The main point of the week for me was to spend time with my sister and my grandparents. Which I got to do plenty of. But also, to plan the wedding. We got so much accomplished. We signed the contract and put down a deposit on our venue and with our photographer. We also picked the florist, caterer, bakery, and some other details. With my dress and veil picked out, I feel like I have a much clearer picture of what that day is going to look like, with one exception: the groomsmen.
Since we got engaged, there has been discussion over whether Daniel's older brother Rennie should be a groomsman. At first, Daniel was pretty sure he wanted Evan (his twin brother) to be his best man, and fraternity brothers to fill in the other spots. And his Dad (and to some extent his Mom) has made it very clear that they expect him to include Rennie as a groomsman. The problem with that is that it's one less spot for his fraternity brothers. And Daniel is not very close to his brother. Rennie is sort of the problem child of the family, and he's just not that fun to hang out with. Daniel and I try very hard to spend time with him, but it's pretty much always obligatory, and not by choice. But Daniel feels immense pressure from his parents to include Rennie. His parents are the type that make their opinions known by everyone loud and clear, and expect Daniel to be obedient. This discussion became a serious argument this week.
It started literally in the car as we left the airport after we landed. His mom brought it up in the car, and we discussed it for a while before we decided to just let it go and give Daniel some time to think it over. It didn't really come up again until our last night in town. His dad, Robert, was extremely rude. When the rest of us (Daniel, me, and his mom) asked him to drop it, he completely ignored us and kept pushing the issue. He actually said that if Daniel didn't pick Rennie as a groomsman, he wouldn't attend the wedding. He quickly said that wasn't true, but the words were already out. The way he approached the issue was aggressive, disrespectful, and demanding. He didn't recognize at all that this is Daniel's decision. In fact, he told him repeatedly that he had no choice in the matter. That he must do the right thing. That Rennie is his brother, and he can't take this decision back. He'll regret it for the rest of his life. His fraternity brothers aren't as important as his real brother. During this entire argument, I was screaming in my head, but I didn't say anything. I am extremely proud of myself. It was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in my entire life. But I did it. I stayed out of it, and I was respectful despite his extremely rude behavior. The last words we spoke to each other were in anger. And I haven't seen him or spoke to him since.
During our engagement, I have tried hard to encourage Daniel to make his own decision. He has a history (in my opinion) of doing what his parents tell him to do simply to avoid conflict. He is the peacemaker of the family. Practically since we started dating I have been trying to get him to stand up for himself. The first person he has learned to stand up to is me. I'm glad, too. I don't want a husband who does whatever I tell him; I want a life partner. But he still has a hard time going against his parents. Which is why I was so angry that his father pushed the issue so hard. Because we all know that Daniel will eventually cave. But so far, I have been very proud of Daniel. He stood up to his dad and told him that he would make his own decision later. I have been vocal in opposition to his parents. I believe that Rennie doesn't deserve to be a groomsman. He doesn't keep in touch with Daniel, he hasn't encouraged and supported our relationship, and in my opinion he hasn't been a very good big brother in the last 5 years. And even more, he got married and didn't tell Daniel or his parents for a few months afterwards! So if Rennie can get married and not tell anyone in the family, why is it so necessary for Daniel to have him stand up as someone who has supported him and our relationship? It's ridiculous! Finally, I believe, and Daniel and his mom agree, that Rennie doesn't even care! He has had no role in this argument, and likely doesn't realize that he is the subject of such extreme feelings. I have proposed that Rennie and my older brother are ushers. I think it's a great compromise: they're still in pictures, they still wear tuxedos, they're still part of the wedding party. But Daniel gets to use his closest friends and fraternity brothers as his groomsmen. Rennie probably doesn't even know the difference between being a groomsman and an usher. These are my arguments against Rennie as a groomsman, but I have tried not to be too pushy about them. In the end, I honestly want Daniel to do what he wants to do. But I think that is virtually impossible at this point. His Dad has pushed so much, that no matter what his decision it will either be because his dad made him, or because he is standing up to his dad. It's so sad that this has come down to that. His dad is being childish, selfish, and plain rude.
The entire time we were in Phoenix his dad was incredibly rude to both of us. This time of year he is very busy with his business. Daniel had planned on helping his Dad on Saturday, and earning some money in the process. Instead, he spent nearly 3 whole days of his vacation helping his dad. And there was not one thank you. His dad offered him $50 for 3 days of work. He didn't spend any time with us even though we won't see them again until Thanksgiving. Every time we invited him somewhere he said he had to work. He promised to go out for drinks with us, and then bailed at the last minute. Every time we spent time with him, he was rude and argumentative. He was demanding of Daniel's time and ungrateful for everything Daniel did to help. He was outright rude to me repeatedly. And then to top off the entire trip, demanded that Daniel make this very personal decision about our wedding. As you can tell, I am still so angry about it I can hardly stand it. He owes all of us a serious apology. Daniel asked him for an apology, and he refused and just pushed the issue more. He has damaged our relationship for a very long time, if not permanently. It will be months before I will be willing to speak to him. And I doubt I will ever get an apology. It's so sad that this is my lasting impression of the week. And really sad that my blog post about a wonderful week full of laughter and time with family and celebration of our future marriage was completely taken over by my incredible anger towards my future father-in-law.
No comments:
Post a Comment