Working Mom

My first day back at work after having Elijah was one of the hardest days of my life.  I never once questioned whether I would quit my job when I became pregnant.  It was sort of unspoken between Daniel and I that we both preferred to have my income.  Both of us grew up with both parents working, so naturally we assumed our life would be the same.  But as I prepared to leave Elijah in the care of complete strangers, my heart was screaming.  Why did I birth this child just to hand him over for other people to raise?  Would Elijah even understand that I was his Mom, if he was with other people for 9 of his 12 waking hours for 5 out of 7 days a week?  Would I still be the person who knows my baby boy the best, out of everyone in the whole world?  These questions tormented me, because I thought I knew the answers.  And I didn't like them.  But I swallowed my grief and told myself that this was normal for a new mom, and it will pass.  There are thousands of working moms who all go through this.  It doesn't mean that you shouldn't work; it doesn't mean you were meant to stay home; when people say to "follow your heart" they are just being idealistic and impractical.

A week later, and I still cried when I dropped him off.  Two weeks later, and I still thought about Elijah constantly while at work.

Ten weeks later, and I'm still struggling.  Are these still just normal feelings that every working mom experiences?  Does it even matter if they're "normal" feelings or not?  Is this my heart telling me that I need to be with my baby every day?  Or should I recognize that being a working mom means dealing with a touch of guilt and sadness every day?  Why should I have to live with sadness?  Or do I have to grow up and be an adult and acknowledge that I don't get to do whatever makes me feel good in the moment?

Are these questions even relevant?  Is it even an option to quit my job?  My job is what provides us with the best health insurance we've ever had.  My job is what gives us the income we have to be able to save up for a bigger and better home someday.  My job allows us to travel to see our family multiple times a year.  My job is what I worked for 4 years and spent nearly $150,000 to be able to do.

Why is this so hard?