it's only a few miles from National Jewish to the University of Colorado, it's super important that everything stay cold. They had to be moved as quickly as possible to keep everything inside from thawing out. The freezers are full of our samples that would be ruined if they thawed and re-froze. So all the freezers are here, but we're still waiting on one refrigerator. All our files and notebooks are also moved, but no computer data. We have one guy who is in charge of copying everything onto a giant hard drive and then moving it to our new computer system. It's taking much longer than anticipated since we have over 1 TB of data to move from lots of different hard drives.

I am really enjoying the new lab so far. We split it in half and put the researchers who work with human samples on one side, and mouse on the other. I am the only tech who works with mice (everyone else is a PhD or MD) so therefore I am the only one with a desk on this half of the lab. When I'm sitting at my desk, nobody can see me and I can't see anyone. It's actually kind of peaceful. But on August 15 our new mouse colony manager is starting, and she'll probably have a desk at least near me. I also get a lot more space in this lab. We have only filled maybe 10% of the shelves and drawers so far. I can claim as many as I want until we hire more people and start filling up the space. So right now I have 3 desks completely to myself. I also get my own phone extension at my desk. All of this may sound mundane to some people, but I'm excited. It's just more independence and responsibility. I just wish we could start doing actual work. I have a long list of experiments to do, but I can't do any of it until our instruments are up and running. I have no idea how long that will take, but probably at least the rest of this week. Until then I can pretty much do whatever I want. I completed a bunch of online training about sexual harrassment and disposal of hazardous waste. I'm glad I got that out of the way because it is so boring. I'm planning on finishing up my graduate school application this week as well. I have already written my first draft of my autobiographical essay, but it has to be cut way down. I haven't began my stressful experience essay.

This will be a nice easy week, but exciting too. It's like Christmas getting all brand new supplies! I hope I don't get too bored.

The Future of our Family

Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I have wanted to be a mother for a very long time. Pretty much since I was 16 I've been going through life waiting until the most responsible (and socially acceptable) time to have children. Not to mention waiting for Daniel to be ready. Because as badly as I want to start our family, I definitely don't want to do it until Daniel is on board. It wouldn't be very much fun if Daniel wasn't excited about being a Daddy. So I have been living my life, doing everything I can to work towards the day I can have children. Of course there are many things that must be done first, in my opinion. Finish college, get a job, become financially independent and secure, and get married. Well as I sit here I have completed the first two, am well on my way to completing the third, and in 4 1/2 months I will have completed the fourth. Which means that technically I am ready to start our family.

Up until now, Daniel has not been ready. He loves kids, and wants to have a family, but there are lots of other things he wants to do first. He wants to travel, own a beautiful home in a great neighborhood, start his own business, and make lots of money. All of these things were much more important to him and in his opinion, impossible to do with children. In the past 6 months he has made huge strides towards all of those goals- namely, starting his own business. He spends hours researching similar businesses and asking friends and families for advice. He attends every business class looking to glean information that can help him start his business. And all of this means he has spent exactly zero time looking for a job, or thinking about what kind of job he is going to get when he graduates in March. He will have a master's degree in business administration. Here's where the conflict began.

Every time we talked about our future, we were in serious disagreement. Daniel wanted to start his business immediately when he graduates in March. He thinks he will make enough for the first year or two to pay our bills (his estimate was about $30,000/yr), and we'll just take out more loans to pay for my graduate school. Then, when I finish graduate school 3 years later and get a job (starting pay is $70-80k) we can start thinking about saving for a baby. After we pay off student loans of course.

My plan was significantly different. I was thinking that once he graduates in March, he will get a great corporate job that will make at least double what we are now (I think that's pretty reasonable with a master's degree). It will be enough to support us and pay for at least some of my graduate school and pay off our student loans. After a couple years of his much higher salary, we should have enough saved to have a baby. The best part of this plan is his getting a corporate job that pays significantly higher than what I make now. I am tired of being poor. I feel like after 4-5 years of school, we have invested enough time, effort, and money to make much more than we are right now. Which is why I'm going to get my master's degree. But part of my expectation is that Daniel will use his master's degree to support us while I am working on mine. I was so thrilled a few years ago when Daniel decided to get his MBA because I thought that meant financial security for our family. And it felt to me like he was pulling the rug out from under me when he declared that he wanted to start his new business right away and that meant another 3 years of barely paying our bills while continuing to accumulate student loan debt. And then after those 3 years, it's ME supporting our family. Which makes it kind of hard to start a family.

So we have been going back and forth between his plan and mine for 6 months now. Every time we talk about it, I feel like my dream of being a mom gets pushed further and further into the future. And I feel like Daniel is putting his dream of starting a business before mine. Every discussion ended with hurt feelings for both of us and we got nowhere. Until yesterday.

Daniel basically told me that he thought about it and he liked my plan. Sort of. His idea was to graduate in March and get a job. He can continue to work on his business plan and start it up slowly on the side. Meanwhile, he'll be making enough to pay our bills so that I can go to graduate school. The program I want to go to isn't really expensive; it's only about $10-15k a year for 3 years. Depending on how the first year or 2 goes, we would like to have a baby between my second and third year of graduate school. I have spoken to 2 of my friends who are in the program now and they both say it's very much like undergraduate. It's not 8am-5pm in class every day. You have many afternoons off, and sometimes whole days off. You still get Christmas break, summer break, and spring break. So if we planned it very carefully, I could have the baby in June and go back to school in September. I think that after my first year I will be able to tell if I could handle that. Then when I finish the program I can work full time with a toddler a home while Daniel starts up his business. Our income wouldn't change a whole lot if Daniel quits and then right away I start working. I know there are a lot of pieces that have to fall exactly into place to make this work, but the important part to me is that Daniel has agreed to get a job in March. I feel like we only have to get through the next 8 months living paycheck to paycheck. That's such a relief.

What a great exercise in compromise. I think this proves that we have a great foundation for our marriage.

I have had an incredibly busy few weeks. We had guests staying in our
home the last two weekends, and then this past weekend we went up to
the mountains for our mini summer vacation. It was fun having so many
things going on, but I'm completely exhausted. I am really looking
forward to this weekend, when I have no plans at all.

The last weekend in June, Daniel's childhood best friend (Patrick) and
his dad came to stay with us. Patrick's little brother was in a
lacrosse tournament here in Denver so they wanted to come and cheer
him on. Patrick's Dad was incredibly generous. He took us out for
many meals and wouldn't let us pay for anything while he was here. He
also took Daniel white water rafting on Monday. I couldn't go because
I had to work. I'm so glad Daniel got a chance to spend time with
Patrick. They hadn't seen each other since high school when my
family, Daniel's family, and Patrick's family all went on a cruise to
Alaska together. We are inviting the whole family to our wedding and
it seems like they might make the trip out to Phoenix. Patrick and I
really enjoyed talking about science. He just graduated with an
engineering degree and got a great job in Boston. He is considering
medical school and was very interested in the research I'm doing.

The following weekend my Dad came to stay with us. He was on his way
to our favorite family vacation spot, Estes Park. We have gone there
every summer since I was about 4 years old. This year he had to go by
himself because the rest of us were scattered across the country and
couldn't get time off work. The first thing we did together was go to
a Rockies game. After the game there was an amazing fireworks show.
My Dad got us really good seats too. I practiced some calming and
de-stressing techniques and was able to watch the fireworks without
even covering my ears. I was still very tense, but I was able to
enjoy it without aching arms and ears. Over the weekend he also took
us shopping for our wedding gift- a new kitchen table and chairs! I
am so happy because I've been wanting to replace ours pretty much
since we moved into our house 2 years ago. It was given to us by
Daniel's family and it was the table that he sat at when he was a
little kid in the 1980s. And it shows. So we were very excited to
get a table that reflects our style a little better. And now we're
inspired to change all kinds of things in the house. We don't have a
ton of money right now, but we're going to save up and change things
little by little. Also while my Dad was here we picked out our
wedding rings and ordered them. I finally found one that looked good
next to my engagement ring. Daniel has known what he wanted for
months so it was just a matter of ordering it for him. And finally,
we started our registry! My Dad helped us pick out some things he
thought we might need/want for the house and kitchen. We went to
Crate and Barrel and got fantastic service. An employee took us
through the whole store giving us tips on what things family members
like to buy, and the products themselves. She spent a lot of time
telling us about the dishes and the materials they're made out of.
She also had answers to all of our concerns like how to get all our
gifts back to Denver, and how many sets of dishes and glasses and
things to register for. It was so much fun to go through the store
and pick anything we wanted no matter the cost! He left on Monday
morning, the 4th of July. I went into work for a few hours on the
holiday so that I could come home when the furniture was delivered on
Wednesday. I'm so lucky my work is flexible. That's why it pays to
be on salary and work in a professional environment. My supervisor
even told me she doesn't care if I have to leave or anything, as long
as my work gets done. :-)

Speaking of work, it's been going really well. Things slowed down a
lot last week so I haven't been nearly as busy. On July 1 I
officially became an employee of the state. I now work for the
University of Colorado as a research trainee. That means I'm on
salary with full benefits (including matching up to 10% on my 401k!).
We got to go over to the new lab and see what our workspace will look
like. It's the same size as our current lab now, but with half the
people! We also have extra rooms around the perimeter of the lab that
frees up some space in the lab itself. We will officially move July
18th if everything goes as planned. This Wednesday is our orientation
so I'm really excited to learn about my benefits and enroll.

This past weekend Daniel and I went to Estes Park. We picked up my
Mom from the airport and met my dad up there. It was a very short
trip, but really fun. I just love the mountains and it was so nice
and cool up there. We went on a very steep hike and I'm still a
little sore from that. Jackson loved sniffing and exploring the
wilderness. We also spent time with our family friends, the Cylwiks.
They meet us up there every year. Eric and Scott both brought their
significant others, so with them and Daniel and I we actually
outnumbered the parents for the first time. It was interesting to see
the dynamic shift from the parents taking charge to the kids. We got
back last night and I'm back at work today. I am looking forward to
having Daniel all to myself this weekend! And then in 2 weeks, we'll
have another house guest for 2 weeks, and then my Mom is coming to
visit again. I love having so much to do this summer. Our whole
lives feel like vacation, but better because we get to sleep in our
own bed.