Starting Solid Food!

We have officially started solid foods!  Last week Elijah's teacher noted that he woke up from every one of his naps screaming from hunger almost an hour before he was due to eat again.  So she thought maybe we should think about introducing some cereal to help him feel full longer.  That night we went out and bought some cereal.  It's been fun to see Elijah's reaction.  These pictures are from the first time.  He didn't eat much that night.  I think he was too hungry and it was frustrating to try to eat off a spoon.  The second night went similarly.  But Miss Amber told me that he ate all of it when she gave him some at school.  So the next night I followed her lead and gave him a bottle and then tried the cereal about an hour later.  It went great!  Daniel fed him and he ate all of it happily.  He makes some really funny faces, but overall it seems that he likes it.  He spits a lot of it out and we have to scoop it back into his mouth.  He's getting better each time.

Elijah is also really close to sitting up on his own.  He can sit up for a few seconds, but he always loses his balance and topples over.  Bathtime is a favorite activity these days.  Elijah likes to splash us by kicking his feet.  He also loves to chase the little ducky around the bathtub.  When he finally catches it, he brings it straight to his mouth (like everything else!).  

We're still trying to get Elijah to sleep unswaddled.  At day care he naps without being swaddled, but they're short naps and he ends up very tired at the end of the day.  On Friday he fell asleep in the car on the way home and slept in his car seat in the living room for 2 hours!  He woke up at his usual bedtime so he went to bed about 90 minutes late that night.  We have tried putting him to bed unswaddled a few times, but he inevitably wakes up an hour later.  We aren't willing to be up all night at this point just for the sake of transitioning out of the swaddle.  He still isn't rolling over consistently so we have some time before we have to cut it completely.  He sleeps so well normally that I don't want to screw it up.  It's been a long time since we've had a bad night.  Last night was the worst in the last 2 or 3 weeks and he was up twice.  Most nights he's up once, eats, and goes back to sleep.  Pretty regularly he sleeps through the night as well.  On Saturday he slept in until 7:30.  I was able to sleep in until 7 (it's amazing that 7am feels like sleeping in to me) and still have time to pump before Elijah woke up.  It's just about my favorite thing in the world to be there when he wakes up in the morning, so I love to get up on the weekends and let Daniel sleep in later.

The last few weeks have been a breeze.  It feels like we're finally able to put life on auto-pilot and just enjoy each day.  I'm gaining confidence every day.  On Friday I even told Daniel he could help out a friend until 7pm and I would take care of getting Elijah fed, bathed, and to bed by myself!  Of course, he slept the whole time so it didn't quite turn out that way.  But the fact that I was willing to do it is evidence that my confidence has grown by leaps and bounds since December.

I just realized that I never updated the breastfeeding situation.  In December we went through almost our entire freezer stash.  My milk supply was about 10 oz below what Elijah was eating every single day.  I had pretty much given up and accepted that we were going to have to supplement with formula.  I casually mentioned that to Elijah's doctor in an email, and he suggested I try fenugreek.  On December 14 I started taking it.  I read online somewhere that for it to work, you have to pump often- like every 2-3 hours.  So I upped my pumping to every 3 hours religiously.  I also added a pumping in the middle of the night.  And within about 2 weeks I saw a huge difference.  I went from pumping 8-9 oz at work to 10-11 oz.  Now I'm up to 11-12 oz each day at work. I also started to feel more "full" in between pumping and in the middle of the night.  It completely sucks to wake up every night to pump, but I am so happy that I still have enough milk for Elijah that it's totally worth it.  6 weeks later and my supply is still increasing steadily.  We haven't had to thaw any more frozen milk in weeks, and last week I noticed that I actually might have enough to start freezing some more.  Day care has about 5 bags of frozen milk, and we have one at home.  That's all that's left of my huge freezer stash.  It's a lot of pressure to make sure I'm producing enough each day.  I'm making about 30 oz a day and Elijah eats 25-30 oz.  With the rice cereal added in he might eat a bit less than that now.  I am so proud of myself for working so hard to get my supply back up.  And even though I know formula is perfectly good food, I'm also very happy that Elijah is still exclusively breastfed.  Breastfeeding is hard but so rewarding!

On a related note, I am officially back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I probably have been for a while, but I didn't bother to weigh myself until last week.  I've noticed lately that my jeans continue to get looser.  These jeans are the same size I wore before I got pregnant.  And now they are so loose, I have to keep pulling them up to keep them from falling down.  Breastfeeding= best. diet. ever.  Speaking of breastfeeding, I was telling Daniel many things that I want to do differently with the next child, and he suggested I write them down.  This seems like a good place, so here is a list of things I want to do differently with the next child:

1) I want to take a longer maternity leave- at least 12 weeks.  I need time to get breastfeeding better established.  I thought it was well established by 6 weeks last time, but now I know better.  Also, it's the only time I get to spend with my baby and not have any other responsibilities.  I want to savor it and enjoy it.

2) I want to delay introducing bottles as long as possible, if at all.  I would like to avoid bottles altogether.  This time, I was pretty anxious to introduce bottles.  I was so tired of being the one to feed him around the clock; I was ready for a break.  But Elijah has come to prefer bottles now, and that makes me sad.  I know that if I had planned for it all along, I could absolutely go to Elijah's day care and feed him myself 3 times a day.  Of course it won't always be feasible, but one or two bottles a week is much better than 3 a day.

3) I want less family visitors in the early days.  While I'm breastfeeding practically non-stop and getting to know my new baby, I do not need house guests or grandparents who want to hold the baby while he's happy and fed and then hand him over for feeding and crying.  I need time to bond with the baby in my own house without worrying about anyone else.  Besides, he's not even that interesting in the first few months.  I'm not sure how I'll exactly manage this when the time comes, but I can hope.

4) I absolutely want to breastfeed from the breast as long as possible.  This time around I thought that the most important thing was that Elijah was getting the nutrition and health benefits of milk, no matter how it was delivered.  Of course that's still true.  But the incredible bonding that I experienced with Elijah while nursing him is something I will always cherish.  I didn't really pay attention to that bonding aspect when I was reading up on breastfeeding while I was pregnant.  Of course I couldn't have any idea how amazing that experience would be.  Now I know.  And I want to extend that as long as possible with the next baby.  

That's all I can think of for now.  I'm sure I'll add more as Elijah gets older and I get more experience as a mother.  And I'll leave you with this adorable picture of Elijah avoiding naptime by snuggling with Daddy.

Adventures in Swaddling

My little boy took one more step away from infancy and into babyhood.  Yesterday, he napped all day without being swaddled.  When I picked him up from day care, he was fast asleep in his crib with his arms wide open.  What a sweet boy.

We haven't been brave enough to try putting him to sleep at night without being swaddled yet.  Last night he fell asleep at church all swaddled up and since he was so fast asleep, we just left him like that and put him to bed.  That turned out to be a bad decision.  At 2:45am, he woke up crying.  I knew he wasn't hungry because he just ate at midnight.  So Daniel and I agreed to let him cry a little bit and see if he would go back to sleep on his own.  After a minute or two, I began to get worried.  I remembered that at midnight he had arched his back and wedged himself in the corner of his crib so that he was almost lying on his side.  It wouldn't be too difficult for him to push himself over onto his stomach.  I asked Daniel to check the video monitor to make sure Elijah was still on his back.  Daniel looked, and told me he was.  I wasn't convinced.  I went upstairs and sure enough, he was on his belly wailing with his face just an inch from the mattress.  He looked like a beached whale.  It was so sad.  I turned him over, gave him his pacifier, and rocked him.  Within 10 minutes he was back asleep.  I can't decide if this incident is proof that we need to let the swaddle go cold turkey.  Elijah has been sleeping pretty well over all.  The last 4 nights we have been able to put him in his crib while he was still awake and he has quietly drifted off to sleep on his own.  Which means he has also been sleeping in his crib instead of the swing.  He has woken up to eat at midnight and 5am every night though.  I'm not sure if that's related to anything else, or just an extra hungry phase he's going through.  I'm actually excited for him to sleep unswaddled.  I think babies are so cute when they're all curled up asleep in their crib.  I have to keep reminding myself that even a "bad" night for Elijah is a good night for most other babies.  We never really went through the extreme sleep deprival that most parents do.  But I also have very high standards for volume of sleep.  In the last week or two my anxiety level has significantly decreased.  Since Elijah was born it has come and gone.  After a few really bad nights, I tend to get anxious and hear phantom crying in the middle of the night.  And then after a few good nights I do much better.  In the last week we have phased out using the monitor.  I've realized that his crying wakes me up even without the monitor on.  We only use it for the video feed now.  That's nice because I'm able to sleep much better when I don't hear every little noise he makes.

I have Monday off for Martin Luther King Day.  I'm looking forward to it as a chance to see what one day as a stay at home mom is like.  I'm hoping to take Elijah to have lunch with Daniel.  I think it will be a tiring day, but a fun one.  I love any day I get to spend with my baby boy.

Rosen Family Weekend

Another super fun weekend.  Nothing in particular happened, just spending time together as a family.  It was super cold outside (highs in the teens and lows below zero) so we mostly stayed inside where it was warm.  I feel like I just can't get enough of Elijah.  When he's awake, I want to be playing with him.  When he's crying, I want to comfort him.  When he's asleep, I want to cuddle and rock him.  I wonder if every mom is this enamored with her baby.  I hope so. 

By Friday evening I was feeling very drained of energy.  I knew I needed to use this weekend to get some rest, and I did!  On Friday night Elijah slept from 7pm-7:30am straight without a sound.  It was wonderful.  I actually got up Saturday morning and got some things done before he woke up.  He slept well again on Saturday (from 10:30 until 6am straight).  Sunday night was not so great.  He has a really bad cough so I wonder if that was waking him up.  Or it could have just been a bad night.  He hardly napped at all on Sunday too.  He usually sleeps about one hour in the morning sometime, about 2 hours in the middle of the day, and one hour again in the afternoon.  On Sunday he slept for 30 minutes in the morning, skipped his middle of the day nap altogether, and then finally slept for an hour right before bedtime.  Then he cried for 90 minutes before we finally just put him in his crib and let him cry himself to sleep.  Less than 30 minutes later and he was out.  It was a really difficult 30 minutes though :-/.  Overall his sleep has gotten much better.  We're still swaddling him, and most nights he ends up sleeping in his swing.  Our motto is "do what works."  And right now, that's what works.  

This morning Elijah fell asleep in the car on the way to school.  When we arrived, I noticed that his little fingers were wrapped around the dinosaur's hand.  He fell asleep holding hands with his dinosaur!  So cute.  The other completely adorable thing he does right now is stroke things.  When I hold him and rock him when he's not swaddled, he lifts up his arms and rubs my face, my hair, and my shirt over and over.  Last night he was in the car and he was stroking his fleece blanket.  When I pulled the blanket away, he was content to stroke my hand and sleeve instead.  When I took that away, he stroked his own clothing and the car seat straps.  And this morning I had him in the bathroom with me while I was getting ready.  I was blow drying my hair and I felt his tiny hand stroke my ankle over and over again.  He must find it comforting.  

I love discovering new things about my baby boy.  I love him more than anything in the whole world.

Working Mom

My first day back at work after having Elijah was one of the hardest days of my life.  I never once questioned whether I would quit my job when I became pregnant.  It was sort of unspoken between Daniel and I that we both preferred to have my income.  Both of us grew up with both parents working, so naturally we assumed our life would be the same.  But as I prepared to leave Elijah in the care of complete strangers, my heart was screaming.  Why did I birth this child just to hand him over for other people to raise?  Would Elijah even understand that I was his Mom, if he was with other people for 9 of his 12 waking hours for 5 out of 7 days a week?  Would I still be the person who knows my baby boy the best, out of everyone in the whole world?  These questions tormented me, because I thought I knew the answers.  And I didn't like them.  But I swallowed my grief and told myself that this was normal for a new mom, and it will pass.  There are thousands of working moms who all go through this.  It doesn't mean that you shouldn't work; it doesn't mean you were meant to stay home; when people say to "follow your heart" they are just being idealistic and impractical.

A week later, and I still cried when I dropped him off.  Two weeks later, and I still thought about Elijah constantly while at work.

Ten weeks later, and I'm still struggling.  Are these still just normal feelings that every working mom experiences?  Does it even matter if they're "normal" feelings or not?  Is this my heart telling me that I need to be with my baby every day?  Or should I recognize that being a working mom means dealing with a touch of guilt and sadness every day?  Why should I have to live with sadness?  Or do I have to grow up and be an adult and acknowledge that I don't get to do whatever makes me feel good in the moment?

Are these questions even relevant?  Is it even an option to quit my job?  My job is what provides us with the best health insurance we've ever had.  My job is what gives us the income we have to be able to save up for a bigger and better home someday.  My job allows us to travel to see our family multiple times a year.  My job is what I worked for 4 years and spent nearly $150,000 to be able to do.

Why is this so hard?

Sleep and Transitions

This weekend was so much fun.  Elijah is such an easy little boy.  As long as he is fed and well-rested, he is happy to play all day long.  Saturday we spent the day reading books, dancing to Raffi, playing under the baby gym, and chewing on anything and everything Elijah managed to get into his mouth.  We were still having naptime problems.  He went down fairly easily on Saturday morning, but woke up after 30 minutes with a big smile that said "aren't you SO happy I'm awake now so we can PLAY?"  He's pretty darn adorable, even when he won't sleep.  Daniel had to go into work to take care of one quick thing, so Elijah and I dropped him off and went grocery shopping.  Lately I've been really antsy to get out of the house on the weekends, so that satisfied my need for the day.  He slept for another 30 minutes in the car.  I hate that.  He doesn't get a good solid nap in, and I don't get any time to myself because we're in the car.  But he wasn't grumpy or overtired, so I guess that's all the sleep he needed.  He did fall asleep finally around 3:30 and slept for a good 2 hours.  He didn't fight the napping as much as he has been fighting bedtime lately.  I think that maybe I was forcing him to go to bed when he wasn't tired.  When he was smaller, I was very careful to put him to bed as soon as he started to fuss so that he didn't get overtired and start screaming.  Then I got so stuck into our routine of naps, that I wasn't open to the possibility that Elijah doesn't need quite as much sleep anymore.  Maybe that last little nap before bedtime isn't necessary.  Or maybe he doesn't need to go to bed quite so early.  I'm going to try to be flexible this week with his evening nap and his bedtime, and see how that goes.

Despite his better napping, on Saturday night he didn't sleep at all.  He was up literally every 90 minutes-2 hours ALL NIGHT LONG.  I think he probably didn't get enough to eat during the day, so he was waking up very hungry.  At 6:15am, I got up and played with him for 2 hours while Daniel slept.  It was actually pretty fun.  He was happy and smiley and interacting with me so much.  Then, when I knew he was really tired, I swaddled him up.  He slept for about an hour.  He did get a really long nap in that afternoon. He fell asleep at 11:30 and at 3:30 he was still asleep.  I was beginning to worry that he would be up all night eating again (because he slept through one whole meal).  So I woke him up, and we clustered his last 3 bottles close together.  Which ended up working out quite well because last night he slept from 8pm-5:30am straight.  What a relief because we all needed that sleep!  Daniel and I were so tired we were bickering for no reason at all.  We both went to bed at 8:30.

On a side note, Daniel made THE MOST DELICIOUS chocolate ice cream EVER on Saturday.  We both couldn't stop taking little bites as we packaged it up and put it in the freezer.  It tasted like brownie batter!  So good.

One thing I really wasn't prepared for before Elijah was born is the constant being "in transition."  I mean that Elijah is continuously outgrowing one thing and growing into another.  About a month ago, we packed up his 3 month clothes and pulled out his 6 month clothes.  Soon after, we got rid of the size 1 diapers and moved up to size 2.  Last week, after realizing that Elijah fussed every time we tried to put him in it, we packed up the bouncy seat and now we use the bumbo seat instead.  A few days ago we set up his high chair so that he could sit with us at the table while we eat.  And last night we packed up the bassinet attachment for his stroller and pulled out the big boy seat.  We took it for a test run around the block since the weather has been a bit warmer the last few days.  It was nice to get outside for a little bit.  Elijah loved looking around at everything.  It made me so excited for Spring when we can spend lots more time outside.

New Years Goals

Though we didn't go out and party on New Years' Eve, Daniel and I still spent some time discussing our goals for 2013.  I like using the term "goals" rather than "resolutions" because everyone always forgets about their resolutions by February.  I'm hoping we can remember these and work on them.

My goal is to become more confident as a mother.  There are many days when I get frustrated and stressed out because I feel like I just don't know what to do.  Should I feed him even though he just ate?  Should I swaddle him and rock him to sleep, or just lay him in his crib?  Should I read to him more, or play with him on the floor more, or go for walks more?  So in 2013 I want to gain confidence.  I want to be able to know that I can handle anything that comes up.  More specifically, that I can handle things without Daniel.  He is a great partner to have, but I should be able to take care of things without him sometimes.  And I have noticed that when I am forced to do things on my own (or on rare occasion, choose to), I have such a great feeling of accomplishment.  So to achieve my goal, I need to choose to do things independently more often.  I need to take risks.  And I need to trust that I know my baby and that I am a good parent.

Since that goal doesn't follow Daniel's SMART rule (specific, measureable, attainable, relevant, timely) I came up with another one that does.  I want to spend at least one day a month doing something for me.  It has been extremely hard to find time for myself since Elijah has been born.  And when I do have time, I feel guilty for leaving Elijah.  That's something I can definitely work on this year.  I also hope I can learn to take more dates with Daniel.  Whenever we spend time together without Elijah, I remember how much fun we have together and how madly in love with him I am.  I can never have too much of that :-)

Daniel's goal is more career-oriented.  He wants to clarify his career path and move forward in his career goals.  He wants to figure out what his end goal is and determine the steps needed to get there.  I'm trying to be grateful that he cares about his career so much.  But to be honest, I wish he cared more about being a parent.  Not that he doesn't care, I just think he isn't concerned with improvement as much as I am.  He already has confidence in his ability to parent. 

Here are Elijah's goals, as determined by me-
Sleep through the night on a regular basis (at least a couple days a week).
Learn to stop eating before I get so full I vomit.
Learn to crawl and walk!
Spend lots of time discovering new things.
Get a new brother or sister (even if he or she is still in Mommy's belly).
Continue to be a happy boy.

Diagnosis: Eczema

It turns out, Elijah has eczema.  I had no idea.  It's especially strange since neither Daniel nor I had eczema as a child.  We also don't have any real allergies (which often co-occur with eczema).  So hopefully that means Elijah will grow out of it.

We received the diagnosis on Sunday morning at an urgent care visit.  A few weeks ago we discovered these little red pinpoint spots all over Elijah's chest, stomach, and arms.  We figured that he must be allergic to something, so we stopped putting lotion on him.  Bad idea.  There's this little patch on his forehead that has always been dry and scaly.  As long as I put lotion on it regularly (about once a day was enough) then it was hardly noticeable.  So when we stopped putting lotion on him, this patch got worse and worse.  In the next 48 hours, it spread across his forehead and down the side of his face onto his cheek on one side.  And the pinpoint red spots on his body didn't go away.  On Sunday morning we undressed him to give him a bath and I kind of freaked out.  I decided we needed to go to urgent care.  His chest, stomach, and arms had pinpoint red spots.  His elbows and the creases in his elbows on both sides were red and he screamed when we touched them.  His back was covered in red welt-looking spots, his scalp was covered in cradle cap (scaly patches of skin).  He was just a mess.

But it got worse.  During his morning bottle, Daniel asked me if he was sweating.  He noticed some perspiration-like liquid on his forehead.  I got a tissue and wiped it away, and it was yellowish.  Like pus or something.  This liquid continued to ooze from his forehead and then dry on in a thick yellow-orange crust.  Elijah was constantly rubbing at his forehead with his hands and rubbing his head on us while we held him.  So we went to the doctor.  They got us right in and it only cost us the usual co-pay of $30.  I am so grateful, once again, for our health insurance.  The doctor looked him over and told us that it was infant eczema.  I kind of already knew this from the online research that I did.  She told us how to treat it and gave us a prescription cortisone cream to put on twice a day.  She explained also that the eczema was causing his whole body to be extra-sensitive and that's where all the other skin irritation came from.  She said that once we get his forehead under control, the rest of his body will calm down too.

Sunday was pretty awful.  Elijah couldn't sleep.  When we tried to rock him, he closed his eyes but squirmed constantly, trying to scratch.  He barely napped that day and was up every 90 minutes from 7pm until 1am.  From 1am-3am he just cried while we tried everything we could think of to get him to sleep.  Finally I put him (swaddled) in the car seat and put that in the stroller and drove him around our living room in circles.  It quieted him down immediately and I picked him up and rocked him to sleep.  I have no idea why that worked, but I was so relieved when it did.  He slept all the way until 6:30am.

Then I drove him to day care to drop him off so I could go back home and sleep.  I called in sick to work.  I knew I wouldn't be doing quality work anyways on the amount of sleep I got, and with the holidays everyone was gone anyways.  I left lotion with his teachers and instructed them to put it on him every time they change his diaper.  I had to sign a form to allow them to do this.  But a couple hours later they called me and told me they needed a doctor's signature since this lotion was treating a condition instead of preventing one.  Daniel called his doctor's office, but they never faxed the form back.  In the meantime I was hysterical.  I imagined Elijah just miserable with itchy skin and nobody putting lotion on him.  I called a few times to check in and just cried and cried when they told me he wasn't napping well and was fussy.  Finally in the early afternoon one of his teachers called and told me he took a long nap and was doing better.  She also told me that she was putting lotion on him anyways because she couldn't sit there while he was so miserable and do nothing.  She also has had a child with eczema in her class before and knew how important moisturizing is to heal it.  We could have lost days of healing if she hadn't ignored their rule.  I am so grateful that she did because by the time Elijah came home that day, the redness had almost disappeared.

24 (miserable) hours after the urgent care visit, and it started to improve.  48 hours later and the redness disappeared.  One more day, and it just looks like he has a little flaky dry skin on his face and the rest of his body is completely normal.  Thank goodness!  I think that now the key is prevention.  We need to lube him up with lotion at least once a day and bathe him less often (soap is drying and can exacerbate eczema).

I am starting to learn that with each challenge we get through, I gain great confidence in myself as a mother.  It's rough, but the feeling at the end that we solved yet another problem, and got through yet another difficult couple of days, is so rewarding.