Weaning

We (meaning me and Daniel- because, yes this is a decision for both of us) decided last weekend that it's time to wean.  For many, many reasons.  Mostly, though, we just feel that 9 months is enough.  Providing enough milk for Elijah requires that I pump for (at the very least) 2 hours a day.  Most days it's probably closer to 3.  3 hours of my day, every single day is consumed.  It's time that I don't get to spend with Elijah, it's time that I have to stop whatever I'm doing and separate myself from everyone I'm with.  It takes 20 minutes every 3 hours.  It's not like I can just wake up early, spend my 2-3 hours pumping, and be done for the day.  It doesn't work like that.  I feel like I am constantly on the clock.  Always counting down until the next time I have to stop what I'm doing, strip half naked, and plug myself into the wall.  There is nothing fun about it.  The absolute worst times are the 30-35 minutes I have to spend every single morning, and the 20 minutes before bed.  Every single night I get to the point that I am so tired that I just want to go to sleep, but I have to pump.  And then I have to put the milk in the fridge.  And then I have to wash all the plastic parts so they're ready for the next morning.  And I have to wake up 30 minutes earlier than I would otherwise so that I pump out all the milk that has built up overnight.  I am so full and uncomfortable that I can't do anything else until I empty the milk out.  Which means that Daniel is the one to get Elijah out of his crib every single morning.  I don't get to go pick up my baby and bring him into bed with me, and I don't get to snuggle up with him while we're still in our pajamas.  Every weekday, Daniel has to take care of Elijah while he packs up my pump bag, my lunch, Elijah's day care bag and bottles, and gets himself some breakfast.  That's a lot for him to take care of- all because I'm stuck to the stupid pump.  And I have the constant nagging worry of whether I am producing enough.  Is my supply dropping?  Will I have enough milk for day care tomorrow?  Do I need to pump longer or more frequently, or take fenugreek, or drink more water to get my supply up?  Or not eat certain foods or take certain medications, or drink alcohol or caffeine because it could hurt Elijah?  All of this is to say..... breastfeeding is a huge commitment. And I am incredibly proud of myself for sticking with it for this long.  It takes more willpower and internal motivation than anything else I've ever done.  And the hard thing is, I don't get to just quit.  I don't get to just decide one day that I want a break, but I'll pick it back up tomorrow.  Because whether I like it or not, my boobs are producing milk.  If I stop then I am in horrible pain and at risk for clogged ducts and mastitis.  And once I stop, that's it.  Game over.  I don't get to change my mind.  So after thinking about it for a long time, I am going to gradually wean.

My plan is to very gradually stretch the time between my pumps.  For months I have pumped every 3 hours religiously.  For 2 or 3 months, when my supply was low, I even woke up in the middle of the night just to pump.  So the first gift I am giving myself is the gift of flexibility.  I am going to go about 4 hours between pumps now to (hopefully) start to produce less milk.  But the great thing is that the pressure to produce enough for each day is immediately lifted.  I have a huge freezer stash, so Elijah won't be on formula right away.  In fact, if all goes as planned, it will still be another month or so before he is on formula.  Which means he will only have formula for his last couple of months and then we can switch to cow's milk.  I will keep increasing the time between pumps about once a week until I'm just pumping when I wake up and before bed.  My goal is to keep providing Elijah with breastmilk as long as possible, while increasing my quality of life at the same time.

This decision has been really hard on my emotionally.  I am so conflicted every day, even as I start to implement my plan to wean.  One minute I can't wait to be done (usually this is the morning or night) and the next I wonder how I can be so selfish as to voluntarily stop producing milk for my baby.  I'm afraid he won't like formula, or it will make him sick.  I'm afraid he will wonder why his Mama won't give him his milk that he loves so much.  I'm afraid he won't gain weight as quickly or won't thrive as much as he is now.  I'm afraid other moms who are able to work and keep breastfeeding will judge me for stopping for selfish reasons.  I'm sad that I'm ending the last thing that connects me physically to my baby.  I'm afraid I will gain weight.  I'm afraid my boobs will shrivel up into flat pancakes and none of my clothes will fit anymore.  I will miss the pride and satisfaction that I feel when people say increduously "wow, you're still breastfeeding?"  The hormones that have already begun to change are giving me horrible mood swings and anxiety.  I wonder why I am going through this when I don't have to. But the fact is, we have to wean at some point.  And the hormonal changes are inevitable.  So it's now or later.  I just didn't expect to be so emotional about it.  Nobody talks about weaning.

I wonder if my body will ever get back to some kind of "normal."  I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for a year and a half.  I don't even remember what it's like to not have these hormones.  But I know that eventually I will get back to normal.  Until I get pregnant again.  And to be honest, I can't wait.  I loved nursing Elijah for those first 4 months.  And next time I really think we can make it work.  I believe 100% that if I could actually nurse Elijah, I wouldn't want to quit.  At least 3 times a week I think about trying to get Elijah back to nursing.  But to be honest, it's not worth the effort.  I need to move on.  Elijah is happy and healthy, what more could I ask for?