Different Kinds of Love

While I was pregnant with Elijah, I often wondered what it would feel like to have a human on the Earth that is genetically half me.  Of course there is no way to know until it actually happens.  I wondered if I would feel that overwhelming love that everyone talks about when they have a baby.  I assumed I would.  And I did.  But I should qualify that.  More than love, I felt an overwhelming need to protect this baby.  And that feeling persists to this day.  Just the thought of Elijah getting hurt in any way provokes and emotional response.  I can't stand to hear him cry.  When he does, I have this incredible need to pick him up and comfort him.  It's almost as if I can't control myself.  It's the worst in the car.  I'm driving, he's strapped in screaming, and there's nothing I can do.  I have even pulled over the car in order to get to the backseat and comfort Elijah.  Daniel has told me that he doesn't feel the same way.  He is much more able to withstand listening to Elijah cry.  Which leads me to believe there must be some kind of hormone, some kind of chemical reaction that provokes that emotional response.  A hormone that is present in mothers especially.  I wonder if all mothers feel it.  It's hard for me to believe that a mother who harms her child feels the same way.  It's that uncontrollable aspect that makes it so difficult for me to understand how any mother can hurt her child, or even give her child up for adoption.  It's distressing enough for me to be away from him while I'm at work.  I don't know what I would do if I knew I would never see him again.

Daniel and I discussed a few weeks ago how our love for Elijah compares to our love for each other.  It's a common question I've heard asked- "Who do you love more, your baby or your husband?"  I've heard many different answers to that question.  My response is cliche, but honest- I love them equally, but different.  That answer would have been very unsatisfying for me before I had Elijah.  You just don't get it until you experience it yourself. The kind of love you have for a child- the love that nurtures, protects, and begins at the very instant of conception- is so different from the love for a partner.  My love for Daniel is made up of mutual respect.  We both chose to love each other, and that love has grown and developed over the years.  I can't think of a specific moment that it began.  I also don't feel the same urge the same chemical response that I get with Elijah.  When I dig really deep, I have to say that I could possibly love Elijah more.  And it's because of that biological, chemical, hormonal, physiological love that I say that.  I just don't have that with Daniel.  And I'm okay with that.  I understand that evolutionarily, it makes sense for parents to have that bond with their children and not necessarily with their partner.  For the species to survive, children must be cared for.  Two parents increase the odds of survival, but they aren't both necessary.  In many ways, this makes the love Daniel and I have for each other even more special.  It's something we work on.  It's something we choose.  It's not biologically driven.  I think that makes it even more important to spend time to nurture it and develop it.  For each other, and for our baby boy.