A Church Home

I am so frustrated that I haven't been able to find a church here in Denver. It's so important to me that I find a church in which I feel that I fit in now, as an almost married young 20-something with no children, and also in the future, when we have children. As I grew up, my church was always a safe place that felt like home. And I am still looking for a place that will give me that same feeling here. I'm afraid that I have the wrong expectation. Right now, I feel like I just haven't found the right church yet. But maybe it's that I haven't invested enough of myself in any one place. But why would I invest myself in a church unless I know it's the right one? Daniel and I have attended services at many local churches (and there are a lot of them). I'm pretty sure Methodist is not what I'm looking for. They just don't offer a whole lot for young adults and young families. So I've looked at some Lutheran, Presbyterian, and even a UCC (United Church of Christ) that I liked quite a bit, but their teaching was not what I believe. We also went to a service that was very much a grassroots, college student-led church. That was NOT for me. It met in an old warehouse and the preacher looked like he just graduated from high school. And the entire congregation was college students and young adults.

I need a church that has older people with the wisdom that comes with age, people who have theology degrees, people that are maybe 5 or 10 years ahead of me, and people right where I am. I think a wide range is important to provide peers to identify with, and people to look up to and learn from. I also prefer a more traditional service, with hymns and scripture readings and the familiar liturgy that has been used for over 100 years. But I want a church that's forward-thinking as well. A church that accepts all people, and is in tune with what's going on in the world today. And the music is very important to me as well. It can't be bad or I just won't be able to stand listening to it. Is that so difficult?

I think a huge problem is that Daniel and I are looking for different things. This is a growing concern for me. Though he considers himself a Christian, when he says what he believes it contradicts traditional Christian beliefs, at least what I know to be traditional Christian beliefs. Every time we have this discussion about what church to attend or what we will teach our children, every time he talks about what he believes, it grates on me. Where he is looking for a church that is more open to interpretation, I am looking for a church that is familiar in its teachings. Daniel is more focused on the "being a good person" instead of the "believing in Jesus Christ," like I was taught.

Besides the core values, we differ in the type of worship we like. I want a service with a choir, hymns, scripture readings, and a sermon. Daniel prefers a rock band and a conversational and informal sermon. He really enjoyed the church that had almost all college-age people. He also liked the UCC church. It really worries me, because he didn't grow up with the Sunday School teachings that I did. So he isn't as firm in what he believes. Or, maybe he is firm in what he believes, but it's very unorthodox compared to what I do. And it's so important to me that we raise our children in the church that I was raised in. It's such an important part of me, and I will be devastated if my children don't get that same experience. Of course when they get old enough, they can choose for themselves what they believe, and if they want to go to church with me and Daniel. But until then, I want our family to attend church together. And there is no way I would be okay going to a Unitarian church or anything like that.

I definitely feel like there's something missing. And I will until I find a church family and a church home. I don't feel a real sense of urgency until we have children. By then, we will just have to pick one because there's no way I will not take my children to church. I'll just keep looking. And hope that we can find the perfect church out there that will meet my needs, and Daniel's needs, and those of our future family.

Back to School

I am SO HAPPY to be back at school. It feels great to get back into a routine and see all my friends. So far my classes don't seem like they'll be too difficult. My psychology classes are always easy. This professor has a good sense of humor, and is very straightforward about everything. He made it clear on the first day that he has high expectations, and that many of his students find his tests challenging, but as long as we attend class and do the reading then we should have no problem getting an A or B. That's exactly the way I like it. Plus, I find the topic absolutely fascinating. We'll be discussing all kinds of mental disorders. Biochemistry has been pretty boring so far, because it's just review. Since this class is combining all the disciplines (physics, chemistry, and biology) that we've learned so far, the first week is just a big review of all these concepts. So it's really boring. It's a typical science class in that it's just lecture, reading, studying, taking the test. My third class I have with Daniel! I love having a class with him. It's the first time since freshman year. The class is about children's literature and what message they are sending and why we choose particular stories to read to our children. We will spend the first 3 or 4 weeks learning about different perspectives on children (psychological, educational, sociological, historical, etc.). Then the next week we will each have a chance to present our favorite children's book. And the rest of the term we will read 1-3 books a week at each age level. Starting with infant/toddlers, then preschool, then early readers, then late readers, and ending with young adults. I will LOVE reading the children's books, but I will HATE writing about them. It seems like I'll have to write at least 5 pages for each class (twice a week). That's a lot of writing. Yuck. My final class is physical chemistry. I've had this professor before, and he is extremely disorganized and scatterbrained. But the benefit to that is that he has very low expectations of his students, and is very lenient on his grading. For example, if the entire class complains that a question is too hard, he'll throw it out or something like that. He is the kind of professor who wants his students to like him. Not very authoritative. And to my benefit, that means that he is allowing me to take the midterm early so that I can fly to California for my brother's graduation from the army's Defense Language Institute! I'm so glad I'll be able to go. My sister is flying out, and my ENTIRE family is driving there from Arizona for the weekend. And this means I will miss two classes, one of which will be an exam which I will have already taken. So I will really only miss one hour of actual lecture. Back to the class, we were asked to split up into groups of 3. Half of the class period will be lecture, and the other half will be assigned problems that we complete as a group. Lucky for me, one girl in my group is a math major! This is so lucky because the class has a lot of calculus background, which I have not taken in 3 years and remember very little of. I was already planning on calling my sister for help, but now I have a group member who should be able to refresh my memory as well. Regardless, we all have to take a "calculus assessment" test online so that our professor knows how much to go over.

So those are my classes this quarter. I'm excited! I don't have any class before 11am, and I am still able to work about 10 hours a week on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday afternoons. I have been happier the past few days than I have been in a long while. I think it's the socializing with new people, and getting outside that is making me so happy. Doing the same thing every single day is just so boring. Now I have much more independence and free time. And since I'm away from home so much more, the roommates aren't getting on my nerves nearly as much. I can't believe that in May, I will have a college diploma. A Bachelor's of Science degree! It's unbelievable really. I will feel so accomplished when I finally have that degree. I feel such a sense of security. Like I shouldn't ever have to worry about making enough money to support my family. Although I know that's not true, especially in this economy, it still feels better than not having a degree. And I have worked SO HARD for it too. That's what makes it feel even better.

Compromising with the Roommates

In the past few days, Daniel and I have made some changes to help with the roommate situation and I'm feeling much better. The first thing we did was buy a mini-fridge. Now instead of filling up our fridge with beer, all drinks go in the mini-fridge. That has helped so much. Our refrigerator has much more room and I don't have an anxiety attack every time I open it. We also asked that nobody throw cigarette butts into the garbage. Everyone agreed, but I guess it's hard to remember because the garbage still occasionally smells like smoke. It's so disgusting. The backyard has improved, but not because Dave finally got a storage unit. Instead, he parked his little trailer in the back corner of our yard. Daniel gave in because he thought it was a reasonable compromise. I think it looks terrible in the backyard, but I'm willing to compromise too. I just hope this makes it easier for him to keep all his stuff picked up and not all over the yard.

Finally, we fixed the squeaky floors! For 3 nights in a row our roommates came home around 2 or 3am. I was asleep, of course, and the noise from their floors squeaking woke me up. I couldn't go back to sleep again until they went to bed. The squeak is right at the entrance to Lily and Dave's room which means anytime either of them, or their dog, walk in or out of the room it makes a really loud squeaky noise that keeps me up. I decided that this absolutely had to be fixed before school starts. I am going to be very angry if I can't sleep during the school year. And I know it's not their fault that their floor squeaks, but it was hard for me to not blame them and be annoyed with them for coming in late and waking me up. So we went to Home Depot and asked for help in the flooring department. The employee wasn't optimistic. He told us we could try, but short of replacing the floors (at around $8000) there isn't much you can do about an old wood floor squeaking. We bought some heavy duty screws, and screwed the squeaky floorboards into the joists. Then we filled in the tiny hole with color-matched wood putty. And it worked! It took a lot of screws, but you can't even see them.

I really hope these little things will help keep me sane, and make it easier for the roommates to accommodate us. And I'm trying to be less clean-freakish. But that's hard to do.

I need a break from life.

The past few days, I have felt off. Like I'm not myself. And it's really affecting my life in a negative way. I'm annoyed with everyone and everything. I'm going to extreme measures so that I don't have to go to work. I just want to lay in bed and watch TV all day. What's wrong with me?

Yesterday I called in sick to work. I slept until lunchtime. I was pessimistic all day. I'm irritated with our roommates. The house was clean when we got home (which was a nice surprise) but there's stuff everywhere. They have a trailer that has been sitting in front of our house since they moved in, and we were told they were getting a storage unit the day they moved in. The garbage is overflowing, and there are dirt bike parts, rags, and other random stuff all over the backyard. They left a cooler in front of our front door, and parked their dirt bike in the driveway right next to a huge cardboard box that's too big to fit in the garbage can. This is particularly annoying to me because I know Jackson will chew up pretty much anything he can get in his mouth if it's outside. Then last night while we were cooking dinner, we discovered that our kitchen scissors that came with our nice knife set were missing. Our roommates told us that Jackson chewed them up. For him to get the scissors, someone must have been using them and left them on the ground or outside somewhere. Why would anybody use a nice pair of kitchen scissors outside? They are meant for food! And they're expensive! And I've told them repeatedly not to leave things outside because Jackson will chew them up. Then we opened the fridge, and there was not room to put anything. The fridge was full of beer (over 24 cans!) and takeout containers. It's so ridiculous. Daniel and I like to cook with fresh vegetables, and to fill up the fridge with so much beer is a complete waste of space.

So, Daniel and I resolved to speak to them that evening. They need to get a storage unit to get rid of the trailer and all their dirt bikes and parts. They need to clean up the backyard so there's nothing for Jackson to eat. They need to take out the garbage if it's overflowing, and take large boxes to the dumpster. They need to limit the amount of space they take up in the fridge, and it would be nice if they didn't drink so much beer too!

This whole situation on top of the argument with Daniel's dad has just put me over the edge. I can't think about anything else. I hardly slept last night. To make it worse, Daniel's dad called. He called from Daniel's mom's cell phone because he knew Daniel wouldn't answer if it was him. And he kept pushing the same old issue. Daniel changed the subject, but I think he should have hung up.

So now I'm laying in bed with some candles lit and my computer, and I'm going to try to de-stress and calm down. I know I'm blowing all of this out of proportion and I don't want to say anything I will regret to Daniel's dad or to our roommates.

Incredible Anger

I'm back home in Denver. The best part about vacation for me is the feeling when I'm back home. I love our little house and our puppy and having time to ourselves! It's so hard staying with parents for an entire week. There is literally not any time that we are by ourselves together. It's so draining, especially for me. I need time by myself to unwind and re-energize.

The main point of the week for me was to spend time with my sister and my grandparents. Which I got to do plenty of. But also, to plan the wedding. We got so much accomplished. We signed the contract and put down a deposit on our venue and with our photographer. We also picked the florist, caterer, bakery, and some other details. With my dress and veil picked out, I feel like I have a much clearer picture of what that day is going to look like, with one exception: the groomsmen.

Since we got engaged, there has been discussion over whether Daniel's older brother Rennie should be a groomsman. At first, Daniel was pretty sure he wanted Evan (his twin brother) to be his best man, and fraternity brothers to fill in the other spots. And his Dad (and to some extent his Mom) has made it very clear that they expect him to include Rennie as a groomsman. The problem with that is that it's one less spot for his fraternity brothers. And Daniel is not very close to his brother. Rennie is sort of the problem child of the family, and he's just not that fun to hang out with. Daniel and I try very hard to spend time with him, but it's pretty much always obligatory, and not by choice. But Daniel feels immense pressure from his parents to include Rennie. His parents are the type that make their opinions known by everyone loud and clear, and expect Daniel to be obedient. This discussion became a serious argument this week.

It started literally in the car as we left the airport after we landed. His mom brought it up in the car, and we discussed it for a while before we decided to just let it go and give Daniel some time to think it over. It didn't really come up again until our last night in town. His dad, Robert, was extremely rude. When the rest of us (Daniel, me, and his mom) asked him to drop it, he completely ignored us and kept pushing the issue. He actually said that if Daniel didn't pick Rennie as a groomsman, he wouldn't attend the wedding. He quickly said that wasn't true, but the words were already out. The way he approached the issue was aggressive, disrespectful, and demanding. He didn't recognize at all that this is Daniel's decision. In fact, he told him repeatedly that he had no choice in the matter. That he must do the right thing. That Rennie is his brother, and he can't take this decision back. He'll regret it for the rest of his life. His fraternity brothers aren't as important as his real brother. During this entire argument, I was screaming in my head, but I didn't say anything. I am extremely proud of myself. It was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in my entire life. But I did it. I stayed out of it, and I was respectful despite his extremely rude behavior. The last words we spoke to each other were in anger. And I haven't seen him or spoke to him since.

During our engagement, I have tried hard to encourage Daniel to make his own decision. He has a history (in my opinion) of doing what his parents tell him to do simply to avoid conflict. He is the peacemaker of the family. Practically since we started dating I have been trying to get him to stand up for himself. The first person he has learned to stand up to is me. I'm glad, too. I don't want a husband who does whatever I tell him; I want a life partner. But he still has a hard time going against his parents. Which is why I was so angry that his father pushed the issue so hard. Because we all know that Daniel will eventually cave. But so far, I have been very proud of Daniel. He stood up to his dad and told him that he would make his own decision later. I have been vocal in opposition to his parents. I believe that Rennie doesn't deserve to be a groomsman. He doesn't keep in touch with Daniel, he hasn't encouraged and supported our relationship, and in my opinion he hasn't been a very good big brother in the last 5 years. And even more, he got married and didn't tell Daniel or his parents for a few months afterwards! So if Rennie can get married and not tell anyone in the family, why is it so necessary for Daniel to have him stand up as someone who has supported him and our relationship? It's ridiculous! Finally, I believe, and Daniel and his mom agree, that Rennie doesn't even care! He has had no role in this argument, and likely doesn't realize that he is the subject of such extreme feelings. I have proposed that Rennie and my older brother are ushers. I think it's a great compromise: they're still in pictures, they still wear tuxedos, they're still part of the wedding party. But Daniel gets to use his closest friends and fraternity brothers as his groomsmen. Rennie probably doesn't even know the difference between being a groomsman and an usher. These are my arguments against Rennie as a groomsman, but I have tried not to be too pushy about them. In the end, I honestly want Daniel to do what he wants to do. But I think that is virtually impossible at this point. His Dad has pushed so much, that no matter what his decision it will either be because his dad made him, or because he is standing up to his dad. It's so sad that this has come down to that. His dad is being childish, selfish, and plain rude.

The entire time we were in Phoenix his dad was incredibly rude to both of us. This time of year he is very busy with his business. Daniel had planned on helping his Dad on Saturday, and earning some money in the process. Instead, he spent nearly 3 whole days of his vacation helping his dad. And there was not one thank you. His dad offered him $50 for 3 days of work. He didn't spend any time with us even though we won't see them again until Thanksgiving. Every time we invited him somewhere he said he had to work. He promised to go out for drinks with us, and then bailed at the last minute. Every time we spent time with him, he was rude and argumentative. He was demanding of Daniel's time and ungrateful for everything Daniel did to help. He was outright rude to me repeatedly. And then to top off the entire trip, demanded that Daniel make this very personal decision about our wedding. As you can tell, I am still so angry about it I can hardly stand it. He owes all of us a serious apology. Daniel asked him for an apology, and he refused and just pushed the issue more. He has damaged our relationship for a very long time, if not permanently. It will be months before I will be willing to speak to him. And I doubt I will ever get an apology. It's so sad that this is my lasting impression of the week. And really sad that my blog post about a wonderful week full of laughter and time with family and celebration of our future marriage was completely taken over by my incredible anger towards my future father-in-law.